Another baby and start all over again or enjoy getting life back young?

[mumofoneortwo]

Hi,

So firstly, I actually don't like the expression "get your life back" when referring to DCs, as I'm not waiting for my DD to leave home. I'm actually dreading it, but anyway, I'll explain the situation...

Have a 13 year old DD and I was a young mum when I had her (early 20's) Her dad and I were not a good match and we broke up when DD was 5. Both in new relationships.

Tbh I was quite happy with having an only child and these broody feelings are actually quite recent, but they're very strong. I suspect it's my hormones going into 'last chance' mode. I'm 36 this year and for the first time ever, my cycle has become regular and I ovulate on day 14-16 every month. I can feel it very strongly and the ovulation tests confirm it. I feel like my body is giving me a gentle nudge/shove and reminding me it's now or never.

If we don't have any more DC then yes, we'll still be young when DD flies the nest, but actually that makes me quite sad. Don't get me wrong, I would certainly appreciate the regained freedom and the ability to just nip here and there when we like. Well, as much as life allows.

The thing is, I feel more ready now than I ever did before. I feel like I would actually do a good job, as I felt massively out of my depth the first time round, plus I was in a miserable relationship and still living with my parents, so never had that content family feeling. Feel awful saying this and would actually feel guilty for DD not having a more clued up and emotionally stable mum, whereas her sibling would have a different experience.

I'm in a happy and stable relationship and we are financially confortable. My DD would be over the moon, but she wouldn't have the typical sibling realtionship and at 14 plus, would maybe be more like an auntie.

The other thing that is stopping me is that I'm so worried that something will go wrong and that because I'm just going over the 'safety zone' with my prime fertility, there's more chance of abdormalites and
mc etc. I have had a fertility check up recently and all looked good currently.

I don't know what to do! Shall I just count myself lucky and enjoy the DD that I have and look forward to the next chapter with no baby or should I give into that broody pull, try for another and enjoy a very different chapter?

Any advice or experience anyone has would be really appreciated! I'm honestly so confused, but feel like we need to move fast and make a decision.

Thanks.

I wish people would stop with the ' You never regret having a baby ' shite when it is obvious that some people do.

Were exactly the same as HuskyloverI and I agree! DH hasbeen a fantastic stepfather to my children but we really appreciate having time, money and freedom now they've both left home. Although it would have been nice if we'd conceived a child together when my children were younger, I am very happy with our life now and ability to do what we want without having to plan around school term-times and kids schedules!

@darksidedarkening, I think calling it "shite" is a bit harsh. It's fine to disagree, but I don't think any anger needs to be injected into this thread tbh.

I meant shite as in bollocks as in untrue. it is untrue. Some people do regret having children. It's wrong to encourage people who are doubtful about having children to have children on the grounds that they wont' regret it when they might.

Definitely talk with the oh. Ask him. If you both feel you want to then yes go for it. Yes you are what they call the older end of fertility but my mum was 37 when she had me. I was fine. Plenty of people have healthy children in their 30s.

I feel this will be me in a few years. My son's only 2. My eldest is nearly 5. I sometimes think maybe I'll have another when my boys 11. I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy again until I don't have to do school runs. I am so exhausted and queasy I'd never cope.

Sounds like you want another baby. It's natural to think of what it would be like being free too. You will get some life back in your late 40s which gives you plenty of time later on to be free of babies and young children needing alot of care.

I can imagine when my youngest is at school I will get alot more housework etc done. But I'm not in a rush for it. Some days I wish I could do what I liked. I am enjoying these years though

I think as long as you’re realistic. And have thought about how you’d deal with a more difficult baby or if your child had any health issues. My DD had colic and has been incredibly hard work and still is at 18 months. I know others who have had children like this and it’s nearly broken their families. Your 14 year old may be picturing a squishy cuddly baby and thats just not always the case!

I don’t regret my daughter at all, I adore her, but if I was in your situation, later in life and second time around I’m not sure I’d risk it in case I had another baby/ toddler that basically left me housebound, cried all day and didn’t sleep for a year.

I have a 16 year old and a nearly 1 year old😂

Situation very similar to yours OP. I’m 37 and we are considering another.

I wouldn’t trade DS for the world. I’m so glad we went for it.

I can't tell you how up and down I am on the subject! It's ridiculous actually. I change my mind from day to day. Actually hour to hour, but then I am just generally indecisive and the opposite of impulsive, which often means I over analyse and never move forward!

Yesterday I was edging towards no, today I'm almost certainly yes.

JUST MAKE A DECISION WOMAN!... Right?

@Sexnotgender, can I ask how old you are? Did you have an issues conceiving( If you don't mind me asking)? Glad that it's worked out well for you

I actually meant to delete my first question, nut forgot @Sexnotgender, as you made it very clear how old you are

No I had no issue conceiving. Came of the pill in the January, after about 10+ years!

Fell pregnant in April though had an early miscarriage and then immediately fell pregnant again in May. Thankfully that one stuck and he’ll be 1 on Sunday ❤️

15 and 17 years between me and my siblings and whilst we werent like best mates growing up , I have certainly had a lovely relationship with them throughout my life and even more so now as adults.

@Sexnotgender, I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

I hope your DS has a wonderful 1st birthday!

@Glassio, that's good to hear.

It sounds like you really want one, and as your DP is keen I'd say go for it.

I had my only child when I was 22. He will be going off to university when I'm 40 (if he decides to go).

I could not imagine anything worse than starting all over again with a newborn when I had adult children. I've spent my 20s caring for a child, my 40s will be my time for myself.

But everyone's different! It's a very personal decision. If it's what you and your partner want there's no reason why you shouldn't have another.

"You never regret having a baby" isn't true at all. Plenty of people regret having children, there are often threads about it on here. But from your posts OP I don't think you would.

My friend started again at 47, she had her second set of twins. Her first set are 17.
She's hired a nanny

I had those feelings at that age too. I ignored them and don't regret it. The teen years are when kids probably need you as much if not more than new born stage. Really glad dc had my full attention at that age, teens are full of hormones and need support

I'm a similar position although a bit older. I had DS (now 11) when I was 27. I feel similar about having an empty nest (also a horrible phrase) in my mid forties. Not helped as everyone else I know had kids later than I did.

I'm just starting to TTC but turning 40 is my deadline. If it doesn't happen I won't be too upset, but I'd be over the moon if it did.

Would you feel like this if you were still single?

How would you feel if you had a baby and then your relationship broke down?

I wouldn't, I'm 33 DD is 12 and I couldn't have anymore babies and have come to terms with that. If someone said they could guarantee I could have another now I'd say no. I like the family dynamic the way it is, if I had to go off work for more Mat leave and then pay childcare again it would restrict what we do as a family. And to be really honest I'm quite excited to go to countries and places that aren't my DD's cup of tea when she's grown up, to be able to go out with DH without arranging babysitting (something we've not had much off for dates etc).

I love my DD but I don't think I could face starting all over again and knowing I'll have to deal with this hormonal phase again

OP for you, yourself, it may well be lovely. You are young enough that you may well conceive with no trouble, you’re in a stable relationship and are financially ok too.

But as the parent of a family with fairly large age gaps between DC - please think carefully about your 13yo as well as your own life. You may think she’d love it, but the reality is she’d be tiptoeing around a baby, probably having to limit having friends over because you’ll need them to be quiet in the evenings because the baby’s asleep, being limited as to the activities she can participate in because her life now has to fit around a small child whose needs will now come first. Trying to revise for her GCSEs with a toddler roaring round the house and possibly disturbing her sleep. Having to cope with a fundamental change to her life when she is at a really tricky stage and really needs your support.

I know lots of kids cope with much younger siblings but believe me it is not easy trying to juggle the needs of a teenager with the needs of much younger children. I’m not saying don’t do it but give it some proper serious thought for your DD’s sake.

Had my first two when I was 19 and 22, fell pregnant with my third at 36, was v unsure about doing it all over again. He’s 18 now, best thing I ever did and he has a very close relationship with his siblings (plus built in babysitters when he was young!)

Do it! I've just had another child at 36 , I have a ten year old , and also my friends daughters are 14 they adore the new baby and want to constantly look after baby like they are big sisters so not a diff sibling relationship for your child! Most abnormalities is detected in early scans etc , if you are thinking about doing it , you will probably regret it if you don't ! Like you said your not particularly looking forward to going and getting your life back either plus most parents struggled first time and life was easier with next child so don't feel guilty babies are a learning curve that gets easier each time x do it 😋

There will be pluses and minuses either way:

Minuses: your 13 year old will still need you - more than ever as, she navigates the teenage years, in some ways. You may feel less available to her being absorbed in the baby stuff.

Teens can go off the rails and you may find yourself with a 15 year old angry goth blaring godawful music from her room and a toddler who needs you. Difficult to juggle.

You won't get your freedom so soon

Sleep, or lack of it.

Pluses:
Can anyone say "built in babysitter"?! if she's an agreeable sort of teen.

You'll have a gorgeous baby!

Your dd will have a sibling.

You won't look back and think "what if i'd had another one?"

You won't have "empty nest syndrome" in your late 30s early 40s.

@dietcokeandwine, my DD is my number one consideration. I actually keep saying to DP "but is it really wise to have a baby in the house at the same time DD will be studying for her GCSE's?". I actually sound like a broken record , so yes, it's a definite concern.

I obviously can't say how she'll be in a couple of years, but she's actually fantastic with babies/toddlers and can be incredibly mature, kind and responsible. Note the word can though. She is something of a Jekyll and Hyde.

One of the reasons I chose the new house was actually because the nursery would be quite far from DDs room, so she shouldn't be disturbed too much. Where we are now wouldn't work at all, as our walls are joining and are apparently made out of cardboard