Another baby and start all over again or enjoy getting life back young?

[mumofoneortwo]

Hi,

So firstly, I actually don't like the expression "get your life back" when referring to DCs, as I'm not waiting for my DD to leave home. I'm actually dreading it, but anyway, I'll explain the situation...

Have a 13 year old DD and I was a young mum when I had her (early 20's) Her dad and I were not a good match and we broke up when DD was 5. Both in new relationships.

Tbh I was quite happy with having an only child and these broody feelings are actually quite recent, but they're very strong. I suspect it's my hormones going into 'last chance' mode. I'm 36 this year and for the first time ever, my cycle has become regular and I ovulate on day 14-16 every month. I can feel it very strongly and the ovulation tests confirm it. I feel like my body is giving me a gentle nudge/shove and reminding me it's now or never.

If we don't have any more DC then yes, we'll still be young when DD flies the nest, but actually that makes me quite sad. Don't get me wrong, I would certainly appreciate the regained freedom and the ability to just nip here and there when we like. Well, as much as life allows.

The thing is, I feel more ready now than I ever did before. I feel like I would actually do a good job, as I felt massively out of my depth the first time round, plus I was in a miserable relationship and still living with my parents, so never had that content family feeling. Feel awful saying this and would actually feel guilty for DD not having a more clued up and emotionally stable mum, whereas her sibling would have a different experience.

I'm in a happy and stable relationship and we are financially confortable. My DD would be over the moon, but she wouldn't have the typical sibling realtionship and at 14 plus, would maybe be more like an auntie.

The other thing that is stopping me is that I'm so worried that something will go wrong and that because I'm just going over the 'safety zone' with my prime fertility, there's more chance of abdormalites and
mc etc. I have had a fertility check up recently and all looked good currently.

I don't know what to do! Shall I just count myself lucky and enjoy the DD that I have and look forward to the next chapter with no baby or should I give into that broody pull, try for another and enjoy a very different chapter?

Any advice or experience anyone has would be really appreciated! I'm honestly so confused, but feel like we need to move fast and make a decision.

Thanks.

I'm 37 and 14 weeks pregnant, my first child is 20 years old!

I had him when I was 17 and was a single teenage mother. Awful at the time but everything worked out great and he is doing wonderfully at university.

I'm in a secure and stable relationship and also felt that gentle nudge. I was always adamant I wouldn't have any more. Thought it would be great when I 'got my life back' but in all honesty, it isn't that great, I still feel really young and was quite sad at the thought that I was done with that part of life.

I'm really excited about our new baby, I'm older, wiser, happier and cannot wait to do it all again but with far better circumstances.

I would personally say go for it!

I can't see any reason at all why you shouldn't go for it. Good luck it sounds like you would be in a great position and would really enjoy it this time round.

I wouldn’t. I’m 37 and very fertile - I also ovulate very obviously, this isn’t a sign to me that I should maybe consider another baby!

I don’t want to go back to the baby days as much as I love babies. But, that’s me.

You don’t mention your partner at all in this - does he want a child? That might give you an easy answer.

I started again at 38, 12 year gap.I actually found it a lot less stressful than I thought it would be, it makes such a difference being with the right person. What does your partner think ? Does he have DC already ?

@mywrencalls, that's really lovely. Wishing you all the best with your upcoming addition

My DP is certainly on board. Happy either way, but is definitely more in the baby camp.

I'm naturally an overthinker too, so I've convinced myself I've damaged myself over the years with too much alcohol etc. We actually only drink at the weekends, but still, I suspect I edge over the guidelines. Obviously I don't drink when pregnant, but you can't actually check egg quality can you? Just quantity. That all looks good, but yes, it's a definite concern.

I've been taking fertility boosting vitamins in preparation for the past few months, just in case we did decide to go ahead. I figured it can't do me any harm, either way.

Go for it. Mid 30s are a lovely time to be a mother, as you have more self confidence and more life experience. And in your case the added bonus of already having done it successfully already.

I personally wouldn't. I was 38 when I met DH. He had no kids. I had two aged 11 and 9. No way would I have gone back to sleepless nights and nappies at that age. DH quite happy not to have kids. We are now 50 & 47, the kids graduate Uni this year, and we are globe trotters. Can't imagine still having school aged children, tbh.

That said, I don't think you're too old. But...yes, if you had a child who was unwell, you could have imploded your perfect world as you now know it.

i think you should go for it there is 14 years between me and my youngest sister (mum was 39 btw) and we are extremely close. i think you sound like you want to, so just go for it.

Thanks for all the replies.

I'm still quite torn. I don't think I'll ever be certain, whichever choice we make.

It just felt like the right time, in that I have more confidence, more secuirty and are just about to move into a bigger house....with a ready to go nursery

Sounds like you want to... exciting!

Do it! You sound like you want to. The age gap will be fine. Honestly.

I had my first at 17, she is now 18. I also have a 2year old. The age gap isn't what I would of wanted but my little one brings some much joy to us. I wouldn't have it any other way. I feel like she was this missing piece to our puzzle.

You’re only 36! You’re talking like you’re 46. It’s really not late to have a baby! You sound like you both want one so I think you should have one, there’s no real reason not to. Who hasn’t drunk too much etc over the years! That’s not a reason!

Do it! I have an 11yo and a 1yo and it's amazing to be back in the toddler stage. I am also v relaxed with him because I can see the long term outcomes of the typical toddler things to worry about, and know they sort themselves out in the end. Keeps me on my toes having two so different as well :)

Plus it's nice to be a mum in my 30s rather than in my 20s when everyone judges you for it. Of course they still do when they clock my eldest's age, but I feel much more prepared this time.

If it helps to know, there's 20 years between my brother and I and we very much have a sibling relationship :)

Do what makes you happiest OP!

If you've been for a fertility test and have started taking fertility boosting vitamins then who are you kidding, you really want a baby! Stop overthinking and go for it!

I have just done exactly this and we cannot imagine life without our little baby girl who is now 7 weeks old.

I have two children from a previous marriage - they are 12 and 9. My partner has a 10 year old. I'm 40 and still felt as though I could never rule out having another baby even though there seemed to be so many more reasons not to.

Even when I fell pregnant we went over the 'ifs' and 'buts', my age and the higher risks involved. Finances. Nappies and sleepless nights etc etc.

However there was one bit of advice that I will never forget and that was.....you never regret having a baby. This couldn't have been more true and we are truly besotted as are our other children. I am absolutely loving being a mummy to a newborn again.

I say GO FOR IT!

I had my youngest at 36, with a nine-year gap to the next child. The older children love the youngest (now a teen) but it's a very different relationship to the ones they have together. They all left home for Uni etc when he was young and he barely remembers them living at home. Because of this, we travel to see them and invite them to join us on holiday etc (harder now they are older).

We talked about this last week, absolutely no regrets. Without him, the last 10 years would have been basically childfree, more work and more saving. However, he is the light of our life and has bought nothing but joy.

you never regret having a baby

This was actually something my Dsis was saying when she was desperately trying to convince me to have another (and give her another niece or nephew 🙂)

It sort of sounds obvious, but it's true.

How does your DD feel about a baby sibling?

sorry should have read the thread properly.

Not exactly same situation as you OP; but can honestly say that our second child was the last puzzle in our family picture. Had DD2 two months before my 43rd birthday and she has been an absolute joy in all of our lives. I was on the fence for a long time, husband and daughter (DD1) were really for it. One of the things that made my mind up was a client of mine who had worked decades in palliative care. He told me that when speaking to his patients, their biggest regret in life was not having spent more time with their children and partners. Very very few regretted not having say, more pension, more travel, better cars etc. He also said to me that instead of saying "you only live once" you should say "you only die once, but live every day". As cheesy as it sounds, I felt somehow that something was missing from our lives although very happy and fulfilled before. Now we are absolutely complete. And ps second pregnancy much easier than first one mid 30ies

@spanishdream come true. Really happy for you. Must be wonderful to feel like that missing piece has been found. Can I ask if you were concerned about the risks associated with having a baby later?

Hi OP yes we were very concerned and did have extra private scans and all tests known to man. Also a early pg scare with bleeding and we thought we'd lost her! But as soon as all tests came back perfect I could relax in a totally other way than with my first. I find I am a much more laid back mother now, too. Of course, had the tests come up showing irregularities we would have had another experience altogether. Two close friends have had to terminate due to illnesses in children at a late stage pregnancy. So not risk free. But the way I look at it now the reward far outweigh the risk. Best of luck OP whichever you decide

I personally wouldn’t. However, only you know whether it would be the right decision for you.

Try and imagine 10 years in the future, what your life would be like in either scenario. Do you think you’d always have a nagging feeling of regret if you didn’t have another?