So how do i tell my ds to go to school.

[Harleyisme]

Ds is 6 and a really bad school refuser. He has autism and suffers from bad anxiety.
I have tried everything from rewards like stickers, nintendo time, pokemon walks etc. I have tried being stern this results in ds running away and being violent and refusing to go in. This is the only time ds is ever violent too. Hes nearly been run over from running away. If he stays in longer than 11am the next day he won't go at home. I have carried him in kicking and screaming and the teachers have dragged him and barricade him in this has resulted to him running away from teacher and refusing to get close. Currently i can get him in 10.45 till 11.05. Scholl say hes fine once in. They don't believe a chold of his age would be able to mask. When ds does a few hours at school he will come home and either sit quiet and do nothing all evening or go to his room and scream shout stomp. To help ds i have done visuals now and next, emotions, anxiety scales. Ds says he doesn't like crowds people noise things being busy. Hes the same for all enviroments. Now i can get him to go anywhere telling him he has to go or with rewards but none of it works getting him to school. He is also a very rule abiding little boy apart from the school refusal. He even puts himself on timeout when he does something wrong then doesn't do it again but even him doing one thing wrong is rare. Local council sendo say the issues is that hes just a manipulative naughty little boy and i just need to be harsh. I have done all the parenting course and cygnet but apparently need to do a refresher even though i am doing all the stragies that they tell you to do. So how do i get ds into school?

Ds does not have to go to school, there are other options available, have you looked into any?
Shouting at a child already distressed is going to do nothing but cause trauma.

I have looked into home schooling but i worry i don't have the expertise to do it for him. He is a bright boy just struggles so much with the environment.

Does he have to go to THAT school?
Is there a quieter school near to you with smaller classes?
Or a quieter way of working?
If he has been diagnosed, school should get funding for 1to1 with him.
He could then have his own lessons in a quiet room for part of the day. Or even a quiet corner of the classroom.
My dd is asd/adhd.
She spent most of the time during the xmas play sitting on my knee. (She is 8). She cant deal with the crowds of parents and the noise.
Ask for a meeting with teacher and senco.
Ask what they can offer to help him.
Offer some suggestions of what works at home.
Several kids in dd school have a "calming box" containing things like scarf smelling of mum perfume, colouring/puzzle book, soft toy, rubik's cube.
If they get overwhelmed, they quietly get their box and sit in the safe space for a bit.

We had loads of meetings. School say they are doing all the can yet everytime i ask what they are doing they skirt around it. I have applied for a ehcp and got rejected and am appealing it. No theres no smaller school in the area. They vito everything he uses for calm and there excuse is it affects other learning. Ds will no longer do anything like go and sit in his safe space as he says he affects everyone else's learning.

Poor ds. He sounds a lot like my dd.
I have sent you an essay of a PM.
A lot of it needs school to be on side, or you are screwed.
It took our school a couple of years to realise dd wasnt "lively/fidgety/excitable/whatever else they fancied calling her that week."

It really doesn’t sound as though the school is the right fit for him. They should have some funding with which to offer additional support, but without an EHCP, I doubt there would be one to one funding.

Surely it’s in their interests to provide the things that help to keep him calm, like a safe space, visual reminders of the school routine, short term part time timetable, fiddle toy or whatever will help him to remain calm and stay in school.

I found almost "being sneaky" was sort of helpful for dd. Taking something tiny of mine in her pocket, that the teacher and other kids were unaware of.the rule was ot had to stay In her pocket. She could hold it, fiddle, stroke whatever, but it stayed in there.
She also goes off to the reading area as a safe space now. Away from the class. Sometimes she says something like "I need a wee" and the teacher knows! But the other kids assume she is going to the loo.

It’s the school not your child. So either get some internal strength and fight to get it sorted or take him out (home or another school). Hard choices as so much to consider but hope you find a solution.

Are you sure noise and people are his only reasons for not wanting to go? Could there be undisclosed bullying? I wouldn’t force a child to go to school if they don’t want to, it can cause long term trauma because they feel like they aren’t being listened to and respected, their wishes and feelings are irrelevant. I certainly would not be dragging my child kicking and screaming if he felt so strongly that he didn’t want to go. Forcing him will do nothing except make him feel powerless and hurt. You need to explore the reasons why he doesn’t want to go.

Their excuse is it affects other learning.

That is a worrying phrase. Bollocks it affects everyone else's learning when a child has reasonable adjustments made for them. Even pre-diagnosis, pre-referral even, and without any EHCP, the schools my dc attended had no difficulties with adjustments to help them:
Discreet fiddle toys.
Concentration box.
A retreat zone (when younger).
A code question for the teacher, who would then send the dc on an errand to get them out of the classroom for a break (when older).
A clearly defined work space with a set of supplies - having to go around the classroom collecting pencil, ruler, scissors , glue etc before you get to start your work is not conducive to concentration for a child with ASD.
The opportunity to leave or arrive a few minutes early, to avoid the crush of transition points.

A larger school is not necessarily worse for a child with ASD. The school's attitude and culture are more important, and a school that will not implement very simple, standard, cost-free interventions is not the right place.

Have a look at you r local council's website. In our area they have a section called Local Offer, which lists all sorts of resources that you may be able to access for support and advice.

The school isn’t right for him. Is he verbal? Can you ask him to explain exactly what he doesn’t like so you can “fix it”. Things like an earlier or later start to avoid the morning commotion and an area he knows he can go to when he needs space can make a difference.
Have you looked at Special Needs schools? They can be amazing for children who don’t work well in standard schools.

Yes i agree with all the above i don't believe mainstream is a fit. Nearly all of the issues he has is the school environment but as they say he hes perfectly fine within school they say that its all a none issue. The LA say hes too intelligent for a sen school and for a ep assessment and ehcp. She started going on about him being naughty and me not being stern enough once i pointed out that wasn't true at all and that ds was unable to access a full time education as he was struggling.

I’d try moving schools. Kids like yours get supported very well in my son’s school and yours sounds particularly unhelpful

There's a Facebook group called Not Fine In School for parents in your position - I suggest you join it for lots of advice and support.

Came on to suggest same as @Equanimitas that FB group has been my saviour in some of the hard times.

I have similar issues although my DD (trans m2f) is 15, taller and stronger than me and when she refuses to go in there's really not much I can physically do.

I moved my son into a much smaller school, it has totally transformed him. (He was non verbal..... he now has friendships etc) He’s also v bright and rule abiding, and I did get the sense that the bright kids were not being pushed or educated properly.

I Don’t understand why he was refused an EHCP as presumably he’s been diagnosed?

Yes he has been diagnosed the sendo told my mil yesterday that his diagnosis means nothing moat children with asd don't need support in school.

Camhs told us that dragging a distressed child to school causes long term mental health problems.
You need to get appointment with camhs who can sign him of sick and get LEA to provide hospital school,which is tutors at home ,while camhs do therapy with him about school refusing

We have tried to get camhs he has been refused on the grounds that its his autism causing the issues and the fact he tells everyone its only school thats his issue they won't deal with just school refusal.

I got refused an ehcp by my sons useless school ,so I did it myself and got it .
I also removed him from school to home educate,while I applied for it ,

I did it myself and got refused. Its the LA now thats refsuing everything.

It’s not just school refusing,it’s anxiety,one of the major problems for a person who has autism.
Keep ringing camhs
Don’t drag him in
If he refuses ,just phone the school and say he is unable to come today his anxiety is to bad
Ring sendiass
Find a local autism support group in your area
Keep asking head to do ehcp
Do ehcp yourself
Just don’t drag him in ,and hand him over crying ...how will he trust you if you keep doing that ?

Apply again for your ehcp .
I was refused first time too

It sounds like the SENDO shouldn't be in that job, if she really believes that most children with ASD don't need help in school.

Start looking at other schools ,
We moved our son school ,but ultimately took the problems with us.
Camhs said to me that some children just can’t cope in school ,any school ,and do better at home .