Pressure from DP to get a job that pays well

[abientot]

Been a sahm for 4 years. For the last 6 months or so, I've been cleaning for £50ish per week. Before DD I worked in retail as a cashier (couldn't do any better) and have suffered depression for many years so I haven't been able to move up the ranks due to low confidence and introverted nature.

We live in a very expensive city in the UK and DP has already started making comments about me bringing more in to the household. He keeps emailing jobs to me that I know I cant do because I don't have the right techincal or social skills.

I dont know what to do with my life. I dont really have any interests, I spend most days with my 4 year old just looking after her and never thinking about what I like.

Are there any careers that I can go in to? Nothing where I have to be this fake extroverted sales type person. I would hate that.

You can't expect someone to financially provide for you for the rest of your life.

Same old story on here.

control over the money, going out whenever he wants and having lie ins, never having to lift a finger around the house or cook. He's got it good and I'd rather be him if my confidence wasnt so low.

He should be sharing his money so that you can go out as well as caring for your child. Is he willing to split all the household tasks once you’re working more hours? Next time he sends you a job advert ask him?

Settlersofcatan actually, I agree with you. When you said, 'losing respect for you' I nodded. He seems to me though to be running the relationship on some sort of 'tally chart' where he works out what is 'due' to the OP and what she isn't entitled to but receives through his good graces.

I'm not in favour of any woman not being able to be independent of a partner. If you have the means for independence, you need not use them - but you have them. Makes all the difference.

If you want to the about what to do with your life (that you might enjoy) i have been reading that it's good to start with thinking about your myself aged around ten. What did you really enjoy? I picked up my old hobby and get so immersed in it! I want to make a career from it but will have to plan it carefully.

If you just want better money, I don't really know the answer..: depends on your skills and abilities. Have a think, I don't believe you don't have any. I can hardly advise anyway as I'm a PA/secretary earning about 25k (20k part time at the mo), so hardly amazing!

How about counselling skills training? I have done Level 2 and 3. They have given me so many new skills and a good course will help you work on your self-esteem. You can then go onto Level 4 and beyond. You can get related work from Level 3 and then be a proper counsellor if you go on to complete Level 4.

You don’t need to decide what you’re going to do with your life in a big meaningful way in order to get a job. You’re not married so if he left you you’d get child support and nothing else, how would you manage then?

You’re not finding it helpful that he’s sending you jobs so what would help? Far more people have a job that pays for the roof over their and their children’s heads, food and clothes, than have a job that has them springing out of bed in the morning with glee because they love it. If you hate cleaning and it’s bringing in so little you need to find an alternative.

Oh god, your Dp sounds a prick though and he's taking the piss out of you with his lie ins!

Op - you don’t seem to realise that you have some really interesting interests - statistics and crime - there are definitely jobs out there that are relevant and don’t require you to be extrovert . Other posters are giving good advice as to getting further training and apprenticeships ... I think you need to have a good google !

I think going for interviews, getting ready, meeting dif people, being in a work place with new people could be amazing for your confidence. Go on go for it - could be start of something amazing

nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/

Your next job doesn’t have to be a forever or dream job.

Why don’t you go back to being a cashier in retail, the hours are often very flexible, you can use a skill you already have, and have the luxury of an additional income for the family.

You can then explore a career more, or if you’re happy with it stick with being a cashier.

nationalcareers.service.gov.uk/job-profiles/market-research-data-analyst

I was thinking about bookkeeping too. Or trainee accountant at a local accountancy firm. They might c pay for you to have some study leave and for you to take the exams. Look up ACCA or ACA. These are accountancy qualifications. You can ring them for advice. Or explore bookkeeping courses at your local adult college.

Accounting sounds ideal given that you're interested in maths, and the AAT qualifications are just as good as a degree, and most cities have plenty of vacancies. Otherwise if you like maths and chemistry, and would feel up to doing a degree after an access course, how about training as a pharmacist? It's only a bit more talking to customers than on a checkout and you get an area of the pharmacy where you can be out of view of customers, there's usually dispensers who can deal with customers and you'll be paid well and have a lot of autonomy. I bet if he's prodding you into work right now, he probably won't be happy if you take 6 more years out to do a part-time degree.
Please don't waste your time/one shot at a student loan on a social sciences degree, the job prospects aren't what they were in the Labour boom years when a lot of idealistic careers advisers formed their opinions. You'll be back on a checkout before you even get your certificate if you do social science or forensic anything. There's been too many cuts to services.

I think given the ops introverted nature/social difficulties that many of the jobs suggested which are “customer/client facing” won’t work for her.

What are your aptitudes op? What subjects were you good at and enjoyed at school?

I’ve done LOADS of different jobs but must admit I’m a more extrovert person than you (though not actually an extrovert).

I’m thinking jobs like:

Data entry (really easy to learn as long as you can do basic computing, pretty much “fill in the blanks” but good concentration & attention to detail required)

Bookkeeping or accounting - usually a fairly solitary job

Some factory jobs allow you to just get your head down and crack on

I left school with 4 GCSEs at C op, I now hold 2 degrees and a few industry specific post grad qualifications. Just because you weren’t especially academic at school doesn’t mean you can’t achieve academically now.

With what you’ve said about stats and crime there are some civil service jobs that relate to this, but I think a diploma at least would be required? But you could look into it and find out?

Or general admin for police? Loads of jobs in that area.

Pay clerk? They generally work without a huge amount of interaction with others

Researcher or research assistant - again not a job that generally requires a lot of face to face interaction.

Have you checked nearby unis for admin positions? Most of them don’t require customer facing aspects.

How about library work? There’s not just the “normal” public libraries but academic and research ones where you’re mostly maintaining the stock, maintaining the info about the stock and ordering items.

Publishing - hard copy and online material is often done by lone workers or people working in small teams. You may not achieve the heady heights of editor but there are many supporting roles.

Technical writer - something I’m actually interested in too. Preparing and writing things like user manuals.

It’s JUST occurred to me there’s one job you’d probably LOVE that I know of, you’d need to do a lot of training but much of it is “on the job” - my aunt does it and she’s quite introverted too.

Forensic accountant! - you have to be a trained accountant and then do further training for the crime side, but you’re young and I think you could defiantly do this! Your job would be to assess the “books” of people under suspicion of financial crimes (eg tax crimes) or where the crimes profits are cleverly being hidden perhaps in “fronting” businesses (often the case with drug dealers etc). And you use your accounting knowledge to find the financial evidence of the crimes. Would combine your stats/maths side of things with your interest in criminology.

My aunt fell into it via being just a “normal” accountant initially and then she discovered evidence of tax evasion when assessing a businesses books for a potential buyer of that business. The person she was dealing with at hmrc put her on track to be a forensic accountant full time and she’s done that for years now.

I’m not sure what the routes into that profession are now but it could well be worth your while looking into it. I’m thinking maybe via working for hmrc?

Another person I know works for hmrc on the customs side but mainly data and admin and she’s quite introverted too.

Maybe check out hmrc apprenticeships?

Write to the Police department, explaining that you are interested in crime statistics and ask if there are any jobs available or what qualifications are required.

Accounting or data management apprenticeships sound like a reasonable fit. I've worked several places with finance apprentices, they've been treated well and seemed to enjoy it.

Do you think it's because he has faith in you and wants.you to be happier? Your confidence sounds low.:( but sit down chat is needed

If you get a job how will childcare and housework work out? Sounds as if your DP won’t be taking his fair share.

You could apply to work for the local council/civil service in an admin role. I have to go into our local offices sometimes for work. It's so quiet, everyone tucked away their booths on their computers. it definitely suits an introverted nature. And it's steady, reliable work.

You could apply to do clerical work for the police.

But first, sit down with DH and work out how much it would cost the family to pay for the childcare, travel, work clothes etc. Add that to the £50 you already earn calculate tax, NI and pension contribution and show him how much you'd have to be earning to have even £1 more take home pay than you already have from the cleaning work. Explain that if you work, the housework, laundry, shopping, childcare and cooking all get split 50 50 from now on, which will involve him having fewer lie ins and nights out. And explain that you will expect him to pay %0% contribution towards child minder fees. It doesn't all come out of your wage.

I really wouldn't just take more cleaning jobs or go back to retail. I don't think that would do your confidence any good at all. You have the opportunity to retrain and get into something that genuinely fits your skillset. Take it! If you don't and later on your DP leaves you, you won't have that opportunity and will be forced into low wage jobs.

I actually don't think your DP sounds that bad. He sounds like he doesn't want you to be a SAHM and is trying to push you into getting a better job by not making it too cushy because it doesn't sound like you would ever get a job if he left you to it. Did he want you to be a SAHM to begin with?

He’s very clearly telling you he doesn’t want to be the sole earner and expects you to contribute. If he decides he’s had enough, how would you support yourself let alone a child.

I think given the ops introverted nature/social difficulties that many of the jobs suggested which are “customer/client facing” won’t work for her.

I can't see where she has said she has social difficulties. Being a bit introverted and not suited to sales doesn't mean you have 'social difficulties'. It definitely applies to me and my social skills are fine thanks!

There are loads and loads of jobs in marketing/ digital marketing OP. They also like to analyse using stats to calculate 'impact'.

And they aren't all extroverts, there are some right oddballs that work in it in my experience

Maybe you could try stock allocation with a few to move up to merchandising. Google allocator roles, It's not probability, but very number crunching and you have a retail back ground, so you understand shops. You don't usually need any experience it's an entry level role usually. Could be in any retailer from Fashion to food.

I can't see where she has said she has social difficulties.

I got that from comments like:

“low confidence and introverted nature.”

“I don't have the right techincal or social skills.”

“Nothing where I have to be this fake extroverted sales type person. I would hate that.”

The above comments were all in the op!

Subsequent posts contained comments like

“Some jobs has sent me are sales jobs, mostly recruitment. I know I cant do that kind of job”

“if my confidence wasnt so low.”

The op has been very clear that a job with a lot of social interaction wouldn’t suit her.