Letting dd10 give up piano lessons

[Chickenitalia]

Looking for opinions please.

Dd10 has had piano lessons since she was 7. She has done grade 1 and did well, but since September it has been a battle to get her to practice at home. She complains bitterly about going to lessons although does go and then plays nicely when she is there. Her teacher is very nice and incredibly patient, and has told her that she needs to practice to improve etc but it now at the point that she has done nothing over the holidays despite constant reminders, and she exploded in a rage when I mentioned we would be going to piano later.
She just doesn’t seem to want to put in the effort and doesn’t much enjoy it now, where at the start she really did. And it’s expensive, £350 for this term. She has an aptitude for music but isn’t especially talented at it, though I think she could do well enough if she wanted to.

She does other activities and loves them, is happy to work on badges for Guides at home, practice her dance routines, sing for choir, go swimming. So she does other things outside school.

I think I should just let her quit piano before she gets turned off music altogether. If she decided to try something else in the future that’s fine.
DH thinks ‘we’ should insist she carries on, but it’s not him having to do the insisting! It’s exhausting and I just think that money could be spent on other things, not that the cost is the main issue.

I need to make a decision ASAP as we have to give a terms notice, the teacher is very in demand so the space will be filled so there’s not likely to be a chance to change minds back again, at least not quickly.

Sorry for the essay, wanted to include all the details!
Would you let dd quit (after Easter now) or would you insist?
Have you been in this position and what did you do, any regrets?
Thanks for reading.

Let her quit.

Ask your DH if he would like to be forced into a hobby he hated.

Of course let her stop, it's mean to make her live your dreams. We encouraged music, two of our dc stopped pretty soon but dd bit and loves it.
If it's a battle it's time to stop and find something she enjoys.
I never understand why parents make their kids play music when they clearly don't want to.
It's a lovely discipline if they are interested but hard work and boring if they don't like it.

I would add "Mines not allowed to give up ....." This is cruel and abusive
HTH

If she has an aptitude, is there another instrument she might be happier with? Music can (& should, ideally) be fun and it is also good brain training.

DD2 is very musical but really struggled with piano once the music got more complicated. I don’t think she even got as far as grade 1! She switched to flute at 7, loved it, & kept going into her 20s.

Also things like woodwind/brass mean they can play in various ensembles as they progress, and that’s more fun than just solo too.

I was in your daughter's position as a child around a similar age. My parents were insisting that I should continue with the lessons and wouldn't let me give up. In the end I broke down in tears in the middle of the lesson because I just couldn't do it anymore. It was a horrible experience and I really think you should let your daughter give up if that's what she wants.

I've never regretted not being able to play an instrument and I don't think my life would be any better if I could.

I took lessons from age 5 and went through periods when I was desperate to quit or refused to practice. Proper battles with my parents who insisted I continued and I'm so glad they did! I'm 40 now and love the enjoyment I get from playing. It isn't my career, just a beautiful skill and hobby. I'm so grateful my parents gave me that opportunity and didn't let me quit. Also, it's good to teach kids they can't quit and should stick at things. Too many parents don't make their children stick tough things out and that's why we have millennials 🤷🏻‍♀️ anyone keen to work with any more of them???

I teach piano and think it would be a good idea for her to have a break. She can always come back to it later or try another instrument. It's very tricky as a teacher to teach someone who is clearly only having lessons because the parents think they should.

Let her quit. I played violin until sixth form and have no positive memories at all of my lessons.. I never practiced and refused to cut my nails haha. I should have been firm about quitting years before but didn't want to upset anyone.

Let her quit. I can't stand pushy parents, I would never force my DS to do anything extracurricular that he doesn't want to (with the exception of swimming lessons).

Struggling to reach grade 1 at 10 does not signal much aptitude for the piano (or even, to be brutal, more than average musicality, to be quite honest.) It's a more difficult instrument than it looks and requires a very particular kind of mind.

When you consider that even those with a distinction at Grade 8 are generally unlikely to have performing careers, that puts these struggles into perspective. The only reason for Little Miss/Mr Musically Average to carry on playing an instrument is their own satisfaction. If they don't like it, they won't learn.

Let her choose to stop lessons (saying this as a piano teacher).

She might choose to come back to it later but it needs to come from her herself. Learning an instrument requires self-motivation and self-discipline. It's painful for everyone and likely to put a child off if they don't want to learn and parents insist.

I now interview prospective pupils (informally) to check that the desire to learn comes from them. Its only very rarely that I can inspire and motivate a child who starts lessons on their parents' wishes and it's of little benefit to the child if they don't want to be there.

She does other activities and loves them, is happy to work on badges for Guides at home, practice her dance routines, sing for choir, go swimming. So she does other things outside school.

So your DD already does Guides, dancing, singing and swimming? Does she get any downtime?

I think the most important thing about music is that it should be enjoyed. My dd (18yrs) gave up piano lessons at around the same age. She is very good at, and loves singing and dancing. Is doing music A- level and may do it at Uni.
However because of her singing, she often sat at the piano to pick out a tune, and she has gradually taught herself to a level where she enjoys playing. Its not really public performance standard, but she enjoys herself and it is a great relaxation for her.
So if you have a piano in the house, you may well find, that without pressure, she will go back to it herself.
So I would let her give up for the moment.

Please let her give up. I was forced to carry on going for lessons until I was 15, I hated it and resented my mother greatly for it. She’s given it a good shot, learned house to read music and will have a good foundation for music theory, if she feels like taking something else up in the future then let her. She will thank you for it.

I would ask if she'd like to play a different instrument instead. The piano is harder than most to get started on - children make much progress quickly with other instruments - and it's quite solitary at the early stages. With an orchestral instrument, she is likely to be able to find others to play with and she might enjoy the social side of it.

Her piano and theory experience would stand her in good stead for any other instrument and she could always go back to it later.

She has plenty of downtime! Between 3pm and 9pm she has maybe an hour or two of activities that she has asked to do, 4 nights a week, and her school doesn’t issue homework. Nothing on weekends other than occasional Guiding events. So don’t fret that poor dd is being shipped from pillar to post!

I have told her teacher that dd really isn’t enjoying it and given notice, asking that they just do fun things for this term and not exam work, so that’s fine. Of course as soon as that was the case, she bounced out saying it was great and she wanted to keep going. By March she may change her mind of course, but I think it was the relief that I had said it was ok to stop after Easter. I will deal with Dh separately. Thank you for all your comments, it really has reinforced what I thought around putting her off entirely, and of course interests change throughout life.

Let her quit. My DC tried a few different instruments until settling on something at senior school.

She might pick piano up later in life.
but if you force her she'll resent it and will probably put her off forever.

It's perfectly fine to try all sorts of things at this age and not 'see it through'. My feelings on extra curricular stuff is to stop when it isn't fun anymore. I'm not talking about the odd week here and there but if it's consistently miserable for them what's the point?

Oh let her quit. She has to enjoy what she is doing. If she’s not it’s a waste of your money and both her time and that of her teacher.

I started at 7 and was at Grade 5 by 10 . Just one lesson a week

I think this is exceptional rather than normal tbh. Dd has been playing her instrument for 4 years and has done grade 2, dd2 playing hers for 18 months and no grades.

No. I was good but i wasn't exceptional at all. I'd be asking questions if my kid was only Grade 2 after 4 years!

I could have written this word for word. (except the bit about the grade 1 - we didn't get to that because he didn't want to do grades). DS2 is 10. He stopped in September after the first two lessons of the year. He started when he was 7 as well. I didn't see any point if flogging a dead horse. Just stop.
He hasn't missed it. I haven't missed standing over him trying to make him do his scales and pieces.
Lots of people have aptitude for stuff but don't want do it and that's ok. Its not wasted time either. She has a skill. She can read music. She can play basic pieces if she ever does want to return to it.

I’d let her quit. Grade 1 in three years is incredibly slow progress.
She obviously has lots of other interests.

Let her quit. She won't progress unless she wants to and she clearly doesn't. If you've prepaid for the term I'd make her see it through until the term is over, I hate wasted money.
I went to a music college after sixth form and
My teachers all said 10% talent, 90% hard work.
They weren't kidding about the hard work either.

The main question is - does she enjoy playing the piano? If not then let her quit. She might return to it.

Not all activities outside school need to be graded, marked, competitive etc. Some can just be for fun.
Many, many people plodded through their grades as children but never play an instrument for enjoyment as an adult, which is a real shame.

My nieces have each learnt to play the piano in very different ways - one by doggedly going through the grades and the other by teaching herself through Apps and youtube tutorials.
The main thing is they both enjoy it and are likely to continue playing (as a hobby) as adults. They don't feel the need to humble brag about it either.
And they've inspired both dd and I to learn!