Letting dd10 give up piano lessons

[Chickenitalia]

Looking for opinions please.

Dd10 has had piano lessons since she was 7. She has done grade 1 and did well, but since September it has been a battle to get her to practice at home. She complains bitterly about going to lessons although does go and then plays nicely when she is there. Her teacher is very nice and incredibly patient, and has told her that she needs to practice to improve etc but it now at the point that she has done nothing over the holidays despite constant reminders, and she exploded in a rage when I mentioned we would be going to piano later.
She just doesn’t seem to want to put in the effort and doesn’t much enjoy it now, where at the start she really did. And it’s expensive, £350 for this term. She has an aptitude for music but isn’t especially talented at it, though I think she could do well enough if she wanted to.

She does other activities and loves them, is happy to work on badges for Guides at home, practice her dance routines, sing for choir, go swimming. So she does other things outside school.

I think I should just let her quit piano before she gets turned off music altogether. If she decided to try something else in the future that’s fine.
DH thinks ‘we’ should insist she carries on, but it’s not him having to do the insisting! It’s exhausting and I just think that money could be spent on other things, not that the cost is the main issue.

I need to make a decision ASAP as we have to give a terms notice, the teacher is very in demand so the space will be filled so there’s not likely to be a chance to change minds back again, at least not quickly.

Sorry for the essay, wanted to include all the details!
Would you let dd quit (after Easter now) or would you insist?
Have you been in this position and what did you do, any regrets?
Thanks for reading.

I'm glad he's come around OP. Pressure like that is what kills the music joy for many people!

Try her on an instrument with one stave eg classical guitar?

Does DH accompany her? His gm got him through to grade 5, he could should be sitting with her and playing some lovely duets together. I bet her interest would rocket.

but we all know learning music so beneficial.

For what is it beneficial? I hate flute lessons for years as a kid. I've never seen any benefit from them.

Hate=had

And what's with the posters who are horrified someone's dc is 'not allowed' to give up piano until gsce? Said dc is not allowed to leave school until gcse either, regardless how much they may or may not like it or take to it.

Some private schools will be up to £60 per hour now. The teacher gets a pittance, the school gets the rest for buildings.

but we all know learning music so beneficial.

If you want to be a musician and/or enjoy it, it's very beneficial.
Parents making you do it is wrong on all counts. Let your children choose their extra curricular activities, which may include music.

Music teaches children discipline, the ability to self motivate, organisational skills, the ability to be alone for a while without dying of boredom, patience, determination, muscle strength and in the case of wind musician also promotes good lung health.

It's also been linked to better skill at mathematics.

It IS beneficial. IF the child is enjoying it and wants to do it.

It's also been linked to better skill at mathematics.

I'm sorry but this is bollocks, it may help with maths or good maths skills might help with music, but in no means is this common.
You can gain the skills suggested from lots of other activities, it doesn't have to be music.
I've very rarely seen or heard of anyone who played music for their parents continuing. In fact I've heard more say they were put off for life.

Tell your DH he can insist as much as he wants but you’re not going to force her.

I did exactly the same as your daughter when I was her age, I loved everything apart from piano, it wasn’t a hobby it was a chore that I had to do because my dad resented never learning an instrument as a child.

Glad he’s come round to it.

'I'm sorry but this is bollocks, it may help with maths or good maths skills might help with music, but in no means is this common* Sorry but it's not bollocks. It's a very established theory and there have been a few research papers into it.

But of course if you practice something a lot you'll get good at it. Thus is makes sense that practicing a lot of music will make you good at maths because music is infused with maths.

I do agree though that you can gain those skills from other activities too. And forcing kids to do music is very counter productive, I do not condone it.

@Damntheman No, practising a lot of music won’t make you good at maths 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I practised ALOT of music as a child as I was gifted (piano, flute and voice). I am not good at maths at all.
It can help with maths probably in that music is another language and There is a certain logic/patterns to it (in particular more classical / baroque). However it will NOT make you good at maths. Natural ability and studying hard makes you good at maths

Hmm, I don't see why you needed a huge OP with so much in it. Your DD doesn't want to do it. It's really that basic.

Strongmummy just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean the scientists running the studies are wrong.

@Damntheman I seriously doubt the scientists running the experiments claim it makes you “good at maths“. I would guess they say something like it can improve your ability. Just like it can improve your ability for languages as it is like another language

I'm coming at this from a different angle, as I am a piano teacher of 43 years' experience. Firstly, the piano is a difficult instrument to learn in the early stages, because of hand co-ordination and reading music on two staves. It can take between 9 months and two years to reach grade one standard. Furthermore, people often believe it will be an easy instrument to learn, because all you have to do is "press the notes (keys)" which you can clearly see. Nothing could be further from the truth. So this is what often deludes those who have high hopes of instantaneous success.

The main reason for failure and disappointment in learning the piano is that, unbelievably, most so-called piano teachers ARE UNABLE TO TEACH THE INSTRUMENT and only teach their students how to read music and where to find the notes on the piano. This is shocking and what I call "musically criminal"!

The piano should be introduced as a friend or a pet, getting to know its workings and personality, learning how to treat it and love it. In other words, the technique of correct touch must be taught. I happen to have been taught by a teacher who was herself a pupil of Tobias Matthay, pioneer of piano technique in this country, so know exactly what I am talking about.

Re practising: most teachers will tell their pupils to practise but do not explain to them HOW to practise. When taught properly how to practise, the whole thing becomes possible, which leads to enjoyment, which in turn leads to success and self-motivation. Bite-size chunks of practice are crucial, setting small goals which can realistically be achieved. There is so much to be said about practice but I can't say it all here. If it's realistic to contact me to talk, even bring Dd to me for a free trial lesson (I live between Leicester and Peterborough) I would gladly help you both.

Giving up on something is the easiest thing to do. Learning and persevering and eventually loving something that most people CANNOT do (because they didn't persevere themselves) is life-changing and sets you apart, providing you with amazing opportunities. I am living proof of this - being a pianist all my life has been a huge, huge blessing.

Most of the replies you have received have suggested quite glibly giving up. That's what most people would do and is all the proof you need that patience and perseverance set an individual apart.

@P1an0mad you make a very good point about knowing how to practise. It’s vital and many teachers don’t know how to teach this.

However the girl is 10 and expecting a 10 year old (who isn’t demonstrating a natural gift for the piano) to persevere when she could be doing other hobbies she enjoys / or just relaxing after school is unrealistic in my view.

Except that she may not yet have been inspired. Apparently she did well at grade 1, so she could well have the aptitude. She certainly has the right mother, who has been very supportive (not all are). Successful instrumental learning is a three-way thing: it requires a well-qualified and inspirational teacher, a motivated pupil and a parent who is supportive of both the teacher and the child. She may need a change of teacher to achieve this but I would never underestimate the life chances offered by music and if the child can be coaxed (not forced) to continue, then this could turn out to be something that she would be so grateful for when she is grown up. I can't tell you the number of adults I have taught over the years who bitterly regret being allowed to quit piano lessons as children.

@p1an0mad yes, but I say I wish I’d not been allowed to give up ballet as a kid - hindsight is a fabulous thing and the adult desire has little/no bearing on what you want to do as a child at the time.

I was gifted musically as a child, trained hard on 3 instruments and was going to study opera at music school. I actually stopped as I was sick of the rehearsals/practise/analytics etc....I lost my enjoyment of music to be honest. It’s only now 20 years later that I’m training again and auditioning.

I understand what you’re saying about being inspired, but sometimes children are too young to understand the practise and dedication it takes to do well at music. It just isn’t for them, life is too short and lessons are expensive. It may be better if they return to it as adults

If she has had 3 years of lessons and is only just giving up, then I don't think that is "on a whim".
There's no reason why she can't take it up again as an adult or even in a few years time.
pianomad you mention adult learners regretting being allowed to give as a child, but the alternative is being forced to learn it when you have no interest and that can't be healthy. Just because your adult learners regret quitting as a child that doesn't mean everyone who gave up learning an instrument as a child regrets doing so later in life.

I am an adult learner myself who never had piano lessons as a child, but I have managed to achieve grade 7 in a short time, because it is something I am actively interested in and took the time to practise.

As a child, I took violin lessons from age 7 to 13 but didn't take any further grades after grade 1. I simply didn't practise because it was such a chore. I have never looked back.

Definitely let her quit. She has a lovely teacher but still hates it? I hated my piano teacher and quit after grade 2, but probably would have carried on with a nicer teacher

We were in a similar position with DS a while ago, when he announced after several years (and much money) that he wanted to quit the oboe.
Looking back we had become like you and your DD, and I was increasingly resentful of the money we were paying out for no practice, so we agreed. DS dropped the oboe without a second thought and announced that from now on he "would concentrate on his guitar playing"
Two years later and I've not once nagged him to practice, on a weekend he often plays for three or more hours (while also having a Sunday job, revising for GCSE's, and lying aimlessly in his bed staring at his phone) We have 5 guitars in the house at the last count and I have eventually become immune to the noise!
It was definitely the best decision for us and I'm glad we didn't insist that he carried on and became bored of music altogether.

My Dd couldn't wait To start lessons at 5, never had to be told to practise and passed exams easily. She also learned violin and flute.
At about 13 she gave up all her interests in favour of boys. She can play the piano when she wants to. It’s supposed to be fun.

@xsquared congratulations on achieving Grade 7!

If she consistently hates it, let her stop.

DD does a lot of dance, and occasionally has a few days of thinking about quitting, then goes back to loving it. I've said we review at the end of the term, rather than acting on a 'dip'. If it got to the point where she wanted to stop more than she wanted to continue, over a period of time, then of course she can stop.