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Original poster

If DH and I died suddenly...

51 replies

NewUserNameReq · 15/02/2020 22:32

...who would raise our DC? Would they be put into care or would family raise them - if the latter, how is it decided which family raises them?

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 22:35

If you’ve legally made no plans for them then they’ll likely be put into foster care while any relatives who are willing to take them are assessed. If no blood relatives want them or if none of them are deemed suitable then they’ll remain in care

Pineappletree33 · 15/02/2020 22:36

This is usually decided and discussed with family and put into a will. We need to update ours since having dc, but I think my sister would take ours and we would have her ds.
Ultimately it’s depends on what you decide is best.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2020 22:36

You need to choose legal guardians and get it made official, you can include it in your wills.

What do you want to happen?!

We’ve chosen a friend and had it added to our wills within a couple of months of DD being born. It’s far far too important to leave to chance or strangers to decide. If we die her life will changed forever in a second so the least we can do is prepare for the worst responsibly.

DesLynamsMoustache · 15/02/2020 22:37

Do you have provisions in your will? Have you spoken to family members? We have our wishes written down in our wills and also have spoken to the people named within to check they would be happy to take on DD if something happened to us both.

Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 22:38

As for the family who raises them, depending on your children’s ages they could get a say in their preference. Otherwise it goes by common sense. Who they are currently closest to, who they spend the most time with, who already has had a part in raising them, who has a house/bedrooms suitable for them, who can afford/have time for them, schools and where they live can be a factor aswell

sar302 · 15/02/2020 22:39

You decide between you who you would want your children to go to in the event of your deaths - family, godparent, friend etc

Then you go to that person / people and discuss it with them.

Hopefully they say yes! And then you write it up formally - potentially as part of your will? - alongside who you would leave your estate to etc.

As an example, our DS would go to my sister in law in the event of both our deaths.

Original poster
NewUserNameReq · 15/02/2020 22:40

Wow I didn't realise this was included in a will Blush We don't even have wills as we have no assets to be passed on to anybody - thank you for educating me!!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2020 22:41

Most people are worth a lot more dead than alive.

It’s worth looking into.

LittleSweet · 15/02/2020 22:42

If you get life insurance it will help finance your children if you both die.

Stravapalava · 15/02/2020 22:44

We wrote our wills and their godparents have agreed to have them. It went into great detail and specified that they are to be kept together and kept at the same school etc.

I would imagine if no provision has been made, they will go to a family member.

FunnysInLaJardin · 15/02/2020 22:44

Yes as others have said, you appoint a guardian in your will. We have appointed ours sisters jointly with the eldest having the final say. Only 8 years to go before it is irrelevant......

managedmis · 15/02/2020 22:47

So you do have to specify in your will?

We are really torn between my parents (mid 60's, like their independence, let's say) and my brother in law (50, already has 4, albeit teenage kids)

Herpesfreesince03 · 15/02/2020 22:47

Get a will written up and get life insurance, you can get life insurance from a couple of quid a week

Original poster
NewUserNameReq · 15/02/2020 22:50

I'm so glad I asked, it has never crossed my mind before. Strav - details such as keeping them together and at the same school, so important!

Do most people choose guardians close in age to themselves? I.e. not DPs or ILs?

OP posts:
Catsrus · 15/02/2020 22:53

just be aware that this can open a can of worms. We asked my SIL to be guardians if we both went under a bus, she said 'no' - her kids were 10 yrs older than ours and she didn't want to go back to looking after small children. While I'm pleased she was honest, it did affect my view of her - my kids TOTALLY adored her and their cousins, I couldn't image not being willing to take on small children in those circumstances.

IT worked out OK as we talked to friends who were part of our wider friendship group and did a reciprocal arrangement with them. The children of both families knew that if anything ever did happen to their dps they would go live with the other family.

One of my dc, at times when she was pissed off with us, seemed to be looking forward to the prospect Wink. We went on holiday with the other family, their dc were just a bit younger than ours and were very much seen as like younger siblings. Still close as adults.

Think beyond blood family if you have to would be my advice, and if it comes up let the dc know they will be OK and who will look after them. I took that advice from a friend with MS, who was very clear with her kids about her illness and made sure they knew who would look after them if she and their dad died.

SeraphinaDombegh · 15/02/2020 22:54

We had a long hard think about it when we wrote our wills, and we chose to name our best friends rather than any family members. This is partly because a lot of the grandparents have health problems and brothers are either single or with plenty of their own children, and partly because we know that our best friends would bring them up very similarly to us, with the same kind of values, beliefs and discipline. You do what works for you and your kids.

AuditAngel · 15/02/2020 23:04

We spoke to DH's cousin when our eldest was born, it is in our wills that our children would go to her and her husband,

My sister and her husband have asked us to take her twins , should anything happen to them.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 15/02/2020 23:09

A scary amount of people are under the impression that if a child has godparents, they automatically become the legal guardians if the worst happened. In a parenting group I'm in on Facebook, a mum was asking how to go about getting her daughter christened so she had godparents to go to so the childs father couldn't "get his hands on her". She and a lot of other people were genuinely shocked when it was explained that godparents have no legal rights at all!

Love51 · 15/02/2020 23:14

The thing someone said about foster care isn't automatic. If there is local family the children can stay with in the immediate aftermath, that will happen.
Down the line the people caring for the children can apply for a special guardianship order. This gives them the parental responsibility for the children without blurring relationship lines like adoption would. So if the children are brought up by dad's sister Karen, she gets an SGO, so she can get on with raising them as part of her family, but she remains Aunty Karen, and doesn't become Mum which she would if an adoption order was granted (although of course if the child was very young when they lost their parent they can still call her mum if they please, it isn't illegal!)

AdaFromYorkshire · 15/02/2020 23:16

We had a reciprocal arrangement with our closest friends. Their DC and ours were, and still are, good friends. We agreed that both houses would be sold and a bigger one bought. It was in all our wills, signed and sealed, and our families knew about it. It's much too important to leave to strangers to sort out.

MeadowHay · 15/02/2020 23:20

We don't have wills yet either as like you we own no assets. Would I have to pay full whack to get a will done at a solicitors purely to write about guardianship of our DC? When we have nothing else to write in it as we don't own any property and have no savings. Or could we just write a guardianship thing ourselves and get witnesses to sign?

Numbersarefun · 15/02/2020 23:20

We left ours to my parents as they are (were) fairly young. When my eldest reached 18, we did suggest that we could change our wills and leave them to her instead! The younger ones still decided that Granny and Grandad would be better!!

Original poster
NewUserNameReq · 15/02/2020 23:21

@Catsrus really sad that she said no, but as you say at least she was honest. Lovely that you have essentially gained and extra family from your final arrangement!

OP posts:
Love51 · 15/02/2020 23:21

Think realistically about promising that the child can stay in their own home and school. Particularly if they end up with someone who already has children, this may prove logistically impossible. You have to trust that the adults will do their best. Equally if you have a lot of kids, you may find that you don't have anyone who feels able to take them all on.

YourWinter · 15/02/2020 23:23

Mine are grown up now, ex-h and I never did make wills detailing what should happen in the event of us both dying while the kids were young and dependent. It's often thought godparents are chosen with a view to them becoming guardians if the unthinkable happens, but although we never had the conversation, I don't think any of our kids' godparents would have been up for that. I remember my sister (whose children are much older than mine) saying that of course she would take them in, but would expect wills detailing precise financial arrangements to cover the expense.

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