Scary meeting tomorrow - I need a crash course in assertiveness please!

[SinkGirl]

I’m really bad at being forthright, critical, pushy. Confrontation causes me massive anxiety.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with our local authority to try and resolve some serious problems with EHCPs for my twins who are both autistic. The final plans are really poor, and there have been so many errors / failings in the assessment where the LA just haven’t done what they’re legally obligated to do (to be honest this is pretty standard). I’ve sent many forthright emails (I can do it in writing, just not in person), where the issues have been ignored. Tomorrow is the last ditch attempt to get things sorted before I have to file an appeal with the SEND tribunal.

I’ve done all the research, gathered all the documents, I know I’m in the right and they are in the wrong. I know that if this went as far as a tribunal the judge would rip them to shreds. I’m not concerned about any of that.

What terrifies me is having to say to their face “you’ve done a terrible job, it’s not acceptable and you need to fix it”.

DH is coming with me and he does not have this problem whatsoever, so that’s good. But I’m the one who knows all the ins and outs so I will need to do a lot of the talking.

I am so envious of people who are able to speak their mind and don’t have crippling anxiety about doing so.

So I need any tips you have on standing my ground, being firm etc. Either way we will get it resolved by going to tribunal, but if we can sort it out tomorrow then it will save everyone a lot of hassle.

The meeting is with the caseworker, educational psychologist and someone more senior from the LA who deals with mediation stuff. Our actual formal mediation session is booked for a week tomorrow and they’ve been pressuring me into cancelling it which I’ve refused to do until the meeting has happened.

The caseworker has this way about her that makes it really hard to object to what she’s saying - she’s friendly and sounds so reasonable but just basically ignores things she doesn’t want to address. Each time I’ve met with her I’ve felt prepared but then she sets the tone and I struggle to get it back on track.

If you have any tips I’d really appreciate it.

All the best for today, hopefully they'll address your concerns. It's typical your DC woke last night, always the way isn't it?!

I hate the whole ehcp process, ours was so wishy washy to begin with. I'm also not assertive in the slightest, but when it comes to advocating for your DC you somehow manage. We were told right at the very beginning
'the squeakiest wheels get the most oil', and it's so true. Luckily we're now two years on and DD goes to a suitable complex needs school.

Reward yourself after it's all over today, good luck🍀

Coffee and adrenaline will get you through today. You can sleep tonight.

(I mean that kindly. I find the sleepless nights easier to cope with when I remind myself there’s another chance to sleep coming!)

You sound really well prepared. I love the sound of your table. You’re going to absolutely ace this. Good luck

Try and shift your focus from "LA is rubbish" to twin 1 needs xyz, twin 2 needs xyz, how are these issues going to be addressed please.

You sound similar to me OP (and I’m 40!)

Good luck for today. If you still have time before the meeting and you see this, I find it helps to practice in front of the bathroom mirror. I also have a ‘grounding thing’ - I briefly twist my ring on my finger and it helps me to refocus and dampen the nerves / doubts a bit.

Hope it goes well. I also two dc with ASD so know the struggle and constant fighting for them.

Best of luck for today SinkGirl. I had one of those meetings the other day and it went as well as could be expected but I got a really dry mouth and wished I had taken some water.

You sound awesomely well prepared! Hope it goes well.

Thanks everyone, I have printed off packs for them, including a document with every relevant bit of case law and CoP excerpts, a sheet on why the school they want to name is not suitable, the tables of needs vs provisions and outcomes, and a list of demands requests. Oh and a copy of the letter I’ll be sending to the director of children’s services after this meeting if they’re unhelpful.

Couldn’t be any more prepared than I am so have to focus on that.

Either way, after today I’ll need to file an appeal, hopefully it won’t ever get as far as tribunal.

I am hopeless at being direct, apart from when it comes to my children. I went through a difficult time with one of them being bullied and had meeting after meeting with the school where I surprised myself with how assertive I was. My advice would be

• bullet points (as someone else suggested). This keeps you on track
• have a few key phrases to redirect them back to the point when it goes off-tangent - this will make you look as if you are in charge, even if you don’t feel it
• you are advocating for your children, they need you to do this the best you can .
• the people you are meeting don’t know you’re terrified unless you tell them, so don’t let them know!
• I used a lot of ‘collaborative’ language - how can we achieve this, what do we need to do to get there, how can we work together to get....makes it less of a them vs us situation

My very best piece of advice though is to think about someone you admire and channel them for the course of the meeting. For example, I had a boss who was superb at running difficult meetings, took no shit but did it all in a charming, likeable way. So I try and imagine how she would be and do that.

Very best of luck.

Don’t be afraid to sit and wait in silence whilst they read the stuff you have given them.

Good luck

Good luck OP!

Just to say if you haven't already done so number the pages of your bundle so you can refer them to relevant sections easily.

Don't be afraid of silence, you don't have to rush to answer questions or fill gaps in conversation. Take your time to formulate a response or find the part of the bundle that you need to refer to.

Don't be afraid to bring the conversation back round to points that have been ignored. If they are focussing on X and you want to sort out Y try using phrases like "I note what you say about X but I don't consider that we have adequately dealt with Y. Let's park the discussion on X until we have agreed a way forward with Y".

These people are not better than you, you've got this!

Anything like
“needs a high level of support to facilitate learning and to make progress

Ask what specifics are being put in place to address that.
1:1?
No? Well what then

and repeat

Re bullet points. Make notes against them as you go along (brief) you know then if they miss anything out.

Okay, we are home.

It wasn’t too bad really. They still tried to feed me a line about how they won’t put 1:1 into plans when they’re going to a specialist school because it’s not necessary. Also that if they make the plans too specific then schools may say they can’t meet needs - er yes, that’s the point.

The Ed Psych stated that she’s not qualified to state what provisions they needs as she’s not an early years specialist and has no evidence to back up any recommendations. So that begs the question why they are sending people in to do assessments when they’re not qualified to make recommendations that comply with the law.

It was easier because the more senior woman actually listened to me.

Anyway, they’re going to update the plans with the missing info from the reports they have and make any of my recommendations they’re comfortable with. Then they’re going to reissue the plans which will reset the clock on appeal, and consult with the schools again based on the updated plans (they won’t change anything, nothing in the reports will change whether schools can meet needs).

Based on the discussion I think they will reluctantly agree to name the school we want but state that the other school can meet needs and therefore won’t fund transport etc.

Agreed catalogue - I said to them today that intensive supervision, high level of adult support is far too open to interpretation and is unenforceable.

They looked really baffled, like no one has ever pointed this out before and I was worrying unnecessarily. As if I haven’t read horror stories from so many parents pointing out exactly why I should be worried.

I bloody hate this process, and it’s far from over so onwards and upwards!

Oh good luck and well done for today.

I find I don’t mind being told about the actual situation regarding the law etc (we are fighting for ABA) as long as they are not trying to pass off stuff that is frankly wrong. I won’t hear lies and pretend I believe them.

To be honest after the first 10 mins they just stopped telling lies, I think the big complication of relevant case law highlights I handed them made them realise I’d done my research and they couldn’t just quote whatever illegal policies they work to.

There’s a massive knowledge gap when it comes to early years EHCPs and provisions - haven’t seen any test cases, and it seems no one is able to really ascertain what my twins need, yet seem very confident that any school that works with disabled children can meet their needs, despite not knowing what they are. It’s beyond frustrating.

*big compilation, not complication

good advice from many people.

good luck.

my only advice is to take your own minutes. and do not use vague terms like could/should/would/might, they sound polite but leave room for interpretation.

It’s a good lesson for me - if I had been more assertive early on all this could have been resolved by now, when they ignored my concerns and I didn’t insist they addressed them at the time we are now in a bit of a nightmare situation. On the plus side they now know that they have to moves quickly, and I’ll be going to tribunal if they don’t.

Hi I’ve been through the same and wanted to offer you encouragement but you’ve already done it!
For me, I felt I needed to resolve it and avoid tribunal but in the end “giving up” and filing for tribunal made it all happen. They started to work meaningfully with me once I’d filed. Like you I knew before a judge we’d have no problem.
So if the promises from this meeting turn out to be hollow again, I just want you to know that putting in for tribunal at the first opportunity is probably the best you can do to actually make progress . And there is no reset on appeal by the way. Assuming they have issued final plans as you have mediation planned? If so, that is the plan you appeal to tribunal.

And don’t blame yourself for this mess by not being assertive. Our children should be provided for (as they are in law) without parents having to say and do the right thing in the right way.

It is so easy to realise what we should have done in the past, we all feel like that. I can’t believe how long I let stuff slide for . But the important thing is to keep on now and you are doing that well.

I hate the way they change their tune when they realise you can’t be patronised out of your concerns. Make me worry so much about those whose parents are not in a position to advocate for their children.

OP if you feel the school you have chosen can meet their needs where the other school can’t you can still get transport.
Are you in Herts or are there multiple county’s that behave like this?

No I’m in Dorset. I’ve looked at the case law for transport and understand the process but suspect it would be significantly more (the school they want to name is 3 miles, vs 5 miles away).

Just wanted to say well done for today OP.

I sit on both sides of this situation as a health professional who works with children with additional needs and a mum of a child with autism.

Sending a hug