Scary meeting tomorrow - I need a crash course in assertiveness please!

[SinkGirl]

I’m really bad at being forthright, critical, pushy. Confrontation causes me massive anxiety.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with our local authority to try and resolve some serious problems with EHCPs for my twins who are both autistic. The final plans are really poor, and there have been so many errors / failings in the assessment where the LA just haven’t done what they’re legally obligated to do (to be honest this is pretty standard). I’ve sent many forthright emails (I can do it in writing, just not in person), where the issues have been ignored. Tomorrow is the last ditch attempt to get things sorted before I have to file an appeal with the SEND tribunal.

I’ve done all the research, gathered all the documents, I know I’m in the right and they are in the wrong. I know that if this went as far as a tribunal the judge would rip them to shreds. I’m not concerned about any of that.

What terrifies me is having to say to their face “you’ve done a terrible job, it’s not acceptable and you need to fix it”.

DH is coming with me and he does not have this problem whatsoever, so that’s good. But I’m the one who knows all the ins and outs so I will need to do a lot of the talking.

I am so envious of people who are able to speak their mind and don’t have crippling anxiety about doing so.

So I need any tips you have on standing my ground, being firm etc. Either way we will get it resolved by going to tribunal, but if we can sort it out tomorrow then it will save everyone a lot of hassle.

The meeting is with the caseworker, educational psychologist and someone more senior from the LA who deals with mediation stuff. Our actual formal mediation session is booked for a week tomorrow and they’ve been pressuring me into cancelling it which I’ve refused to do until the meeting has happened.

The caseworker has this way about her that makes it really hard to object to what she’s saying - she’s friendly and sounds so reasonable but just basically ignores things she doesn’t want to address. Each time I’ve met with her I’ve felt prepared but then she sets the tone and I struggle to get it back on track.

If you have any tips I’d really appreciate it.

I'm no good at this either, but wish you the very best of luck.

One thing I would recommend - go in with a written list of short bullet points of points you want to resolve. A4 paper with big clear writing. Have it in front of you during the meeting so that everyone can see it. As you go through the points, tick those that are addressed or note any relevant actions. Every time the meeting goes off track or an issue gets brushed aside say "can we just go back to x point. I want to clarify what we've agreed". Towards the end of the meeting , say "would you. I don't if just quickly run through the points I came here to resolve. Then go through the bullet list out loud.

Just say it. I work for a local authority, we’re used to people telling us that EHCPs are rubbish. We don’t disagree and aren’t offended. The whole system isn’t fit for purpose at the moment, it’s out of control.

I would suggest recording the meeting on your phone (with their permission, of course). Having a verbatim record of the meeting will allow you to go back and note exactly what was said, and by whom, and help you feel much more in charge. Also, whenever they say anything, repeat it back to confirm "so, you are saying XXX - is this correct?" - helps clarify things in your mind. Good luck.

Thank you Paquita, that helps to know! I mean, it can’t be a surprise - they must be familiar with the code of practice and know that what I’m asking for is just what’s specified in the regulations. I’m not asking for anything out of the ordinary.

The system is absolutely shocking - it’s awful that the onus is on parents to understand the law and figure out where it’s not being followed. There doesn’t seem to be any incentive to write plans that actually comply with the law either. Sigh.

Thank you Gazelda I’m going through it all now and making notes. Will try to do that to get discussion back on track if it goes off.

Remind yourself that you are speaking on someone (your twins) else's behalf. I find this makes speaking up much easier. They need you to do this and I am sure you will be brilliant. All the best.

The caseworker has this way about her that makes it really hard to object to what she’s saying - she’s friendly and sounds so reasonable but just basically ignores things she doesn’t want to address.

A good way round this is to keep going back to the thing she’s ignored. “Yes A,b,c is really interesting but I’m wondering about X, how do we take that forward.”

A list is a good idea, ticking it off as you go. Also try to speak very early on in the meeting it’s perfectly fine to say you’ve got a list you’d like to work through and go through your list (keep a note of the things they’re avoiding so you know to go back to them. Most of all remember it’s not personal, they’re gatekeeking a shit system that you need access to. I take the view that either I’m “that parent” or my child gets labelled “that child”, I know what I’d rather.

Really, just say it. Whatever the caseworker has said, take a deep breath when she finishes and then say it. Keep saying it throughout if you feel it is not being heard.

Complaints about EHCPs are massive at the moment-local authorities have long lists of complaints and large numbers of cases going to tribunals. The system does not work and needs radical change.

Speak up. You won't be the first to say it to them that day and probably not even the 10th.

Having just been through two years of complaints with my LAs children’s services all I can say is just keep going. If this meeting doesn’t go as you’d hoped ignore the bullshit they’ve fed you designed to have you doubting yourself (the gaslighting) and KEEP GOING. I’m very glad I did - and I’ll keep on going.

Print off hard copies of emails you have sent and refer to them also....
Make a few copies so they can be handed out to other's in the room.

This will save you so much anxiety of your trying to remember everything you have tried to tell them...good luck tomorrow

Try the broken record method, where you just keep repeating your points over and over until they're adressed.

You don't need to answer if the conversation goes off track but just go back to your points. Politicians do this.

Stay focused, you don't need to be agressive or pushy but calm and direct.

Also keep things factual and not personal. So by saying 'x, y or z needs to be done to move forward' rather than 'you are all incompetant' will give you better results.
Good luck.

Also at the end of the meeting try to agree concrete actions that are going to take place and when.
Write them down in front of everybody (a bit like meeting minutes).
So if in future nothing happens you can come back with 'it was agreed in X meeting that Y and Z would be done but it hasn't'.

Thank you everyone. Really really appreciate the advice. I hate that I’m 37 years old and still scared of things like this! I would walk over hot coals for my boys, in fact I’d prefer to walk over hot coals than do this meeting!

Might watch a few videos of politicians for inspiration later on!

I’m making a table for each twin demonstrating the gaps (where there are needs with no provisions, outcomes with no provisions etc, and where provisions are vague and meaningless)... will be giving them each a copy, so that if they do agree to make changes they can’t only change a few things and pretend they were unaware of the rest.

Will have copies of all the emails I’ve sent asking them to fix the things I’ll be raising tomorrow (starting five months ago!), copies of the reports they’ve left out, etc. I feel really prepared in terms of information, just not prepared for the awkwardness.

Maybe part of it is that I feel cheeky because compared to most they haven’t been too bad - we got the assessments no problem and plans no problem, and they’ve agreed specialist school places from September. But the plans are too vague and the school they want to name is just wrong for them, which would be clear if the plans weren’t so vague.

Good luck for tomorrow.
It always helps to remember that the caseworker and these professionals aren’t your friends it doesn’t matter what they think about you.
The priority are your children ! Chances are in the next 2 years the people in this meeting won’t even be there in your children’s lives, affecting their education.
But you will be! You are their constant, their spokesperson.
You will be left to deal with any fall out from lack of educational and social care, health provision.
Make sure your plan does not ignore their health & socialcare rights as well as transport provision If needed.
Positive Results are your main priority and if they dare to mention Money being taking away from other more needy kids - don’t give into emotional blackmail.

Try to get into the mindset that they aren't better, more important people than you. Sit up tall, look them in the eye, speak to them as equals in a calm, clear voice.

I've spent the last 6 months being an advocate for my husband with his doctors, and never thought I was capable of talking to people like this as I'm usually a raging ball of anxiety but it really really works. When I suddenly realised that they're just people, and they aren't some superior beings, I stopped pussy-footing around and started demanding answers.

You can totally do this. Know the outcome you want, don't let them distract you, keep calm, and go for it.

I wouldn’t bother fretting over saying “you’ve done a terrible job etc”, stick to the facts of where they’ve come up short - the number of those will make it self-evident how they’ve failed your family.

Remember, you know your boys and what they need.

acknowledging what the case worker has said by repeating back but asking “what about?” the things she doesn’t address.

Sticking to what you want to change/achieve using the facts you have gathered rather than denouncing/ blaming is the way forward.

Good luck!

At the top of each table you could put a photo of the twin it relates to, to help remind everyone that this is about real children and also help you keep focused on their needs. Good luck.

Obviously I won’t go in there saying “you’re shit”! But it’s difficult not to draw that conclusion from the things I need to say.

Will have a big prepping session with DH tonight and prime him to be his usual assertive self. Very glad he’s coming!

They are likely to be well aware that they are failing your children and won’t take it personally when you point out the flaws in the EHCP.

I had my sons annual review last week. We were given some forms to fill in before the AR and I stated that the school weren’t following the plan, they were sharing his 1-1 and some other negatives (there were some positives too). It felt a bit always handing them over to the SENCO but it was factual. Try to stick to facts and keep emotions at bay - I know that’s not easy, we are on EHCP number 6 and it’s taken a while to learn how to do my best in these meeting without falling apart.
Good luck!

Meant awkward not always

Write out bullet points of every point you want to make and have the note in front of you. You probably won't need it but it will stop you worrying about forgetting something.

Do you have a local SENDIASS? We do they will come and support you at meetings for free. They are amazing and are known where we are as real pitballs, they take no crap and will fight for your child. They have a website and fb pages, maybe look into them supporting you. Also portage is another local service, that support. Do you have any local fb groups you could find, other mums that have gone through the same will be very knowledgable on the ins and outs.
It's rubbish i know but worth the fight my little one is now thriving in main steam school.

I'd be making sure that the meeting is split into two. Deal with the ehcp for twin one and then mkve on to twin 2. Dont keep dotting about between them both. In fact I would habe asked for 2 completely separate meetings.

It’s tricky as the issues with the plans are the same problems really. So I think we need to look at the three main “problems” separately, and talk about each twin’s plan in relation to that. Otherwise we will just be saying the same things over and over again.

One of the plans actually says “needs a high level of support to facilitate learning and to make progress”. It literally means nothing. I’m so fed up with this whole thing!

DT2 was up almost all night crying - haven’t had a night like that in months. I’m bloody exhausted and need to find some energy for this from somewhere. Maybe a few listens to Eye of the Tiger or something 😂

Coffee and find your anger. That did it for me last wee at my stage 3 complaints panel against the LA.

Good luck.