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Original poster

42 offered great new job but that will mean no more children.. wwyd?

83 replies

dilemmallama · 18/01/2020 23:58

I'm 42 I have been in a job I don't much like for a long time as I've not wanted to move on as we wanted another child. It didn't happen.. until last year when it did but I miscarried at 8 weeks. It's taken a while to build up to try again and we have just started trying again .. didn't happen this month but I'm still hopeful. In the meantime I've been offered a new job which sounds perfect .. I really want to take it but I can't if I'm still ttc. But if I stop that's it... no more kids. Tbh .. even if we keep trying it may well not happen anyway or go wrong again if it does because of my age.I just can't take a new job and get pregnant though.. so I will have to stop and forget about more kids if I take it

Such a dilemma!

OP posts:

Figgygal · 19/01/2020 07:53

Take the job

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/01/2020 07:55

Do both- life has taught me there’s rarely any thanks for “doing the right thing” with your job. If you get pregnant in your new role I’m sure they will cope.

QueenOfTheFae · 19/01/2020 07:57

Both, dont tell them until you need to

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Lardlizard · 19/01/2020 07:58

Do both good luck op

GemmeFatale · 19/01/2020 08:02

Do both. So what if you get pregnant once you’re in the role. You could get hit by a bus on your second day in the job.

BikeRunSki · 19/01/2020 08:06

if I turn the job down now I don't think it will come along again and then if I don't have another child either anyway I'll be gutted for wasting the opportunity

Take the job!!!

CmdrCressidaDuck · 19/01/2020 08:06

You'd really just... Not have a wanted child rather than tell work you've got pregnant? You do realise that's bonkers, right? Do you often do excessively self-sacrificing things like this?

Take the job. If you get pregnant things will work out.

Ilovewillow · 19/01/2020 08:08

Take the job, enjoy your child and don't rule out another child. I say this as a parent of two children with a 5 yr gap, the second of which I had at 41. Both of mine are IVF children and my job was all that kept me sane at times. I also say it as an employer of 10 people. We've had all sorts of employees over the years who had extended periods off for all sorts maternity, illness, compassionate reasons some planned some not and we have managed and the majority of staff we have had have paid back our support for them in loyalty and hard work. Don't put your life on hold.

AJPTaylor · 19/01/2020 08:09

Take the job!

plantmum · 19/01/2020 08:10

I'd been ttc for a while. Decided to stop trying so hard as it was disappointing and focus on doing something for myself, so I applied for a new job (I'd hated mine for ages).
Found out two days after accepting the job I was pregnant. I felt really torn about whether to tell them and decline the job (because I was second guessing their reaction to 'accidentally' hiring a pregnant woman or that I 'deviously' tricked them into hiring me?).
After much turmoil I realised I have rights as a person and a woman and went ahead and started the job. I'm so glad I did because it's immediately obvious it's the right job for me.
I have lovely managers and though I haven't told them yet I don't expect it to be a problem. I'll still have worked there for over seven months before mat leave. I'll tell them this week after my 12 week scan, all being well.
We can't always know how things are going to go in life!
You might not get the job, or it could take another year to conceive. If you leave one or the other you may regret it for a long time.
Don't put your hopes and dreams on hold because of what someone might think of you, this is your life. Men would never have to think twice about this, they could have their job and their baby. You deserve that too!

Fatted · 19/01/2020 08:16

TAKE THE JOB!!

Also keep TTC. My old manager did this. She got pregnant after about six weeks of getting the job. She managed to hide it until 25 weeks until she legally had to tell them. But it was public sector, so not a lot they could anyway.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 19/01/2020 08:17

Take the job. You can’t stay in a role that you don’t like because you might get pregnant.
A more enjoyable working life might be just what’s needed to kickstart things.
Women are protected by law for maternity related things for good reason - it’s not an exact science and perfectly planable.
Good luck op.

flowery · 19/01/2020 08:19

”I just don't think I could take a job and the announce I was pregnant within the first 6 months .. I would feel awful.”

Good lord. You’d really base big important life decisions like whether to have a baby on possible irritation to an employer??

No no no. When any employer has to make big decisions, they won’t base those on whether an employee might be annoyed.

TreacherousPissFlap · 19/01/2020 08:21

If it eases your conscience you could take the job and delay TTC for 6 months? Ideally at 42 you don't really want to be delaying but I'm of the mind that if it happens, it happens.

And FWIW I was in your situation (job wise, not TTC!) I took the new job and have never been happier. My job has impacted on so many other areas of my life since

FinallyGotAnIPhone · 19/01/2020 08:21

I certainly wouldn’t be worrying about falling pregnant and telling a new employer. The major factor for me in that situation though would be my current employer has a great maternity package and I’ve been there for years, but if I got pregnant soon after joining a new employer I wouldn’t be eligible for any enhanced maternity package.

MrsSlocombesPussy · 19/01/2020 08:22

And definitely don't tell them you are ttc ! By law they are not allowed to ask so definitely don't volunteer that information.

hoorayforharoldlloyd · 19/01/2020 08:24

TAKE THE JOB!!!!!!

Sorry to shout and for overuse of exclamation marks but i really want to get your attention.

Taking this job will not jinx any remaining chance of having a baby.

Keep ttc but keep your life moving - otherwise you will have even more to deal with if it never happens.

If you do end up pregnant, then that's just one of those things.

The weight of the uk economy does not sit on the shoulders of women. Do not ingest guilt that isn't yours.

I hope you enjoy the job and if you do have another child, that it goes well. If you don't, i hope you enjoy your family, job and your 40s. (from another early 40s woman making decisions)

AloneLonelyLoner · 19/01/2020 08:25

Do do do take the job. And ttc. It would be awful to cut short either thing that you want to do 'just because'. Life is short. Do it!

Normandy144 · 19/01/2020 08:26

Take the job and continue to TTC. Honestly think about what you are saying. Let's say you take the job and then don't try for another baby, are you honestly going to think in 10 years time that you are so glad you didn't put your employer through any hardship or are you going to look back with regret that you didn't try.

3luckystars · 19/01/2020 08:29

Take the job.

You have to.

Do both. You have 25 more years working in front of you to make up for missing 1 year at the beginning of your career if that's how you feel!

Good luck.

Clickncollect · 19/01/2020 08:35

Imagine if you take the job and in two years they make you redundant. The company will do what suits them and you should do what suits you.

FWIW, I moved jobs internally and stopped trying for a while then a couple of ladies in the team got pregnant. And I knew I had fertility issues and was on the IVF waiting list aged around 37! Absolutely idiotic decision on my part because I didn’t want it to look bad that I’d just joined the team, even though I’d been at the company for 5 years so had built up goodwill!
I then had my IVF which didn’t work, got made redundant..... I went to do a temp to perm role at another company and was pregnant through IVF three weeks after joining. I told them a couple of months later and then left just before giving birth. My son is now 3.5 years old.

Good luck OP, in years to come you may not even know these people that you’re worried about looking bad to but yet you may have an extra child for the rest of your life.

Chewbecca · 19/01/2020 08:37

With everyone else, do both and what will be will be.

Wineiscooling · 19/01/2020 08:41

I started fertility treatment just after starting a new job. I was of the opinion that it may not work so if I didn't get pregnant I would regret not taking the opportunities the new job gave me. I got pregnant 3 months after starting and was mortified telling them especially as it was a new role that everyone was so excited about and I was supposedly going to develop new things in the post. However, everyone was really good and understanding about it. I went on mat leave just under a year after starting and was back 6 months later. My job was still there. I would take the job

Mamato2gorgeousboys · 19/01/2020 08:42

I definitely understand your dilemma. Whilst people are saying you can get pregnant when you start a new job, if you plan on being there for a while and want to be viewed well, get promotions etc. then it’s probably not a great idea. I know people will say “they can’t do that” but they’ll always find a reason to justify their decision or even just do it subconsciously.

Another option could be stopping ttc for say 4-6 months and then trying again as once you announce it, you would have been there for a while and you’ll be working throughout your pregnancy.

If it came down to it though, I would most definitely pick another dc over a job.

Good luck

Northernsoullover · 19/01/2020 08:43

Take the job but don't tell them you are TTC. Only because as you said it might not happen or it might take a while. If you become pregnant it can be broached then but not before.
Also not all employers are kind and understanding. Remember you will be on probation. Tell them you are TTC and it might skew their view.
If you actually become pregnant its likely you will have proved yourself a valuable asset.

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