Is this burnout or am I just not cut out for nursing?

[Fullforcegale]

I’ve been working as a nurse for 2.5 years and sometimes I feel like I hate it with a passion. I find the lack of control over my day depressing as I am constantly on edge anticipating the next admission or time consuming emergency. Many of the patients are perfectly pleasant but it only takes one very anxious/rude/demanding patient to upset my day. I hate how some senior staff and doctors speak to us. I detest being made to feel incompetent because I don’t know something minor or they are in a bad mood.

I work in haematology/oncology and the patients often die but I rarely feel anything. A death in my shift is an inconvenience because I will have to wash the body and transport it down to the morgue. I wish patient’s wouldn’t cry when I’m there because I have nothing to offer them.

I really don’t know if I’m completely unsuited to the job or whether I’m just burned out or depressed. For all the negatives, the majority of the team are great and we look after one another. I just can’t seem to shake this feeling that I am wasting my life here.

How about a change of ward or different direction of nursing rather than ward work? You don’t sound like you have much compassion/caring left in this particular environment which is not good for the patients.....but maybe you’d regain it elsewhere?

Were you like this throughout your training? If not, then try another job within nursing and try and find your passion again. It is a hugely demanding job so make sure youre getting supervision.

Nursing sounds to me like constant fire-fighting - too few beds, too few staff so no time to empathise or care for the patients.
So not job satisfaction.
Can you work in industry, aren't they nurses on oil platforms etc. Not ideal ifyou have DCs. bit far to take them to school

I suppose you need to think back to why you wanted to be a nurse? What was your motivation? Were you ever compassionate? If not then maybe it isn't for you. At the moment you are in a privilege position of making a massive difference to the lives of the people on your ward. And even more to the relatives of a deceased person - who often remember forever the kindness of the nurse who was with them when a loved one passes away.

Can you book and take holiday while you consider your future and have a rest? Do you have a mentor to chat to?

As a retired nurse I find your response to someone dying really concerning. It may be that you are mentally exhausted by the job and have stopped feeling empathy for the patients. A lack of compassion needs to be addressed as this will seriously affect your ability to nurse and will have a negative effect on your self worth. Sorry but in decades of nursing I have never heard a nurse speak with such a lack of feeling about a death being an inconvenience and not wanting relatives to cry.
Rethink whether you really want to be a nurse.

What coping mechanisms have you developed in your personal life to manage it? I work in a very emotionally stressful and over stretched job and I have noticed that if people don’t develop their own coping mechanism then they burn out; I found exercise was the best way for me but I know people who use different hobbies to do this.
I’d also think about a change of ward or direction; not all nursing is so unpredictable or involves so much death and it be that the underlying anxiety of each day is causing all this.

You sound like the nurse who dealt with us when my dad died

10 years later I still feel disgust towards her lack of basic human compassion.

I think you need to move on as you are not just neutral in these situations, you are causing further hurt

In an environment like oncology you need good supervision to help you talk through how you feel. Do you get that?

I am a nurse and I think what you are saying is saddening. Being burnt out you would be exhausted and stressed but you should never lose compassion in death. I think you should change to another department and see if this helps. In the interim does your trust have an employee counselling service? If they do, refer yourself in and talk about how you feel.

Nursing has so many avenues, I was on a very busy ward and found myself constantly stressed and crying not able to cope with the constant firefighting. I moved to a critical care unit which while it still has its stresses is much less with staffing beds constant demands. I am now loving it again. I wasn't where you are but I wasn't coping either.

They are options to work in day case, clinics places that only work 9-5 weekdays and don't have the constant emergencies. I have friends who moved to private hospitals, the patients there tend to be less unwell. There are so many options. Try and remember why you got into nursing, but do move you can't continue as you are it's not fair on you and it's not fair on the patients and families. You don't have to leave nursing there are lots of less stressful roles out there for nurses if you look a bit. Does your trust have a transfer register? In my trust you don't even have to apply to move anywhere in the trust you just talk to matron. In fact I would suggest you talk to your matron anyway if she is approachable.

There are so many opportunities in nursing. You need to move on and find something else in nursing, as you have burnt out in your current role.

Compassion fatigue is real. I was an NHS clinician and towards the last few years of my career, I felt like you - empty, zero empathy left, just nothing left to offer patients. People will tell you that you 'shouldn't' feel that way, but it happens, and for me it was a side effect of burnout

How much support do you get in terms of supervision, appraisal, chance to debrief regularly?

Do you have anyone to talk to? Most places have a staff welfare service. Read up on compassion fatigue, what you say rings a bell. I would think about moving to a different specialty, have a think about what are the bits of the job you like and something is likely to be a better fit. Nursing is a strange occupation. It’s a profession yet one with a general lack of autonomy and a weird, paternalistic, military, do as you’re told type hierarchy. The ones who rise to the top unfortunately choose to reinforce this model. It’s hard to work under at times.

Maybe a change of setting is needed?
Do you get quality supervision? Are you honest in your supervision?

Maybe you are just in the wrong dept.
I would look at something else, are you actually feeling low in mood/numb?

Is the rest of your life as bad? Days off/evenings.

Maybe you are depressed.

I agree with all those saying you should look at changing specialities before you leave the profession altogether. Oncology is tough - my friend is an A&E veteran but he says the few times he’s picked up shifts on Oncology are some of the most emotionally draining he’s ever done.

There are plenty of options out there that deal with much less major things so you won’t be constantly dealing with death/dying people. Or look outside of a ward setting in the community.

You definitely need to change though - whether it’s compassion fatigue or something like depression or disassociation it’s not good for the patients and families for you to continue as you are.

I think none of the things you have said are " abnormal". This is similar to tales I have heard from close nursing friends over the years .
I think you absolutely need a change of environment .
I still have nightmares about a nursing job where I felt similar to you and that was 15 years ago. I changed wards and within a month I was back to my old self .
It's important for you and your patients to find a role where you can be that enthusiastic and compassionate nurse that you were at the beginning, I'm sure she's still there , I promise .

Oncology isn't for everyone- I wouldn't do it. The social/emotional needs of the patients and relatives are high and to be honest not my forte. I know this and so wouldn't work there. I moved to ED as I preferred fast paced, and multiple contacts with the public for shorter periods, as opposed to longer term patient/ health care relationship and it worked for me. You obviously aren't suited to where you are- and that's not a failing to recognise. I'd try other areas which speak more to your strengths before saying it's done though. There are multiple different specialties. If you prefer more structure- theatre or ICU. More variety and fast pace, A&E. Ortho can be fun and challenging, etc. find an interest first and then reassess would be my advice.

I think you’re getting some harsh responses here O.P. feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I’m a doctor and I felt very similar for many years - it took me a while to admit I was burnt out. I guess I felt I should have been stronger maybe or that burnout wouldn’t happen to me. I didn’t ‘break down’ I just hardened. Hardened against everyone - I hated patients, resented them, felt they should only ask for the bare minimum, like you - thought it was an inconvenience when someone died. Anything that required taking more from me I resented. I had nothing more to give. I didn’t feel low or depressed. But slowly slowly I stopped being me - i lost interest in art, debate, politics, even simple things like cooking (I used to love to cook). it wasn’t until I came thru the other side 3 years later I realised how much I’d changed. Sadly - I’ve improved a bit by working part time and changing my job (now GP) - but I think I’ve lost that other person forever. I’m actually going to quit shortly to see if that helps, but I appreciate I’m in a lucky position to do so.

So I guess all I can say is I’ve been there, and I’m sorry this has happened to you.

'I didn’t ‘break down’ I just hardened. Hardened against everyone - I hated patients, resented them, felt they should only ask for the bare minimum'

Yes, that's exactly it. Great description. Very brave of you to admit that you resented your patients. I felt the same. It's a really horrible feeling

My first ever comment on Mumsnet though Ive been lurking for a while....felt compelled to say...YOU ARE NORMAL!!!! Ive been a Nurse for over 20 years. Currently working in a home for people living with Dementia. I nearly punched the air when told that a particularly challenging resident was in hospital...Its bloody draining... And when in the acute sector when I heard the helicopter overhead I thought 'oh for fucks sake'... I KNOW Im a nice caring person but with resources stretched to the absolute limits, too many chiefs and not enough indians its enough to make anyone question their vocation. Just offering a handhold as ive seen before on MN. Good luck x

Is it honestly normal to feel disgust/hatred for people whose relatives are dying, or who have just died? I'm not a medic, but it actually makes me feel sick to think that someone who cared for my dad through his cancer may have viewed him like this.

I honestly think you should find another job. Sorry if that's harsh.

Im a nurse and I agree with what you say about death. Im very kind and supporting to the relatives, but the dead body is a dead body.

Maybe that type of nursing isnt for you. GP Nursing, Sexual Health nursing, Research Nurse, Public Health? There are so many different strands you could go into.

Sorry but in decades of nursing I have never heard a nurse speak with such a lack of feeling about a death being an inconvenience and not wanting relatives to cry.

Really!?

I should say as well, im a Nurse. I used to be ward nurse but hated every aspect of it. I hated the tedium, I hated seeing the same patients every day with the same problems, I hated the routine. Everything.

I changed to a different sector and now love it.

I was with my relative who died last night in hospital and the nurses were lovely and calm and showed genuine care and affection for him and us around him.
I did think how difficult it must be to work in that environment and somehow manage all the sadness and fear and difficult bits and when someone is really ill like that and then death. Day in day out. It must take its toll. I know I couldn’t do it. You don’t have to, it sounds like you’re really struggling and your defences have come up to try and block it away.