Having a toddler and a newborn at home

[pegasus02]

I'm expecting my second this summer, and am wondering whether to continue having DD (who will be just over 2) go to nursery 4 days a week, or move her up to 5 days. For context, she's lovely but also a strong-willed and needy little person and a terrible sleeper, so I'm usually knackered after my day off with her each week. Finance is not an issue - it's more feeling guilty about moving her up to 5 days when I'm home.

What have other parents done? In particular, those with high-needs toddlers? I'll need to let the nursery know ASAP if I want to move DD to 5 days, so unfortunately don't have the luxury of waiting and see.

Thanks all.

Gosh I couldn’t imagine sending a toddler to full time childcare when off on Mat leave. I’d probably drop down to 2 or 3 days but I’m not you. Or shorten the days? They’re quite long at the moment.

@BenScalesIsAGod me neither. Most people do the opposite and drop days/hours not increase them.

I've done the toddler age gap twice over now and it was only my 1st baby that was easy, they e got gradually harder and less sleepy with each one! At the moment I've got a 4 year old who does mornings at school everyday and a 2.5 year old who had just started 1 full and 2 half nursery days. I think it's more than enough time for 2 year old to be away.

When they were a little bit younger I was at soft play twice a week and walking around woodland or parks. This is when I had a newborn and 2 year old right up until this September when youngest started nursery. Yes, some days I was knackered but 🤷🏼‍♀️ that's what it's like

I would look into playgroups for the 5th day (ie keep her at 4 days). That way you get to sit sown, fees, have a drink and DD can play in a safe environment where you don't need to worry about her running off.

Net mums has details of groups in different areas.

I kept DS at nursery for 4 days and felt so bad about it but he was (is) a demanding child. I did do shorter days though, say 9-4, which felt to me a better compromise (private nursery with long days provision).

*Sit down, feed

I don’t think many people have suggested stopping nursery altogether. It would be good for her to keep her routine. OP has asked whether to increase 4 days further which means she will lose the day she normally has with her eldest. Keep it, she will value the time with you.

I have a 2 week old and a 2.5year old. We have kept toddler in nursery 4 days per week and in a thursday I have both of them. It's working for us

I agree that it's important to be well rested and this is invaluable to being mentally well and able to function, but in my opinion the value in this is limited if your DD doesn't actually get the opportunity to enjoy the time with you. I'd rather be a bit groggy but with my children than be well rested but spending huge chunks of time away from one of them, espeally if one of them was only two! Four days is still plenty of time to be just you and your newborn. Remember too that if your baby is unsettled, it's more likely that this will be in the evening i.e the time that you currently think will be set aside during the week for your DD.

Anyway, whatever you decide is best for you and your family congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope that it all works out for you

I would get your DH to continue with drop offs - it's a pain to get out in the morning with a newborn and there's no real reason for you to do it when your DH can. I often went back to bed with the baby ..

Just my personal opinion but no, I wouldn't increase the days for your 2 year old. There's so much change going on in her little life, being with you is best thing for her.

It's different for me as my daughter was an incredibly demanding baby (only now at 7 months she's more contented!) And my son is having assessments for autism. So DS did start nursery just before his sister was born to help with socialisation etc, it's been brilliant for him but he's only there two mornings which is enough for him. My mum actually has my youngest one day a week so I can have one on one time with my son.

Personally no, I couldn't put the eldest in nursery any extra as I think they need the stability of home and parents as well, but obviously everyone is different so you have to do what's right for all of you :)

Don't you like your child?

Jesus wept.

Lots of posters who say keep her at 4 days are suggesting play group for the older one and letting the baby sleep on the go. DD does not particularly enjoy play groups - she gets bored unless I'm right in there playing with her, which will be challenging with a baby. And DD never slept on the go as a baby, so the concern is what if the baby is the same.

I think I'll stick with the plan to reserve 5 but potentially move to 4. I have taken on board posters' comments about the emotional side of things, and will bear this in mind alongside what's best for the family, rather than any individual member, when making a decision in the summer.

Whoa @Tootyfilou take that judgment elsewhere and off my thread please. I asked earlier for friendly, supportive posts and yours is just horrible and unnecessary.

I wouldn't assume it will be the same when the baby is here - I would have said exactly the same about my son before the baby arrived but a) he now happily plays more independently at playgroup than he used to and b) for a while, the baby was just fine in the sling and I could still do lots of playing with my toddler anyway.

I think it's been really good for us having a day where I look after both of them and it's really made my toddler more independent and better at following instructions etc.

When you return to work, do you plan to continue on 4 days a week?

Hi @Settlersofcatan that's true re changing. If all goes well, I plan take 9-12 months off for the baby, and go back 4 days a week.

I see what you mean Thoughtless in that maternity leave is to look after the new baby, and I've done this three times now so I do know how important it is to bond with the new one. However, this new baby doesn't exist in a vacuum. I have broadly kept my nursery provision the same as it was when I was working, to avoid disruption and also because, well, I don't want to lose the nursery places. But my older children aren't stupid and whilst they were fine with this when I was going to work, they do feel a bit put out now that they know I am staying at home with the baby. And these are children who like nursery!

I'm not having a dig at you OP but you seem quite stressed by the idea of looking after your two children at the same time. I get it, I've got three under five and it's the hardest job I've ever had, but I did choose to be in this situation and I do think you need to try and adjust your mindset to see that having them both together might be nice for all of you, rather than worrying about the more stressful parts. Yes, you need to bond with the new baby, but your existing child does too and in my experience, the more time they spend being included in things together, the better this works and the less displaced they feel.

Most of all we need to be open to the idea that people - families and women - have their very own ways of running their households and their relationships. Hence There is absolutely zero chance that my spouse and I will pull our son out of his established pre school FT routine, months before he begins school to keep him at home. And that is a valid, and fine choice. The OP asked about a move from 4 to 5 days and instead received random views on whether she likes her child or not, and how shocking it is that her child is even in childcare four days at all.

My toddler is high-needs and boisterous, she was a reflux baby and has always been very clingy and needy ever since.
She’s full of beans and climbs the walls stuck in all day with nothing to do, so we need constant activities and even when we’re having a ‘quiet’ day with a film she needs other things to do too such as books, painting, play-doh, paper maché, kinetic sand etc.
Your baby isn’t here yet, and no two are the exact same.
I had PND with my first, and with my second I’ve found I’m fine and though she’s another reflux baby I can handle her better.

If you want her to be out of your hair for an extra day go for it, you have the money and it may be easier for you, but I personally think it’s a shame to miss out on that one day just the three of you together.

Thank you @Thoughtlessinengland for being thoughtful contrary to username

Whilst the majority of posters have been helpful, even when providing an alternative view, some have been a bit judgmental and offering thoughts on something not asked for, as you say. All family circumstances are different and I can't expect posters to know mine well based on what little info I've given. I'm grateful for the advice given - a lot to think about!

I had my dd1 home when I had dd2, I was a sahm. Dd1 has asd and was very high needs. It was ok, tiring but ok (no family, h worked long hours)

I have 2 at home with me. I’m a sahm so ds1 never went to nursery before ds2 was born. It has been fine. Ds2 has just fit in around our usual routine and now he is older (13 months) it is a lot easier. The hardest thing for me was lack of sleep at first and the inability to rest in the day when the baby was asleep as I had a toddler to entertain but that soon passed and within a couple of months I’d got the baby to nap at the same time as the toddler so every day I would have at least an hour to myself in the day which really helped.

I had mine close together so when I was on mat leave with the 2nd and 3rd I got to spend more time with the 1st and 2nd. Having a baby and toddler at home was fabulous. I miss it so much. I didn't use any childcare, so I would say no days, but if the choice is 4 or 5, I guess 4.

I was and still am a SAHM but I do have a medical condition that causes fatigue understatement

Ds1 was in nursery 1 day a week for socialising without me and other children to play with. When I was heavily pregnant with Ds2 we upped him to 2 days a week. He was 2 yr 11 months old when Ds2 was born.

But he was a very chilled, laid back child who was happy to potter at his play kitchen and didn't need me to be his dancing monkey for entertainment. When Ds2 was 4 months old Ds1 started pre-school for 5 mornings a week.

Ds2 was and still is a tornado (now almost 14 years old) and went to playgroup 2 mornings a week from aged 2 because he needed it and so did I

We all, no doubt, had one on one time with our first born child, why is it so difficult to want that with the second? It doesn't mean you don't love your child, what a ridiculous thing to say. It means you are more likely to keep your sanity. Just because some Mums had triplets, then twins within a year, wrote a book and studied for their masters whilst on maternity leave does not mean everyone has to do the same.

Reserve the extra day. If you need it use it, if not don't worry.

@JeffreysWorkTrousers thank you for that really lovely post

I have a nearly 1 year old and a nearly 3 year old and it's only just getting easier. We couldn't afford nursery for my first during maternity leave and I think we all would have benefited from it. My eldest would play with other children all day every day if it was up to them and I would have appreciated more time attending little baby groups and snuggling my baby on the sofa instead of wrangling a newborn and a tantrumy toddler into town. We got through it but would have been easier on everyone with a bit more childcare included. Don't feel bad if you go for it, my friends with more help are less exhausted looking than me right now!