Having a toddler and a newborn at home

[pegasus02]

I'm expecting my second this summer, and am wondering whether to continue having DD (who will be just over 2) go to nursery 4 days a week, or move her up to 5 days. For context, she's lovely but also a strong-willed and needy little person and a terrible sleeper, so I'm usually knackered after my day off with her each week. Finance is not an issue - it's more feeling guilty about moving her up to 5 days when I'm home.

What have other parents done? In particular, those with high-needs toddlers? I'll need to let the nursery know ASAP if I want to move DD to 5 days, so unfortunately don't have the luxury of waiting and see.

Thanks all.

Thanks for everyone's continued input.

To those who are suggesting relaxed days at home pottering and watching TV... sigh, I wish. DD does not go for this at all. Our weekly day off at the moment comprises going to a museum or farm or similar, lots of active playing and engaging, constant entertainment. The minute we come home, cue disgruntled toddler. I imagined lots of mooching on the sofa before having her - not so, sadly!

So I imagine I'll (have to) continue with the high energy activities, which explains part of my hesitance.

@Changeembrace oh I like that idea, a half day. Not quite what you said, but I could do 4 full days as now, plus a half day...

If I had the option, I'd do 5 days. I love DS, but with PND and him being so so needy, I find that I'm struggling. He starts nursery in an hour, and I honestly can't wait. DD will probably flourish too, not having DS around as much

@OneTooManyBathtimes thank you for your honesty. I struggled at times with PND following DD too, despite a very supportive husband.

And posters, please no judgmental posts about it being wrong to have a child and not spend time with them. It's ok to have a different view, but let's all be supportive of one another's choices and offer friendly advice and views.

A 20 month old needs loads of active involvement. A nearly 3 year old can sit and colour, play Lego or farms or with soft toys, watch the whole of Frozen, whatever. Your nearly-2-year old will change! Plus when you physically can't get up to help them or play with them you'll think of other solutions.

Yes you will be out at soft play and doing feeding and with loads of bags and nappies when you are tired but its really not that bad.

I think unless your older toddler has SEN or other needs, they need to be with you and sibling for more time than not - 4 days away probably just about do-able, 5 days away too much.

cross posted with you - not being judgy just ime the toddler is better behaved if able to spend more time with you. I do get it about the PND x

DD was at nursery 3 days (as I worked 3 days) and I kept it the same. On balance, I chose to keep it the same as:

1. Worried that she would have resented more days and felt replaced by the baby.
2. We could afford it - many of my friends had to reduce it due to financial constraints.
3. Knew that our days together wouldn't be as fun for her as they would have been as baby would restrict what we could do.
4. My experience with DD as a baby meant I assumed DS wouldn't nap much so wouldn't get the chance to rest whether or not she was at home. If you have a baby that does sleep during the day then not having a toddler at home could help save your sanity by allowing you to sleep then too (or catch up on other things).

However, when I was working she pretty much did 8-6 at the nursery whereas when I was on maternity leave she did more like 10-4. Meant I felt less guilty about her going but also meant less stress in the mornings and could just take her in when we were ready. However, I know some nurseries have strict rule about when you can drop them off or pick them up so wouldn't work for everyone. And if money had been an issue then would have felt we were wasting it by not using it all. If finances not an issue, I'd recommend you book her in for the 5 days but aim to use no more than the hours you would have done normally, either through only using 4 a week but varying it depending on your state of mind or through doing 5 shorter days.

Send her to nursery

I would stick with 4 days. I have a similar pre schooler and have a day a week on my own with him and the baby and it is full on but...I found he is better at playing on his own when there is no other option and I want to be able to have both kids on my own.

Generally we go to play groups and the baby naps on the go in the sling

I'd stick with what you have. Getting out the house with a newborn and the toddler is the challenge.

That's true that DD could well change a lot over the coming months, and be more independent and less reliant on me for entertainment.

Aside: what did poster janerobinson say that was so offensive it got deleted? I can't remember reading anything awful and am now really curious. It wasn't even the judgmental post about why have children only to send them to nursery!

If you do it then do it now or a while after the baby is born, otherwise she'll feel pushed out by the baby.
There's nothing wrong in her doing 5 days of course, do what works for you. But do you not want a day with both children so they can bond and play together?

@keepingbees that's a good point re timing. And of course time together is important, but we do have the weekends

She posted a link to her school project survey and I reported it as it’s not allowed to do so on regular boards

If she’s seeming upset about going to nursery now then I wouldn’t up the days. She’s probably feeling a bit insecure about baby coming and needs to spend more time with you.

I’m not judging, childcare can be a great thing. I would just adjust to your child’s needs and emotions, as sometimes less time with parents can make things worse.

What hours are the nursery?

I had a 25m gap - big one was used to 3x long days at nursery and we cut to 1 to save money. I think 1 long day and 1 or 2 mornings would have been ideal but couldn’t justify it (wanted a longer maternity leave to spend more time with both). We needed to keep the long day to ensure she went back up to 3 days ok.
It was hard a times (potty training + severe reflux is hard on both sanity and washing machine!). But you just go with the flow more. 2nd child more chilled coz they had to be - slept on the go more. Did return home for attempted double lunchtime nap (so I could rest/do something). But baby preferred to be out the house too from about 4m and would grizzle at home. He would also be so much more clingy and whiny when she was at nursery - hardest day each week!

In your position I would keep 4 days - mum guilt will kick in that she’s not getting enough attention and you’ll want to have a day centred around her. Once a week isn’t going to seem too much or disturb baby too much either.

I personally would stick to 4. She still gets the time to socialise and do things she wouldn't at home but she also gets to spend a day with you and baby at home and doesn't have a change in routine in regards to home/nursery life. I'd just be worried about how she might feel about the new baby coming and suddenly she's in nursery every day. It depends on the child really

I can't imagine sending such a little one to nursery 5 days a week if I was at home with his/her brother/sister all day every day. Having said that I've never been in your position so I'm not speaking from experience

I would counter that it's very valuable to a two year old to have a good amount of settled time at daycare/nursery. They learn from other kids things that they'll not pick up from adults, they learn to socialise and how to play nicely together, they learn better how to share, and follow the example of kids a year or two older.

And what is even more valuable than that is having a mum who has rested as much as possible home with her newborn in order to have the energy to engage with her older child when she gets home. Having a newborn is no joke, my second child was an absolute no sleep soldier nightmare.I would not have coped if my older child had been home needing my attention and care at the same time.

I've got three kids at home and am on mat leave after having the youngest. The eldest does nursery 2.5 days a week and I would increase it if I could, he tends to be a bit bored on his days off because his younger siblings demand so much of my attention. The middle one goes to nursery one day a week and I'd up this too, not to full time as he's only 2 but another day.

We can't afford any of this, so we are stuck with what we've got. The only thing in your case is that five days a week is a LOT. Our nursery days are 8-6 though, so it's longer than school even, and yours might be shorter.

I did exactly what I was doing before and would do when I went back to work and it worked really well. I wouldn’t make a change personally. It is quite nice for the children to have a bit of time together (although it is hard) but I didn’t regret continuing nursery for one second. My 3 year old would have been bored out of her mind if she’d been at home with me and away from her friends.

To answer a poster's question on nursery times, we are currently on 8.30-5.30, and my husband does drop-off and I do pick-up. I think I'll be doing both once on maternity leave. DD wakes up around 6am and goes to bed at 7pm, so we will have 4 hours together daily even on the days she goes to nursery.

What I might do then is reserve 5 days with the nursery, but if circumstances change before the baby comes - if DD becomes more relaxed and a better sleeper, or conversely if DD becomes more emotional - I'll stick to 4 days.

I completely agree with those posters who say DD needs that time with me, and of course I don't want her to feel displaced, but equally a poster made a really good point about a rested mother being more valuable. I will have to take account of my own mental heath, as well as looking out for the needs of my children.

The people saying 5 days is a LOT And that they’d feel too guilty are potentially not speaking from positions where they already have kids not in FT childcare and have lives/careers organised that way. For us for instance DS has been in FT childcare 5 days a week from 7 months old and is now a ripe old 4.5 years old and to suddenly change his FT care down randomly makes zero sense. The OP is about 4 days or 5 days not about the values and merits of what’s too long too short and whether at all they should be in childcare during maternity leave.

And OP - please don’ter such responses unsettle you. Your maternity Leave is to look after yourself and the newborn you have created. If then needs must yes older child will have to be pulled out of things - but if not - older child’s established routine has nothing at all to do with your Maternity leave with newborn. Finances permitting - let things be as normal as they are for everyone whilst you heal, and look after the infant in whose name you’ve got this maternity leave in the first place. Different question if it can’t be afforded.