Telling a child who isn't yours to put a coat on

[blardyfeck]

Ok so I've a history of anxiety & I dwell on things a lot.
I was picking up ds7 today & one of his friends ran towards our group of mums standing together. It was raining. The friend was wearing his polo shirt & carrying his bag & coat.
I said hi to him & then said "gosh you should really put your coat on, it's raining" and started to help him by taking his bag to hold for him. His dad (who I know fairly well) then arrived & I said "hi I was just getting him to put his coat on" and his dad said "he doesn't have to put his coat on if he doesn't want to". Then they walked off.
I now feel sick with worry that I've pissed off the dad by doing something that I would be totally ok with if another parent did with my ds.
Am I a twat for trying to get another persons child to put on a coat in the rain?
Am I a twat for worrying that I've pissed off the dad who will then tell the mum who'll also be pissed off with me?
Am I over-thinking this? (probably)

Some people ( Footiefan in particular but also all those insisting someone has to be "a twat" and as it isn't OP it must be the dad) are blowing this tiny non event completely out of proportion.

This tiny interaction worried the OP because she has anxiety. This is understandable in light of her own personal mental health. It's important for the OP to realise that objectively the interaction is not significant, and only her anxiety is making it seem so.

It is not at all appropriate to label the other party a twat and imply that his child is going to grow up disfunctional and unable to accept authority or that the dad and child should be avoided at all costs because they are dreadful human beings. FFS.

That reaction is even more disproportionate and inappropriate than the OP's anxiety driven response!

Nobody is a twat in this scenario. The dad's response may well have been completely appropriate under the circumstances because nobody reading knows whether there's a back story (sensory issues, anxiety on the part of father or son - just because one party in the interaction has mental health issues doesn't mean nobody else involved is neurodiverse or dealing with similar issues - they very likely do have any issuesn't, but as we're all rightly understanding the OP's issue why not keep an open mind). After all the father's primary responsibility is to his child, for whom the coat issue might be a big deal, or for whom learning to say no might be a big deal - some children are overly eager to please despite being very uncomfortable and this is sometimes even more of a problem than being deviant.

Whatever was going in nobody on this thread knows and the reality is that the mentally healthy way to respond to the interaction is by filing it under "very trivial, brief interaction requiring no further thought" and carry on.

Worrying yourself sick is an inappropriate response caused by anxiety, but the aggressive determination to label the dad and other child as twat and brat and write them off as people to avoid at all costs is even more mentally unhealthy! Labelling anyone you have a slightly unsatisfactory interaction with as (effectively) an enemy or terrible human being is not the way to retain calm and mentally balanced!

Sorry the word "don't" somehow got split in half in my post above! Half of it is before "have any issues" and half after!

And deviant should be defiant!

But all this hand wringing ‘my child never feels cold

No hand wringing. There is just one particular mother who decided to put a message to me on a year Facebook page about how I should be making my child wear a coat as he is always 'blue with cold'. No he isn't, none of her business. If anything, her high handed attitude made me even less likely to enforce a coat. My children now know when they are cold and put coats on, probably because they have had the autonomy to make their own decision since aged about 4.

It was raining in the first post. There is a difference between getting wet and being cold than just being cold.

OP the dad probably had a bad day and probably has had to deal with his son not bothering to wear his coat in many different weather conditions.

Excellent post mydark

longdark - sorry!

Exactly thelongdark the dad merely said it’s ok he doesn’t have to wear it. One simple statement in response and went about his day.

The OP anxiety is driving this completely it was an non event probably the other parties thought nothing of

DS just doesn’t like or need to wear a coat unless the weather is extreme would find being asked by another parent uncomfortable. When the weather is bad (storm this week) he will wear it but not for drizzle. He knows his own body temperature and frankly when he did wear that and his jumper he would come out looking ill.

Footiefan skiing is an odd example I have often skied without my coat when the weather is nice

Dd never wears a coat voluntarily regardless of how cold it is. I think it’s more your perception of his comment than anything he meant and uour anxiety means that you play it again and again and each time it sounds more terse. I would probably just have said something similar to the dad and not meant it any way other than I’ve told her a million times so it’s up to her kind of way.

I very much doubt, in the kindest way, that the dad actually gave you a thought once he walked away and is definitely not worrying about you or your comment especially if you know them. You are over thinking it and turning it into a big deal but only for yourself it’s forgotten history to everyone else.

Dad was being a twat. I've done it before when it was -12 C and the kid was carrying his coat slung over his shoulder. And I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

The Dad was a twat, most adults would’ve thanked you for it.

Why though he merely said its fine he doesnt need one. I know mine would have felt (and others have said the same) awkward about a parent telling them to do something they knew they didnt want and also their parent has told them its ok not to want.

And -12C is dfifferent from UK weather.

The Dad didnt get angry/aggressive he merely said its fine for his son to leave (he made a parenting decision) it off.

But he didn’t say it’s fine to leave it off, he said “he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to” - which sounds a lot more aggressive and has a clear undertone of “mind your own business”.

Kids are dumb about coats. I still take the view that at 8 years old it's up to them if they'd rather be cold and wet than wear a coat, and i only insist they take it so they have it if they change their mind.

You can see by the responses on this thread that some people think "allowing" your child to decide not to wear a coat in the rain is neglect and bringing up some kind of anti authoritarian criminal. So i guess you can understand how a comment may have felt like a criticism. But i would be mildly irritated at most, and would have forgotten about it in the time it took for my dd to take her coat off!

Why couldn’t the dad have said ‘oh it’s ok, he wouldn’t wear a coat even if it was snowing !’ And you both had a wee laugh about it, it would be absolutely fine wouldn’t it. Who cares if the kid actually wears the coat or not.

What he said was precious and passive aggressive

Do you know this child well? I might jokingly say to one of my dcs friends where's your coat? And I did force my own ds into his coast yesterday after football as it was hailing and gale force winds. But generally my kids are hit after school and cant bear to wear their coats. They ask for them when they've cooled down a bit and I wouldn't thank you for trying to get my DC to put one on.

@thelongdarkteatimeofthesoul wow you’ve singlehandedly solved the problem and anxiety, all OP has to do is stay calm !!! Wow !

You’re overthinking but I don’t know why you would say to the dad you were trying to get him to put his coat on. Who cares?

I would definitely say what you did to the child I just don’t know why you then repeated it to the dad. I would have been similarly perplexed if it were me. However I wouldn’t haven’t given it a second thought.

Footiefan your solution appears to be deciding anyone who doesn't respond exactly as you'd like them to is an ineffective parent bringing up precocious brats, and to sneer with at anyone who makes points you disagree with for "hand wringing". Deciding that any view that differs from yours is "mind boggling" and anyone who doesn't behave as you wish them to is "exhausting" and inferior isn't going to help anyone survive minor social interactions any better than the op does, is it? It's a recipe for isolating yourself angrily from everyone else, because everyone else is unforgivably awful, apparently.

@thelongdark ok. I agree. Most people are cunts. Who are raising little shits.

You did nothing wrong...it's just what mothers do. At a funeral last year my mother went over to my 40 year old friend and told her to put her coat on as it was so cold.

Footiefan2019 that's rather subjective isn't it. If everyone else is a "cunt" and all their children are "shits" in your opinion perhaps you've got things backwards...

Pretty sure people who read dirk gently are In no Position to call me a cunt