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Original poster

Partners who work away - how do you cope?

75 replies

MistletoeNWine · 16/02/2020 16:28

Finding this particularly hard at the moment. DH works about 2.5 hours away weekdays but comes home for the weekend. Usually he leaves on Monday mornings and I seem to cope fine with this because I have my own working week to get on with. He's having to leave tonight because he has a course tomorrow and I also have a day off tomorrow. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to fill the hours and how lonely I feel when he's gone. I've been crying most of the day. We're TTC but it seems so impossible when we're apart so often. Basically what I'm asking is how do people cope with this? We've been partially long distance for years and I'm struggling. We don't have any DCs yet so it's just me and the cat and Storm Dennis.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/02/2020 17:50

I’d also agree that adding children to the mix won’t end well.

If your are sobbing all day that’s he’s going away for work and were my daughter id be wondering if you were over invested in the relationship and were dependant on him far too much and oils be very worried. For the other person that can feel overwhelming and I’d feel trapped by it.

Ginbauble · 16/02/2020 18:10

Mine works away Mon (leaving 6am) to Thurs (getting home 11pm).

I absolutely love it! I have 'me' time, do housework and hobbies, do my my (part time) job, have the kids in a good routine of breakfast club, school and some after school activities and chill out time at home.

Then he's home and not working at the weekend so we do family stuff and the odd date night.

Absence (well 4 days a week of it) makes the heart grow fonder in our house at least!

I agree with previous posters that getting on and doing stuff and having interests other than your husband is the key to making this work.

Waiting1987 · 16/02/2020 18:14

My husband is away for 4 weeks and then home for 4 weeks all year round. We have 2 children not at school yet and it's hard. If you struggle before children it'll be much worse with them. That's just how I found it and am speaking from my own experience.

NerrSnerr · 16/02/2020 18:19

My husband works away a lot, often for a few weeks at a time. Before we had children I just did what I usually did when he's here, just without him. Now we have children it can be tough going not having much time to myself, especially at weekends when they're not at nursery/ school but we just get on with it.

I agree with PP, if it's hard for you before children it will be significantly worse with them. I'd move closer to where he works.

MummyDummyNow · 16/02/2020 18:19

As others have said, if you can't cope now, when you don't have children, please don't have children with him unless this situation changes. Having a husband that is away a lot when you have little ones can be extremely tough, on another level to him being away when there are no children in the mix.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/02/2020 18:35

I’d hate it oP

You have my sympathies.

Newyearsameoldme2020 · 16/02/2020 19:17

I agree with pp that say if you struggle at the thought of one day apart now, then you need to 're evaluate the situation before you have kids.
My dp works away Monday to Friday. I became fairly independent and was managing great when he was away with work and looking after ds, everything was going great.
Fell pregnant with our second child. Again everything was fine, it suited me that dp was away cos I was so exhausted I would just go to bed early.
Then the baby was born and my life was turned on its head and I didn't have dp to support me. He was gone 4am Monday to 6pm Friday, so every bottle, nappy, feed, everything fell on me during this time. The baby developed colic and would cry non stop for hours every evening. I had No support with this. I needed dp to be there for me and he couldn't be because he was 3 hour drive away.

ThePolishWombat · 16/02/2020 19:23

I’m a military wife, so you’d think by now I’d be a dab hand at coping without DH for long periods.....but alas: I still find myself sad/frazzled/struggling with the DCs every time Sad
He’s only away for a month this time, but I’m only a couple of days in and already I feel so overwhelmed with solo parenting that I just want to curl up in bed and cry

SimonJT · 16/02/2020 19:30

It isn’t for everyone.

My sex was sometimes away for six months at a time, sometimes it would then be extended with very little notice.

Neither of us coped particularly well with it, I used to book the next day off work when he left (unless it was a weekend), as I would spend the day too upset and I wouldn’t sleep. In the end something had to give so I quit my job to take a freelance role so I could go with him.

Can you move closer to his place of work?

tinselvestsparklepants · 16/02/2020 19:59

I'm the one who works away - usually mon- fri. I feel guilty for leaving him but as we've both got more responsibility at work I find we both value our nights alone, either to do more work guilt-free or unwind with a tv show the other wouldn't like so much. When we are together we have more to talk about. I hope it won't be forever but as we both have very niche jobs I'm expecting it'll be this way at least for the next 5-10 years. Plus I'm tidier than him so my mid week flat always stays nice Wink

SimonJT · 16/02/2020 20:04

Oh god, my ex not my sex, talk about an awkward typo!

Kittykat93 · 16/02/2020 20:09

Christ op I expected you to have children! If you're not coping with him working away now, trust me you won't cope if you have a baby. I am a single parent so no partner at all and it's bloody tough. And I used to love time alone! Make the most of it!

PrincessSloth · 16/02/2020 20:14

My DP is currently away Monday from around 5am until 9.30pm and then home for weekends.

During the week I don't mind at all, I do the housework, walk the dogs, have long baths, do my nails, face masks etc etc. Then we have the weekends together to enjoy each others company.

Soon though he will be away for 4 full months at a time overseas so I am worried about how I will fill all the weekends then... All my friends have children so are wrapped up with them!!

RougeVinEtFromage · 16/02/2020 20:17

@simonJT HAHAH I was just like, amazing she refers to her DP as sex. Like what else does he bring to the table? GrinGrin

blue25 · 16/02/2020 20:22

Surely you have your own interests/hobbies/friends?

Why are you so reliant on another person for your happiness. I don’t think what you’re describing is healthy at all.

MyuMe · 16/02/2020 20:25

Oh dear God op

I live alone.

Get a life seriously.

iMatter · 16/02/2020 20:25

Good grief

Surely you've spent time on your own in the past??

I thought you were going to say you had 4 kids under 5 and were worried how you might cope

Nanalisa60 · 16/02/2020 20:32

My husband spent most of our married life working away month on month off working in the oil industry, but I do live in a city we’re this is not unusual. So there was always other wives and mums in the same situation, I got very use to it and loved it when he was home as he was off, but also quite liked when he was away at work.

I found it very hard when he got a nine till five desk job at home i he was home fall time, took me a few years to get back to what others would call a normal life.

mindutopia · 16/02/2020 20:43

Can he not come home at night? I work 3 hours door to door from my office, but work compressed hours 4 days a week, one day wfh. So I’m only commuting 3 days a week, still home every night to put my 2 small dc to bed, rarely have to stay overnight. I know people do work away all week but I can’t imagine choosing it when you have a relatively short commute that could be done in a day. I know there is office culture where being seen in the office til 11pm is a thing but it isn’t healthy. I work long hours in a big London job but I’m home every night and still see my kids and dh, so I find it hard to believe it’s necessary for a lot of people and not just a lifestyle choice.

TrainspottingWelsh · 16/02/2020 21:38

To answer your question op, quite easily, I'm a grown up, you should try it.

OhTheRoses · 16/02/2020 21:47

Had about 4 years when DH was away more than at home. A stretch when he was in NY for about 6 months coming home once a fortnight. Youngest was 6 to 10ish.

TBF it was one less to look after and in some ways easier than him leaving the house at 7ish and getting home at 9.30ish.

Tough though and our relationship wasn't creaky.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 16/02/2020 22:06

I bloody love it when DH is working away. I still have to go to work but I can veg out without doing dinner to a timetable or feeling guilty that I should be doing something. Sometimes I'm on rest days when he's away which is the best as I can sleep in bed for as long as I like, wear pj's all day and just chill. I call them my mental health days.

Then he goes away for a fortnight to the Caribbean for a fortnight to visit his ds and gds. I went one year and it's so boring if you're not a tourist. I love those 2 weeks.

I do love DH, but my god, he gets on my tits when he's here (wfh).

Lipperfromchipper · 16/02/2020 22:12

Yeah OP my dog works away for 3-4 weeks at a time and will then be home for 3-4 weeks so it’s one extreme to the other...how do I manage?? Well I just get on with it! We have 2 dc so there’s plenty to do.
When we had no dc then I used to keep myself busy with work, friends and hobbies etc but I also like my own company so I don’t mind tbh.

Lipperfromchipper · 16/02/2020 22:15

Dh not dog 🙈🤣

Sarahlou63 · 16/02/2020 22:17

@Lipperfromchipper - what job does your dog do?? Stand in corgi for her Maj on foreign tours??