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Original poster

Letting dd10 give up piano lessons

101 replies

Chickenitalia · 07/01/2020 12:52

Looking for opinions please.

Dd10 has had piano lessons since she was 7. She has done grade 1 and did well, but since September it has been a battle to get her to practice at home. She complains bitterly about going to lessons although does go and then plays nicely when she is there. Her teacher is very nice and incredibly patient, and has told her that she needs to practice to improve etc but it now at the point that she has done nothing over the holidays despite constant reminders, and she exploded in a rage when I mentioned we would be going to piano later.
She just doesn’t seem to want to put in the effort and doesn’t much enjoy it now, where at the start she really did. And it’s expensive, £350 for this term. She has an aptitude for music but isn’t especially talented at it, though I think she could do well enough if she wanted to.

She does other activities and loves them, is happy to work on badges for Guides at home, practice her dance routines, sing for choir, go swimming. So she does other things outside school.

I think I should just let her quit piano before she gets turned off music altogether. If she decided to try something else in the future that’s fine.
DH thinks ‘we’ should insist she carries on, but it’s not him having to do the insisting! It’s exhausting and I just think that money could be spent on other things, not that the cost is the main issue.

I need to make a decision ASAP as we have to give a terms notice, the teacher is very in demand so the space will be filled so there’s not likely to be a chance to change minds back again, at least not quickly.

Sorry for the essay, wanted to include all the details!
Would you let dd quit (after Easter now) or would you insist?
Have you been in this position and what did you do, any regrets?
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
notmoresheep · 08/01/2020 11:52

I’d let her quit and help her find an activity she really loves otherwise it makes DC resentful and is just a massive waste of money and time. getting beyond grade 2 is a slog and we didn’t want to give DC that same message of quitting piano when they begged to switch to something else. But its been 3 years now and no regrets, they love the other instrument and practice daily without ever being asked.

SE13Mummy · 08/01/2020 11:54

Although I'm a fan of music lessons, I think you've done the right thing by giving notice to the piano teacher now. Your DD will feel listened to and will hopefully feel confident to try out a different instrument in the future, safe in the knowledge that it doesn't have to be forever.

The piano is a tricky instrument, not least because it's so solitary until a very high standard is reached whereas something like the violin can be played in a group as soon as a few notes can be played. Having learned to read music, your DD will be at a bit of an advantage if she chooses to take up a new instrument at secondary school and may find she makes more rapid progress, which is likely to be quite motivating.

DD2 gave up having instrumental lessons at school because she didn't get on with the new peripatetic teacher. She was keen to continue playing though so joined a local ensemble and now plays with that at least once a week. She's continuing to make progress but, more importantly, she's enjoying playing again and will pick up her instrument to play through things for fun.

UnaCorda · 08/01/2020 12:30

I would say it sounds like the teacher isn't very good!

Hmm

It's entirely typical for a young beginner to take a couple of years to reach Grade 1, especially if they don't do much practice.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds Families Music
thehorseandhisboy · 08/01/2020 12:33

I think that's a good approach OP - go to Easter then you can stop if you want.

Also, will the teacher only teach to grades? My dd doesn't want to do grades, and her teacher is happy to focus on things that she wants to play.

INeedNewShoes · 08/01/2020 19:53

I started at 7 and was at Grade 5 by 10 . Just one lesson a week.

This isn't a normal progression. Not absolutely exceptional, but not the norm either. Most teachers prefer to give a more rounded foundation during the first few years of learning an instrument. The piano is much harder than single line instruments (stats back this up) and it is usual for a full year of lessons to take place before taking Grade 1 (whereas, for example, woodwind exams used to start at Grade 3 due to the discrepancy in difficulty)

Even with an able piano pupil I wouldn’t choose to have them take Grade 5 within three years even if they would be capable of getting a good mark for it at that point.

chocolateisavegetable · 08/01/2020 20:02

Let her quit

xsquared · 08/01/2020 20:10

Is there are reason why your dh insists she learns the piano, which she clearly has no interest for?

In my experience, our ds gave up at G5 when he was in year 7 but I would have let him do so much earlier, to save the tantrums and arguments, as well as fees. It was also my dh who insisted he had lessons because according to him, it would be a waste of his talent and it would be too late if he decided to take it up later. Given that ds had no intention to be a concert pianist, I didn't think this was an issue. It was simply not his thing. 4 years later, he goes nowhere near the piano now. His passion is football.

Your dd is doing many other things as it is, so I would let her give up especially if she isn't showing progress or interest.

Sintillating · 09/01/2020 08:23

I don’t think it’s fair for a parent who has been forced to go through the motions (and turned out to be a good pianist) to expect or impose the same upon the child just because of personal experience. If you allow her to give up now following a sensible discussion and consideration, then it would not be ‘giving up on a whim’.

I suspect your daughter will be more likely to return to piano later if she hasn’t had a bad early experience, or she might find true interest in another instrument. She has other things she enjoys doing, you’d have a lot more joy from nurturing and sharing these experiences with her. It can’t be nice to spend all that money and stress constantly about making her practise etc! Treat yourselves to good pastimes and get DH to keep playing on the piano. I’ve found that people growing up with musicality around them will often derive pleasure from music in their own way.

amusedbush · 09/01/2020 08:35

Mine isn't allowed to give up piano until she hits GCSE's

What are you going to do if she decides she doesn't want to do it anymore - drag her there by her hair??

Spied · 09/01/2020 08:42

Her motivation has already quit..

housemdwaswrong · 09/01/2020 08:48

What does £350 a term buy you? That's extortionate.

ShinyGiratina · 09/01/2020 09:36

I think stopping and doing more fun stuff for the notice period is a good call. At 10, she is young and a break and a bit of foundation might mean that she picks up a new interest in instruments when she gets to secondary school.

My DSs did gymnastics which I viewed as a foundation towards other sports. They lost interest at around 6-7, mainly when the few other boys began trickling out. By that point they were old enough to take up Karate which uses similar physical and mental skills. Particularly helpful for DS1 who has dyspraxia. DS1 has dropped any kind of team sport, but as long as he does some exercise and social activities such as Cubs, I'm happy that he gets a range of experiences that can't always be provided in school.

SoupDragon · 09/01/2020 09:47

asking that they just do fun things for this term and not exam work, so that’s fine. Of course as soon as that was the case, she bounced out saying it was great and she wanted to keep going.

Can she just do the fun piano stuff with her dad?

INeedNewShoes · 09/01/2020 09:52

What does £350 a term buy you? That's extortionate.

If it's 10 or 12 hour long lessons per term then it really is not extortionate; it's the going rate for 1-2-1 tuition.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 09/01/2020 09:59

I think you and dh need to have a conversation about the purpose of these lessons. It sounds like you see it as a fun skill to explore if she wants to, it sounds like your dh might consider it an important skill that required parental scaffolding.
I lean more towards your dh's view and music lessons are required in my home. In my experience, they don't really enjoy it (especially at 10!) until they have enough skill behind them which can take quite a while.
However, it sounds like your dd is very busy, I am not surprised that getting her to to practice is difficult with so many other activities. I'd prioritise and prune the extra curriculas myself. Just my opinion, ymmv 🙂

adaline · 09/01/2020 10:10

If it's 10 or 12 hour long lessons per term then it really is not extortionate; it's the going rate for 1-2-1 tuition.

It's still a lot of money to spend on something that isn't essential and that the child doesn't want to do!

Damntheman · 09/01/2020 10:30

God don't force kids to do music. Music should be something someone does because they love it. Kids forced to practice/go to lessons when they don't want to are just going to be resentful of it and never play again. She'll come back to it if she wants to. I'd keep the keyboard at home if you have one, she can potter without the pressure if she wants. I self-taught myself piano as a teenager and now am a professional musician. (admittedly piano is my third instrument so not the one I get paid for often)

Damntheman · 09/01/2020 10:33

What does £350 a term buy you? That's extortionate

It isn't. If a term is 13 weeks, the lessons are about 27 quid a lesson. That's the going rate for a decent one on one teacher these days.

Damntheman · 09/01/2020 10:33

It's still a lot of money to spend on something that isn't essential and that the child doesn't want to do This I agree with though! I'm incredibly against forcing children to have music lessons if they don't want it.

housemdwaswrong · 09/01/2020 10:53

An hour? Say 35 lessons a year for £1050.
£30 an hour... if it's an hour. That's why I asked what the op gets for that. An hour is a long time for a young beginner, and would mean that after 105 hours, no theory exam or no grade 1. To me it seems to be a mismatch between either the length of lessons and progress, or the length of lessons and cost. 2 years of half hour lessons, and no grade1, yes. 2 years of 1 hour lessons and no grade 1? Seems wrong to me. (Assuming of course grades are being worked towards).

Where does op live, do they say?

Original poster
Chickenitalia · 09/01/2020 11:00

Seems like the general feeling is that by giving notice I’ve done the right thing, dd certainly thinks so!
She is happy playing fun tunes and will just finish this term as we had to pay up front.
To answer previous questions, it is £27.50 for a half hour one-to-one session, 13 this term. I rounded it a bit 😁
This is entirely normal around here and I appreciate it sounds a lot as one lump sum. It is also more than I am prepared to pay for something that she can just do at home when she feels like it! She doesn’t want to, that’s fine, I’m happy with the things she does and enjoys.
She has brass lessons at school and really loves those, no issue with that, so it’s just piano that is not her thing. Also fine. I can see that it is a hard instrument to learn. And I really don’t want to put her off music as a result of it all.

As to why Dh thinks the way he does... not entirely sure, I know he was ‘made’ to practice as a child but it was his gm that taught him in the early stages, to grade 5, and I think that makes a difference. He is also very competitive and has the same attitude to sports, he would be the competitive dad from comedy shows back in the day. Dd is so uninterested in sport (swimming is for safety not competition here) I’m glad that’s been avoided tbh! He works hard, plays hard, that’s just him. He’s come around now he can see how unhappy it was making her over the lessons though. I pointed out what else could be done with the money, he couldn’t argue with that.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 09/01/2020 11:10

£27.50 for a half hour one-to-one session - OMG! Where is 'round here'? I might move Grin

ISM's most recent survey showed the average fee per hour in the SE of England as £35 I think.

Original poster
Chickenitalia · 09/01/2020 11:19

Home Counties btw. Lots of academics etc looking to make extra tutoring I guess pushes prices down a bit! Also more expensive at higher grades with this particular teacher.

OP posts:
housemdwaswrong · 09/01/2020 11:22

£60 an hour?? That's not normal anywhere! The royal college charges £35 an hour...

Hepsibar · 09/01/2020 11:29

Poor you, similar situation, only got to Grade 1 after years and much money but we all know learning music so beneficial.

We called it a day, she's never going to be a stella pianist is she! Unless your DH wishes to take over responsibility for practice misery!

She does do lots of other activities, so she's not just sat there like a doughnut on her phone and she can never say she didnt have the opportunity!