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Original poster

If you are lesbian... what constitutes losing your virginity

66 replies

Redtartanshoes · 08/02/2020 15:50

I’ll begin by saying I really don’t want to cause offence to anyone and am probably going to show my ignorance but this was born from a random thought and I can’t get my head round it. Sorry if it’s crude.

So. A Virgin is someone that hasn’t had intercourse. Right? I think? Penis in vagina.

Obviously a woman who has only ever had female partners has never had “this”... does this mean that she’s a Virgin despite being in a sexual relationship? Or does penetration count as sex and therefore mean the woman is not a Virgin. But then if you had a man and a woman who did similar things, would they not be virgins anymore? Or would the woman not be as she’s been penetrated but the man is as his penis has been kept in his pants?

I genuinely can’t think of the answer. Am I missing something? Being thick?

Fwiw my mum has been in a same sex marriage for 10 years, but was married to my dad before this... but (probably rightly so) I can’t ask her what she thinks.

Sorry x 100000000 if I’ve offended anyone, was just genuinely curious

OP posts:
OhLook · 08/02/2020 15:53

I don't think it really matters to anyone actually concerned? I mean I don't think lesbians are losing sleep over this so not sure why you are.

Biancadelrioisback · 08/02/2020 15:56

For me personally, I consider losing my virginity as the first time I did anything other than a kiss and some over the clothes groping with someone I cared about at the time.

Original poster
Redtartanshoes · 08/02/2020 15:56

To be honest the one thing I did think was the term Virgin is very out dated and probably should be scrapped. And yes I concede no one is or should lose sleep over this, but then that’s probably the case for 90% of the threads on here... “should I send my kid to the pirate party” “is this dress suitable for a wedding” “will it be sunny in Spain next month”

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 08/02/2020 15:59

The first time I had sex was with another girl and I counted that as losing my virginity - was the first time I had sex.

Viviene · 08/02/2020 16:00

You know you can penetrate a vagina with things other than a penis, right? Oral sex is also sex, I think there was a case law in the US about that :D, mutual masturbation is also sex in my books.
I had a brief encounter with a guy with an ED and even though we did not have a PIV sex for a long time, the relationship definitely wasn't chaste.

ProclivitiesMcManus · 08/02/2020 16:00

Well some concepts just don't copy across. Women have a clear onset of sexual maturity when menstruation starts, men don't. It's pretty obvious when a man has an orgasm, with women it's a bit more nuanced. There are some sexual activities that two men can do that a straight couple can't. And virginity is something that tends to be defined by penises.

user14572856389 · 08/02/2020 16:01

Virginity is a toxic concept used to control women.

TeddyIsaHe · 08/02/2020 16:01

Virginity isn’t a thing, it was invented by men to suppress women.

I’ve had loads of sex with men and women, I can be a virgin today if I feel like it.

OhLook · 08/02/2020 16:01

I just meant that I doubt lesbians are thinking about whether they're 'virgins' or not, so I don't think its an issue.

I agree it's outdated generally.

Original poster
Redtartanshoes · 08/02/2020 16:01

Yes, that’s what I’m trying to say/ask. If you penetrate as a heterosexual with something other than penis would that count as losing virginity the same?

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/02/2020 16:02

Interesting, my DD asked me this question the other day and had really no idea!

Original poster
Redtartanshoes · 08/02/2020 16:02

Agree 💯 re virginity being toxic outdated and invented by men

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/02/2020 16:02

I had no idea!

Looneytune253 · 08/02/2020 16:06

I know what you are trying to say. Personally as a heterosexual woman if I went to bed with a man and we did lots of foreplay and maybe even oral sex, I wouldn't class that as losing my virginity BUT I can see why a lesbian might have to classify it differently as there would never necessarily be penetrative sex. I don't know the answer sorry

BarbedBloom · 08/02/2020 16:08

I find this hard to explain so excuse me if I am a bit clumsy. I think only considering losing ones virginity as happening after penis enters vagina is a very male orientated viewpoint and sets virginity as something that can only be taken.

For me, my sexual experiences with women are as valid as those I have had with men. My first sexual experience was with a woman but the first man I slept with, knowing this, told people he had taken my virginity, which erased my perspective and made me feel that he was saying my previous sexual experience didn't count, which was far from the truth. Sex for me is far more than penis in vagina and I think that attitude is one of the reasons so many women have shit sex lives as foreplay, which is the only way many women can orgasm, is seen as just that, a lead up to the main event.

NeutralJanet · 08/02/2020 16:11

I’ve had loads of sex with men and women, I can be a virgin today if I feel like it

I don't understand this statement, can you elaborate on that? How can you be a virgin if you've had loads of sex?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 08/02/2020 16:18

I've had this conversation in a slightly different context. Years ago at work I was talking about how much I hated being in sunshine because I'm part vampire (probably on my mother's side) and someone asked why I hadn't tried to bite any of them. So I said 'because no virgins', to which most of them nodded and went back to work. One woman insisted that she was a virgin. I pointed out that she'd been serially monogamous since I'd known her, I'd even met a couple of her girlfriends, so I was pretty sure she'd had sex (it was work so I called it 'fun in a bed'). She still insisted that it didn't count because there was no penis (or a work-friendly phrase to that effect).

She may have had vampire fantasies though and might have just been overly pedantic in the hope of getting a neck nibble. Grin

TeddyIsaHe · 08/02/2020 16:27

@NeutralJanet because virginity isn’t a thing. It’s a made up construct to belittle, suppress and own women. I do not buy into that shite, so. If I want to be a virgin today, I can!

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 08/02/2020 16:31

Google reckons that in medical terms the definition of losing your virginity is penis-in-vagina intercourse, however “having sex” is oral/masturbation etc. It does seem a little outdated as I’m sure gay people who have had sex don’t consider themselves Virgins!

TickingClock55 · 08/02/2020 16:33

I have wondered this myself about this. I had a relationship with a woman and then didn't have 'proper sex' until I was older with the man who became my husband. Those are the only sexual relationships I have had. So I have never been sure if I was a virgin until i had sex with a man. I agree it's an outdated concept based on the idea that sex is only PIV between a man and a woman. It's all about the hymen and was invented by men as a method of control and catogorisation.
Would a man be a virgin if he hadn't had sex with a woman but had had same sex relationships? I don't think so.

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/02/2020 16:33

Surely you’ve either had sex or you haven’t?. I was a virgin, then I had sex. Then I wasn’t a virgin anymore.

It’s the concept of a virgin being pure that’s toxic.

Whatsbrownandsticky · 08/02/2020 16:34

If you're so curious, go down to your local lesbian bar and find someone to go home with.

CallofDoodee · 08/02/2020 16:36

It's definitely a social construct. The idea that you can put a willy in your mouth or anywhere really, but as long as it doesn't go in your vagina then you are still 'pure' is laughable really.

Also, does the guy have to come in order for the virginity to be actually 'lost'? Or is that what being a Mean Girls style 'half a virgin' means? Grin

Upsideandundergarments · 08/02/2020 16:37

Virginity is entirely a social construct. It used to be important when there was no reliable contraception in order to be clear about the paternity of children. Nowadays, does it actually matter? A woman is not fundamentally changed by a penis or lack thereof.

In medical terms, if you are talking about the breaking of the hymen, that's another generalization. For some women, it breaks before penetration and for others, it never breaks. Research has found sex workers and pregnant women with hymens intact so... yeh.

If you want to continue the idea of virginity then it means your first sexual encounter. But I don't think it matters and it is up to the individual to define their own narrative.

KenDodd · 08/02/2020 16:46

I remember I read once that at the time the bible was written 'virgin' meant a woman who hadn't had children. This was originally what the virgin Mary was. (Again, misses point of thread).