Having a toddler and a newborn at home

[pegasus02]

I'm expecting my second this summer, and am wondering whether to continue having DD (who will be just over 2) go to nursery 4 days a week, or move her up to 5 days. For context, she's lovely but also a strong-willed and needy little person and a terrible sleeper, so I'm usually knackered after my day off with her each week. Finance is not an issue - it's more feeling guilty about moving her up to 5 days when I'm home.

What have other parents done? In particular, those with high-needs toddlers? I'll need to let the nursery know ASAP if I want to move DD to 5 days, so unfortunately don't have the luxury of waiting and see.

Thanks all.

Move her up to five days! The social time will be VERY good for her, two is a great age for this. And you will be so much more rested and mentally prepared to spend quality time with her when she comes home. Don't feel guilty!

I took mine out. He didn’t enjoy going and I knew I wouldn’t take him if he was crying so it would be wasted money. The time at home was great for him really even if it was extra work for me and I don’t regret it.

Move her up to 5. You can always reduce it after a while if it’s not working out. I don’t see why it wouldn’t though.

Thank you for your perspectives. The only other thing I didn't mention in the OP is that whilst DD used to love going to nursery, she's been a bit emotional at drop-off since Christmas. We think it's to do with spending that prolonged period at home with us, which she obviously enjoyed, and having to go back to a less one-on-one environment. So the thought of waving her off all sad makes me a bit sad, and of course guilty.

Maybe the thing to do is move up to 5 days, and adjust if the new baby is super easy (!) or if DD is just miserable.

@Cookit may I ask how you structured your days with both? Was it centred around the older one, and the younger napped on the go?

My 4 year old is in FT childcare and loves it - its my workplace nursery and he is the Pre school bit. As an autumn born he is now also one of the oldest and taking him out or reducing his hours or disrupting the routine of a little one so settled was not even considered. Concentrating on the newborn and my own healing etc is all I will do over the short mat leave that i will take this time (39 weeks currently!) - and had genuinely not even thought about any other way of doing this till I read your post. Finances not an issue here either, so, no question of disrupting his routine. It's simply what he has known since 7 months old and will be starting school in September so randomly changing things for him now will totally destabilise him and I wouldn't do it for myself either. So in other words obviously depends on your circs, your finances and what you want your mat leave to look like but do not assume you have reason to feel guilty for not suddenly disrupting an older child's routine because you are at home. You are on maternity leave to heal, and to take care of your infant.

I'd do the mixture (well, that's what I did but of course your mileage may vary). 3 days nursery, 2 days home. I felt 2 was still very little and she actually fitted in better with me & baby than me & pregnancy.

She will be growing and maturing all the time and you can take her to stay and plays etc and she'll get less needy.

i actually enjoyed the time with her- baby in sling, you can't do much else anyway, you might as well just lean into it and go full-on parenting!

i suppose unlike the poster above my toddler DD was only used to 3 days away from me - completely agree if the routine is 5days already why disrupt them. I found my DD would have been sad if sent more often if I was home with baby.

I was a SAHM so had both at home full time. Eldest was 2.8 yrs when the second DC arrived. I started him at a pre-school for 2 mornings a week once he turned 3 so he could socialise. The rest of the time we stuck to his schedule of toddler groups etc and DD just fitted in. He had stopped napping at 18 months so I didn't have to work round that.

So she's currently 4 days, and I'm considering moving her up to 5 days. (If she was already 5 days I think I'd feel less bad.)

Maybe the thing to do is move up to 5 days, and adjust if the new baby is super easy (!) or if DD is just miserable.

this sounds like a good way to hedge bets.

And btw we structured the day around older, younger napped on the go - but also got an in-line buggy and tried where possible to aim for double lunchtime napping which (when you, rarely, succeed) makes you feel like KING OF THE WORLD!

Those who had two at home - do/did you have easygoing little ones? Did you find having them both actually had a positive, calming impact on the group dynamic? (I ask, hopefully)

I have a toddler and a new baby at home, she was in for 3 days and I put her down to 2 so we can all spend time together. She’s loving the extra time with me and her sibling but still gets time to socialise with her nursery friends.
If she’s enjoying 4 days I’d keep as is until she’s feeling more secure again, then if you find your baby is hard work go up to 5.
My eldest is very gentle with her sister and loves her very much.
She’s still the same crazy toddler, but she knows there is a time and a place. For instance, we’re currently waiting in for parcels to arrive and are all watching a film under a duvet where she’s cuddling her sister.

DC2 was definitely more easy going than DC1. I'm not sure that 'calm' would have described our time together though.

we had an active life - toddler groups, shopping, visiting friends/family, library, swimming etc. Little one did nap when we were out and about, but as I said DC1 had stopped naps a year earlier.

Personally I'd drop her to three so she can really grow and develop with you. Her needs might become less if she has more of you as nursery can only really meet basic needs

I had a newborn and 3 year old. I'd stick with the current 4 days - bear in mind she's going to be adjusting to there being a new baby in the house taking up a lot of your time, energy and attention, and increasing the time she's away from you isn't likely to help her adjust to that. For what it's worth my DD1 was a high energy high needs terror 😁 and still is but if she's at nursery 4 days, she's getting plenty of stimulation and educational activities there so you can let yourself off the hook on the 5th day and have plenty of chilled out time with CBeebies/ sitting on the floor reading / playing - and take that day completely off from doing any domestic tasks (apart from getting everyone fed obviously - but no big cooking or laundry etc) so she has your full attention. It'll be fun 😬😁

not massively easy going- but yes, having a sibling does tend to make them see they can't kick off quite so much.

i also parented differently when the baby came - i wasn't quite so agonisingly attuned to the needs of DD1 and while I still really preserved our attachment and connection, I felt more able to let her wait for things, be frustrated, build resilience. DS is a much more self propelling child and not as needy as DD right from the start- and for me this was in part because I wasn't helicoptering so much as I had 2.

Hi OP, I have a 6 month old and nearly 3 year old and found that my toddler, though quite easy going generally, really needed my attention and quality 1:1 time. She needed quite a lot of reassurance that her needs hadn't been forgotten with the arrival of the new baby. If you all ready have 4 toddler--free days (let's face it, we all need some!) in the week I'd be tempted to maintain the current routine.

That’s a lot of time in nursery for a two year old. Wouldn’t be my choice at all.

And echoing that second babies often seem a bit easier than the first, no guarantees of course but was the case for me and many others I know.

I wouldn't put her up to 5 days. It might be very hard work having them both that day but it's only one day? She will benefit from the time with you and her sibling.

My DD was 3.5 when DS was born, she was already in nursery 3 days a week which we kept. It felt like a really nice balance, having some time with them both and some time just with the baby. I realise that 3.5 year olds are probably easier than 2 year olds though.

This isn't a dig, but to me it would seem wrong to put a toddler into childcare full time when you are at home. I could understand it if you needed to work. Why have children if you're going to pay for someone else to look after them most of the time?

I'm not saying that looking after a toddler and a newborn is easy. Of course it isn't. But that's being a parent. You will miss out on so much good stuff (as well as some bad stuff) if you send your DD 5 days.

Neither of my DC were particularly 'easy' but we just got on with it. Carried on going to toddler groups, meeting friends, doing housework, etc, just with little one in tow.

DS was 2.5 when DD was born, so at 3 he did start preschool 15 hours per week -- but that was as much for him as me.

You may need some extra help with your toddler for a little while when new baby arrives, but presumably you have a partner who would be around at first?

I have a 2.5 year old and a baby due in a few weeks. My DD goes to nursery 3 days a week. I'm going to continue with the current arrangement as I don't want to disrupt DD any more than what is coming to her!
I second the PP above - your daughter still needs a day at home with mum My and her new baby bro/sis. It will be hard (I'm already dreading how I'm going to manage my two days!) But I think it's important they don't feel shut out from you.
Like PP says, cartoons and drawings, giving the new baby a nice bath where your DD can help. Maybe even having the day to "sort baby's room out" - give your DD the task of putting baby's clothes I. their drawers etc. Makes her feel like she's helping you and you might even get a few chores done in the process.

You can only see how it goes.

I’d do 4 mornings, that’s what I did and perfect.

Broke up day with newborn, nice routine
Get back, lunch, nap if she still naps, some tv and playing, little walk.

Ah no I did two mornings and one full day. Really worked well