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Original poster

Partners who work away - how do you cope?

75 replies

MistletoeNWine · 16/02/2020 16:28

Finding this particularly hard at the moment. DH works about 2.5 hours away weekdays but comes home for the weekend. Usually he leaves on Monday mornings and I seem to cope fine with this because I have my own working week to get on with. He's having to leave tonight because he has a course tomorrow and I also have a day off tomorrow. I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to fill the hours and how lonely I feel when he's gone. I've been crying most of the day. We're TTC but it seems so impossible when we're apart so often. Basically what I'm asking is how do people cope with this? We've been partially long distance for years and I'm struggling. We don't have any DCs yet so it's just me and the cat and Storm Dennis.

OP posts:

Yellowmellowgem · 16/02/2020 22:27

Oh the harshness on here! It’s hard but manageable but I’m sure we’ve all been there at some point completely dreading their going away again.
OP the evenings are always the worst so try and tackle them. Take each night as they come, pamper yourself ie bath, face mask etc, get in touch with friends, catch a series on TV, read a good book. You’ll soon find ways to pass the time easily and then when DH returns you’ll not be so upset upon their leaving as you know you’ll be doing something you enjoy again when they go x

thaegumathteth · 16/02/2020 22:27

I cope because that's life tbh and I'm fairly busy with the kids and stuff. I quite enjoy the fact that I get to keep myself happy once the kids are in bed and can watch what I want or read a book in peace or whatever.

You sound very dependent on him - I really don't think you should TTC as things stand. You'll need to sort something so you are more independent before you get pregnant. Sorry OP but you need to diversify a bit - be your own person and don't be so dependent. I imagine it must be quite a strain for your partner too.

MrsTidyHouse · 16/02/2020 22:38

We were much happier when DH stopped the long commute which made him exhausted, and started looking for better paid work further afield, Monday - Friday with weekends on a rota. He now works on more interesting projects and I do the paperwork at home and everything child-related. When he’s home it’s fun and relaxing.

It might not suit everybody, but it works well for us, and we each have a hobby that we would not have started if we were always tired and irritable. And we get on so much better.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 16/02/2020 23:02

It sounds like you're not really okay with him working away, but can cope normally, and this weekend is particularly difficult. Do you think that Dennis is the last straw? I must admit, the noises outside are quite worrying here, so I can understand if that's tipped you over the edge.

Regarding the rest, I do think that it'd be a mistake to go through a pregnancy as you'd likely be more upset and want him around more than normal. Perhaps you could use this week to think about all this. Sometimes we feel sick in a situation but if you consider all the options and decide this is the best one for now, it can be easier to cope.

Taylr1733637 · 16/02/2020 23:09

My partner lives away during the week for work. It's a 4 hour commute so we see each other most weekends.

I've had to spend the whole of this weekend alone and it didn't bother me at all. I think it's something you get used to because you have to.
It's important to keep yourself busy and speak on the phone to each other when you get the chance.

Tr1skel1on · 16/02/2020 23:15

I get it. I've had a particularly difficult weekend with the kids and DH announes his next trip is to The Cayman Islands. Sigh. I can't do anything similar due to DC1 having Aspergers. And I work a part time job to fit in with his job. Big hugs

LordsALeaping · 16/02/2020 23:17

I agree with the tough love approach of @PotteringAlong and others. If you’re unable to cope now, you both need to rearrange your work lives before you have a baby.

Realladymarmalade · 16/02/2020 23:24

I work pretty much FT , have 2 DC and a third on the way. DH works offshore and is away for three weeks at a time. Hes out there in the north sea right now whilst storm Dennis does its thing. ...

So At the risk of sounding harsh I would agree with PP and try and put it in perspective? We also had issues with ttc , big issues in that he was often away the entirety of the fertility window.

As the others have said focus on activities, hobbies, friendships - whilst you can.

Rhubarbisevil · 16/02/2020 23:34

Why can’t your OH come home during the week?

My DH has a 2.5 hour commute each way so he travels 5 hours a day.

BumbleBeee69 · 16/02/2020 23:37

I work away OP... I'm also a Mother and a Wife ..I am currently in Florida and will be here several more weeks.. having left Scotland a few days ago before the storms kicked in... the periods I am away vary greatly depending on what work is contracted for me... and vary from location to location.. so it's not just men who work away from home..

Doyoumind · 16/02/2020 23:48

You need to build a life that is independent from him. You seem way too reliant on him.

Bringing children into this will not help. You will feel worse when he's away.

Thegreymethod · 16/02/2020 23:49

I get how you're feeling my husband does shift work and before we had children I used to hate coming home from work and being on my own every night I used to really miss him but now we have children it actually feels more lonely in some ways, I wish now I'd gone out more and seen friends gone to the gym invited friends round etc because now I'm stuck at home not able to do those things and I absolutely love being home alone now!

Trews2019 · 17/02/2020 00:29

Why should he have to drive 5 hours a day because the OP can’t cope with being alone? That’s madness.

OhCisOff · 17/02/2020 03:57

*Why can’t your OH come home during the week?
**
*My DH has a 2.5 hour commute each way so he travels 5 hours a day.

My dh works away mon-fri a lot and in a very physical job, a two and a half hour drive at the end of a long day at work when he's absolutely knackered isn't something he or his colleagues would choose to do.

2.5 hours drive regularly turns into three or four hours depending on traffic. He has to be on site for 7 am and doesn't leave til 6 pm. He'd be home at 8.30 if he's very lucky but realistically it would 9.30 pm and would need to be up at 4 am to get ready to set off at 4.30 am.

It's cheaper for them to crash in digs than what it costs in fuel and it's safer for them as they aren't doing two long drives a day while being absolutely shattered. He's fed, bathed and in bed relaxing hours before he'd even walk through the door if he drove it every day.

Berrymuch · 17/02/2020 04:51

If you are struggling now, I have to echo what others have said about not having children with him unless he changes his job and doesn't work away. I was quite happy before we had DS, he would leave on a Sunday night and return on Friday, and I would have work to fill my time, plus I would see friends a lot, have family over, I played sport 2 evenings a week, went to the gym- it was great and worked well for us. Having a child really is challenging when you're alone more often than together, it also builds resentment in my experience, and where I could no longer easily do social stuff it became very lonely. I also work full time as well as do everything during the week; nursery drop offs, tea and bedtime, all of the housework, and then he returns home at the weekend and we get no real quality time together as both so exhausted. Having someone come home every night so they can be an active parent makes all the difference.

MurrayTheMonk · 17/02/2020 05:33

Dp is away mom, tues and thursday nights at the moment and until November. I actually don't mind it. I get more stuff done and I don't resent him for not doing it-you can't render yourself after all-I have my own routines with the DD's..and it gives us chance to miss each other -it's done our relationship some good I think in a weird sort of way.

OP are you quite young? I remember being quite reliant on my ex when I was early 20's and would be annoyed or upset if he went out or was away at the weekend. For me it was lack of confidence probably-I just wasn't self sufficient enough when I was younger. And I seem to remember that was common amongst my friends too...now I can't see why I had the issue at all.

paperpens · 17/02/2020 05:49

My husband is a pilot and can be away anything from 48 hours to 10 days at a time. I use (and look forward to it) the time to catch up with friends and family, tv programs, cook my favourite meals, relax, read in bed, hobbies, projects. I enjoy myself. Occasionally there are moments or evenings when I wish I wasn't alone, but there is always something to do.....there is no reason to be bored in this day and age.
Crying because your DH will be away is not a normal reaction. And it's not fair on him. You need to embrace your time alone and become independent. Having a baby if you feel like this is a bad idea.
Learn to be self sufficient and find some happiness without your DH. You sound very dependent on him to make you happy........when in truth only you can make you happy.

OrangeLindt · 17/02/2020 06:07

Your too dependant on him if this is how you feel every time he goes away.

Berrymuch · 17/02/2020 06:37

I don't resent him for not doing it-you can't render yourself after all

Good for you. I definitely resented being left with a 2 week old newborn when I was still healing and having to do everything whilst he worked 9-5 and every other minute of the day was his to do with as he pleased- hot food, an early night and just a minute alone are things I would have loved. When I went back to work I had to leave the job I loved because I was taking too much time off because he wasn't around for when DS was sick, I hate my job now and have made work sacrifices when he hasn't; we pay half of everything so he isn't going above and beyond to provide. He comes back for weekends when we do the 'fun' stuff, and yes I am resentful.

OP it might help to have some routine, ie do x club Tuesday nights (and also meet people), and write down some stuff you want to watch etc.

Berrymuch · 17/02/2020 06:39

For example, DS has been up since 430am, so I have been awake. I then have to do breakfast for us both, get him ready for nursery and myself ready for work, do the drop off and get myself to work for a full day. His alarm will go off an hour before he starts, he will snooze it and then just have a quick shower, get dressed and breakfast.

GoFiguire · 17/02/2020 07:04

Are you Ok @MistletoeNWine? You posted the OP and then buggered off

Raindrops17 · 17/02/2020 08:56

Berry, why on earth are you putting up with that shit?

Berrymuch · 17/02/2020 08:59

@Raindrops17 I'm not, we are seperating. I don't mean to scare OP, but if struggling when just the 2 if you, I wish someone would have told me how challenging it would be with a child in the mix. He does help at weekends, but he could find a job closer to home if he was arsed.

GoFiguire · 17/02/2020 22:58

@MistletoeNWine

Rufus27 · 17/02/2020 23:07

Like Paperpens my partner is a pilot and often works away. Pre kids, I embraced the peace (and a tidy house) when he was away and massively appreciated his company when he was home. Best of both worlds.

Now have two children under four (both with additional needs) and it’s obviously harder as I don’t get the ‘me time’ when he’s away that I used to enjoy. However, we try to find a routine and try to make it work. It’s definitely do-able.

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