Scary meeting tomorrow - I need a crash course in assertiveness please!

[SinkGirl]

I’m really bad at being forthright, critical, pushy. Confrontation causes me massive anxiety.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with our local authority to try and resolve some serious problems with EHCPs for my twins who are both autistic. The final plans are really poor, and there have been so many errors / failings in the assessment where the LA just haven’t done what they’re legally obligated to do (to be honest this is pretty standard). I’ve sent many forthright emails (I can do it in writing, just not in person), where the issues have been ignored. Tomorrow is the last ditch attempt to get things sorted before I have to file an appeal with the SEND tribunal.

I’ve done all the research, gathered all the documents, I know I’m in the right and they are in the wrong. I know that if this went as far as a tribunal the judge would rip them to shreds. I’m not concerned about any of that.

What terrifies me is having to say to their face “you’ve done a terrible job, it’s not acceptable and you need to fix it”.

DH is coming with me and he does not have this problem whatsoever, so that’s good. But I’m the one who knows all the ins and outs so I will need to do a lot of the talking.

I am so envious of people who are able to speak their mind and don’t have crippling anxiety about doing so.

So I need any tips you have on standing my ground, being firm etc. Either way we will get it resolved by going to tribunal, but if we can sort it out tomorrow then it will save everyone a lot of hassle.

The meeting is with the caseworker, educational psychologist and someone more senior from the LA who deals with mediation stuff. Our actual formal mediation session is booked for a week tomorrow and they’ve been pressuring me into cancelling it which I’ve refused to do until the meeting has happened.

The caseworker has this way about her that makes it really hard to object to what she’s saying - she’s friendly and sounds so reasonable but just basically ignores things she doesn’t want to address. Each time I’ve met with her I’ve felt prepared but then she sets the tone and I struggle to get it back on track.

If you have any tips I’d really appreciate it.

Thank you. It really helped to have some others backing me up :)

It’s just really awful that parents have to be in this situation where they are have no choice but to be confrontational and challenge things that shouldn’t be written as they are in the first place.

And of course it’s awful that LAs just don’t have the funds to give children what they need automatically.

It’s a travesty that parents have to become experts in everything to ensure children are supported to meet their potential.

It’s boggling that educators who can define and breakdown a piece of work in order to be able to grade it consistently can’t apply this logic to an EHCP.

Sounds like you did really well. Deep breath for the next stage!

Well done, OP. It’s a really shit system but you socked it to them.

You may already know this, but Cerebra does good training courses/information sessions, including one on SEND law and EHCPs. I found it very useful when I was about to go into battle!

They just seem to used to passing off bad plans that they seem genuinely shocked when you point out the errors.

I am absolutely stunned that the Ed Psych just openly admitted that she didn’t know what provisions to set. I mean, what is actually the purpose of assessing them then? It’s so bizarre.

Well done for your meeting today.

A small suggestion for another situation like this, stand in front of the mirror and practice what you want to say. You become more confident as you do this.

At the end, Ask the chair if you can have a moment to discuss with Dh whether all of the points you'd planned on making have been addressed.

That then gives you and Dh a chance to re-cap.

You don't want to walk out of there, and get home and realise that there were things that you wished you had said.

You can do this. It's for your children so find your inner mama bear and go get what they both deserve.

I've never been one for confrontation but due to my son having ADHD I've had to stand up for him as no one else will. Now dealing with a teacher who thinks he's putting it all on. If that's the case my son should be on stage as he's kept that act on for the past 7 years 😂😂.

Honestly you CAN do it, yes it will be stressful but you can do it.

Hope it goes ok.x

" I'm struggling to comprehend why ..... this hasn't been addressed already......could this please be noted down in the minutes for today .... I'm puzzled (my step dad (senior social worker) advocated for me and said this is a good word to use) as to why ..... (you are so shit at your job. Basically) this hasn't been done.....

Sorry. Just seen your update.

I throw in, sorry I don’t understand how x would work

I’m confused about blah

Just checking I haven’t missed something, what is happening with x?

Along with so we’ve got x,y,z so I understand, how and when are these changes being reviewed?
What would mean that was done sooner? I don’t want to be constantly pestering you for updates.

Oblomov20 - love puzzled.