42 offered great new job but that will mean no more children.. wwyd?

[dilemmallama]

I'm 42 I have been in a job I don't much like for a long time as I've not wanted to move on as we wanted another child. It didn't happen.. until last year when it did but I miscarried at 8 weeks. It's taken a while to build up to try again and we have just started trying again .. didn't happen this month but I'm still hopeful. In the meantime I've been offered a new job which sounds perfect .. I really want to take it but I can't if I'm still ttc. But if I stop that's it... no more kids. Tbh .. even if we keep trying it may well not happen anyway or go wrong again if it does because of my age.I just can't take a new job and get pregnant though.. so I will have to stop and forget about more kids if I take it

Such a dilemma!

You know, the reason women are protected in law from being fired in this situation is so that we DO NOT HAVE TO make a choice between ttc and taking a job just as men don’t have to make that choice. I know it’s a pain for some employers some times, but that’s better than women being constantly penalised for being female.

Take the job, keep ttc. And the best of luck.

I’m starting a new job soon and have just hit the top of the ivf waiting list after 3 years TTC. This means I’ll be starting ivf at the same time as starting a job. I’m not thrilled about the timing but I’m not going to put the ivf on hold (older you get lower the chances of success) or not take an opportunity that’s right for me. It might not work anyway and if I didn’t take the new job I’d be stuck in the old one without a child.

Life doesn’t align perfectly, you have to do what’s right for you. And I say that as a manager.

I did pretty much exactly this (including the miscarriage while still in old role except it was 12 weeks).

I took the new job. took a 2 month break from ttc so that I wouldn't actually arrive in the new job already pg, and figured that the sooner I got pg the shorter ML I would take. However, it never happened and after a few years we stopped ttc. I am still very happy in the new job and would have been utterly miserable if I had stayed in the old job 'just in case' for something that never happened.

i think I decided that if I had got pg in three first 3 months I would have only taken 6 months ML, and if 4-6 months then 9 months. any later than that and i would have been long enough in-post that I wouldn't feel it was any different from any other Mat Leave situation. all businesses benefit from the existence of the next generation sooner or later.

Another one saying take the job and ttc!

You're 42, you can't put your life on hold in the hope of another baby when you've already been TTC for a few years.

Take the job
Do not tell them you are TTC
Continue TTC
If you get pregnant fantastic, unless they are complete bastards they will be delighted, if you don't you've got a great job to enjoy.

Unless your job is dealing with high levels or radiation or something else that would harm a fetus, you absolutely can do both

I realise this statement comes from ignorance but I just want to refute it. I work in pharmaceuticals, we do handle teratogens at times. Our safety dept is very much of the opinion that we need to engineer out the risk, we don't want to put women of childbearing age in the position of having to decide if they want to handle a teratogen or not. Any job where there is a risk that is unavoidable then everyone will understand if you announce a pregnancy early to avoid that work (e.g. pregnant vets handling sheep).

You certainly can the job and TTC. My experience though was that increased stress in my 40s wasn't good re miscarriages so look after yourself x

Take the job! Getting pregnant isn't a certainty and think about how this job will improve your life and your child that you do have. How would you feel in a few months time, you turn down the job and you still don't get pregnant?

Definitely take the job and continue to TTC. You can't put your life on hold because of TTC which may or may not happen. And you can't give up TTC just because of a job. When I went back to work after my first mat leave I was 5 months pregnant. Yes I felt bad that I was only back for a few months and then off on mat leave again, but employers have to deal with maternity leave and there's always someone else who can do your job, I don't believe anyone is irreplaceable.

Anyway, the company ended up going into administration just before I went on my second mat leave, I lost my job and had to claim SMP from the government. Just goes to show that you never know what's around the corner. Take the job if it's what you want, but don't let that affect you trying for another child if that's what you want to do.

I’d take the job - however at 42 and with a big gap and one dc anyway I’d not carry on trying for another.

But.... that is just my opinion. I wouldn’t try for another at 42 regardless of the job.

I sympathise, OP. I’d look at the Worst Possible Scenario.

If you take the new job and get pregnant, what’s the WPS? Things could be a bit difficult and embarrassing in the short term. In the long term, you’d cope with job plus baby the same way you’ve been planning to in your present job. WPS would be getting so stressed that you risked miscarrying. So make plans for dealing with stress.

If you keep the present job, Best PS is that the joy of a new baby outweighs the boredom of the job. Worst PS is you’re stuck with no baby and a boring job. Eventually you give up ttc and look for a new job. DD will be older but so will you, and good jobs may be harder to find.

I’d go for the new job, as long as it’s not excessively stressful - but it probably isn’t or you wouldn’t be so keen on it now.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

F**k that! Take the job and if you get pregnant, you get pregnant. You won’t be the first person ever to announce a pregnancy early in to a role and certainly not the last. Imagine looking back in 40 years, you’d be annoyed with yourself that you didn’t at least try to have both. Congratulations on the job by the way!

Take the job and see what happens. Don't overthink things.

Another vote for doing both.

I agree that it’s not ideal to announce a pregnancy shortly after starting a new job, but you can’t keep putting your life on hold with TTC.
What if you stayed in your current job and you still didn’t get pregnant?
What if you took the new job, quit TTC, and then the new job didn’t work out for whatever reason?

So I’d take the new job and continue TTC. But without telling them about the TTC if possible.

Also, as a pp’s said, if you did get pregnant, then they may well assume it’s unplanned, given your age and the age gap between your DC and any future baby.

Personally I'd take the job. For me a 7.5 year age gap and another child at 42 wouldn't make me want another DC.

Tell them that you would love to accept the job, you think it is a wonderful opportunity and then let them know that you are ttc

Why on earth would anyone tell their employer they are ttc? If op does get pregnant then she can tell her employer when she's a few months gone, and they just deal with it then the same way millions of employers do. Nobody needs to be forewarned that an employee is ttc.

@dilemmallama I'd take the job and see how it goes ttc. You don't have to feel awful if you get pregnant. They cannot sack you for it. If the job is much more demanding, or includes a lot of travel, being pregnant may well make things more difficult. So that might be a deciding factor for you. But at the end of the day if they really want you for the job they will manage things if and when you have another baby.

I’d take the job too but would stop TTC as being pregnant in a new job wouldn’t go down well I’d imagine and I’d feel awful doing it.

At 42 I wouldn’t want too anyway as the risks are much higher due to egg quality etc and retirement age would align with the teen years and that’s too old for me. The big age gap between children would also be a no as the older one wouldn’t have any activities etc in common with the younger one.

Definitely take the job and carry on ttc if that’s what you want. I got pregnant 6 months into starting a new job. Was no big deal, though I was 37 at the time. I came back after mat leave to start a new role with a big salary increase and it’s all worked perfectly.

Another vote for taking the job and still TTC if that's what you want. I wouldn't tell them though. Not to be dishonest, but it's private, and none of their business.

Take the job and continue TTC. It's now well recognised that women are disadvantaged in the workplace and should not be discriminated against because of likely need for maternity leave. Three women in my workplace have in recent years announced pregnancy within three weeks of starting jobs with us and everyone has been supportive. You cannot disadvantage yourself this way! Employers have to cost this in. It's a cost that helps men and women and society, so don't think of it as taking an advantage.

Thanks for replies

Current job is really stressful anyway new job will prob be as stressful

Current job may have prospect of getting to the top in time
New job possibly get there a bit quicker if impress

Probably less travel in new job

I'm 42 and ttc. I have a 5 year old. I had planned to try sooner but I had to move jobs. I was planning to try once settled in the job. But the job was a nightmare and I had to move jobs again. I was planning to try pretty quickly once in new job. But after arriving there were plans for a restructure so I just couldn't risk it as I'm the main money earner in my family. I was too worried about having to find a new job whilst pregnant. So I decided to wait until I'd passed my probation. There's still a lot of uncertainty at work but I decided to take the risk. I'd still only get smp even though I've passed my probation.

So in summary, if you can afford to have a baby with basic mat pay, I'd say go for it.

Why on earth would you stop TTC?
And why on earth would someone suggest telling your employers that you are TTC?
"Hi boss me and my husband are having sex without contraception currently, just FYI"

I don’t want to be a downer, and plenty of people do get pregnant in their 40s, but realistically the chances of a healthy, full-term pregnancy are much, much lower. I say this as someone who took many years and multiple miscarriages and a stillbirth before my dc was born - and the only issue was age-related poor egg quality (I was 35 when I started trying). How much does another pregnancy mean to you? Because it could feel really shit to be coming to terms with the end of your fertility, having also passed up the opportunity of an exciting job. If you take the exciting job & do get pregnant, you’ll find a way to manage. If you don’t get pregnant, you’ll have plenty to occupy your mind & throw yourself into.

Do both!

Take the job and carry on TTC, I think you have to otherwise you will always have regrets with either decision.

I became pregnant within 3 months of taking a job, they were still supportive, I went back after maternity leave and stayed for 12 years!