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Original poster

My dd18 just called me from uni, drunk and now I'm awake worrying

78 replies

JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:19

It's the first day back at uni and she went out with friends tonight. She just called me and barely made sense, although she wasn't slurring her words. Something about she'd left her friends and walked to the library (but I think they'd been in town, so nearly an hours walk away) and she hasn't got her shoes on and doesn't know why and they took her back to her room and gave her the number for the mental health team but she says they can't help her. She left her friends because she was feeling sad Sad

She's suffered with depression for years now and I'm so worried. She hates being alone there and is struggling to make friends.

Sorry, I know there's nothing anyone can do, I'm just so worried about her. I offered to drive over (It's an hours drive), but she said she'll try to sleep and she'll call me tomorrow. I think her friend from school is visiting tomorrow for a few days so she won't be alone, so hopefully that'll help, but it just doesn't seem to get easier for her.

Now I daren't sleep in case she needs me. I told her to sleep on her side in case she's sick.

Anyone else have dc struggling at uni?

OP posts:
Tillygetsit · 06/01/2020 03:26

I really feel for you. My dcs arent university age but my db has had, and continues to have, a long hard battle with MH problems.
It's so hard not to worry but she's probably sleeping it off and the best thing you can do is try to sleep yourself so you can be fresh to chat with her tomorrow.
I'm sending all good wishes.

DustyMaiden · 06/01/2020 03:28

Sorry that must be really hard. Glad her friend is visiting tomorrow.

Good you are only an hour away.

My DS is in his first year, he has Aspergers but all good so far. He’s 7 hours away.

Try to get some sleep.

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:31

Thank you. She's messaged a couple of times, hopefully now she's asleep.

We're so close, it's been just me and her for the last four years.

OP posts:

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18 years old
memaymamo · 06/01/2020 03:33

Oh that would worry me terribly too, you poor thing, that's hard for a Mum. We think when they're little babies that we worry over them and what they eat or how they sleep but even as young adults theres so much to worry about.

I would put your phone on loud and try to go to sleep, it'll wake you if she calls.

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:34

7 hours is a long way. I'm so relieved I can visit when she needs me. At the moment we meet up every week and she visits her dad once a week too (also not far away), so that helps. I just thought she'd make friends once she got to uni and be out partying all the time and have no time for parents. I hate to see her struggling so much. She cried all the way there in the car today Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:35

Yes I've put my phone on loud now. It was on vibrate, but luckily woke me up when she called.

It is hard, isn't it? The baby years were much easier, I could kiss it better and make her happy, these days it's not so simple.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 06/01/2020 03:39

Do you think she might be better to defer for a year or two? 18 is too early for some kids.
My dd went to study 5 hours away a few days after her big brother died suddenly. It was the right thing for her to do, but DH and I did visit her every few weeks, staying in airbnbs, just to offer company and moral support. It got us all through thst first year.
University isn't the be all and end all IMO.

MiniGuinness · 06/01/2020 03:40

Aw, OP, yes it is harder in some ways. It will get better for you both.

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:42

I've thought about her deferring, but from a financial point of view she'd have to work if she did and I'm not sure she's got the confidence for that either. She also loves the course. She just hates being in her room alone and hasn't made many friends. She's used to living in a tiny house with me and we call to each other from our bedrooms etc.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 06/01/2020 03:45

Do you do skype/ video calls, face time etc?
Whatsapp was a fantastic help for us too.

endofthelinefinally · 06/01/2020 03:46

If she can make a real effort to cut out alcohol that would be a big help too.

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:49

Yes sometimes we WhatsApp video call, sometimes phone calls, sometimes messages.

She actually doesn't get drunk often .. She can't afford to really. It's just bad timing, the first night back.

OP posts:
TwiddleMuff · 06/01/2020 03:58

Oh I feel for you. I hope it’s just first week back adjustment and she’ll hit her stride soon. It’s good she called you. I went through a bumpy time at uni and wouldn’t have dreamed of calling my folks. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

Beautiful3 · 06/01/2020 04:32

Can she move to a local university and commute? I feel for her. I went to a local one as I was too nervous to move away from home. When I carried on studying specializing in a subject, I commuted to another that was 30 miles away. Others didn't get why I spent time commuting, but I knew I couldn't cope with moving away.

sunshinekids · 06/01/2020 05:15

Would the one hour journey be commutable for her, at least for a while?

Trewser · 06/01/2020 05:19

but she said she'll try to sleep and she'll call me tomorrow

She's fine. If she suffers with depression alcohol is the absolute worst thing, but it's bloody hard to avoid it at uni.

I'd be a bit fed up with more than one or two drunk phone calls at 3am tbh. Is she mature enough for uni?

LadyAllegraImelda · 06/01/2020 05:49

Can you make the uni aware of her MH issues? they can usually offer pastoral support and get her to see the GP incase meds would help her during this tricky time Flowers

My daughter has just finished uni, I tended to hear about this stuff after the event, not nice feeling helpless. Do what you can to encourage her to be positive, if she knows you are struggling with it, it might make her worse/co-dependency type thing .

Is commuting for the 1st year an option?

okiedokieme · 06/01/2020 06:08

Hugs, so worrying. They may be legally adults but they still make mistakes, hopefully it's mostly the drink ... the library stays open here 24/7 for just these sorts of situations, they will look after her, the mh teams have really upped their game ...

sashh · 06/01/2020 06:29

Talk to her uni. They can't give you information about your daughter due to data protection (unless she gives written permission) but they can tell you what support is available.

Lots of unis have support at this time of year as this is when those who are going to have a slump do.

September/October it is an exciting new experience, the weather is often quite nice and very few students need support.

Then they go home for Xmas, see family and friends, usually get a bit spoiled and then they go back to uni, it's cold and wet, they are back to using a laundry and cooking and often the pace of work ramps up.

I hope she is asleep now and calls you this morning. It is good you are physically close, but not too close.

Do encourage your dd to use the help available.

Vanhi · 06/01/2020 06:40

I just thought she'd make friends once she got to uni and be out partying all the time and have no time for parents.

Part of the problem with uni is that there is an expectation that you'll meet lots of like-minded people, make friends wherever you go and be out every night. The reality is that many people struggle with it. It may make it easier for your daughter if she knows this - it's not at all unusual to spend the first year settling in. This is normal. If she keeps joining clubs she will eventually meet 'her' people.

It sounds like you have a very close relationship in many ways - honestly I think once she finds her feet university will be helpful for her. She'll be able to be more independent.

Frenchw1fe · 06/01/2020 06:45

Is it her first year? My dd was very homesick until about Easter. She used to ring at random hours crying. I always used to chk she was safely in her room and then she would chat and cry for a while.
It's difficult after Xmas as she will have been all happy at home and it's a bit like starting again.
If she's sharing a house next year that will make a difference.

At least your dd feels she can call you and that's a positive thing imo.

MsChatterbox · 06/01/2020 07:08

Would it be possible for her to live at home whilst at uni? How long is it on a train? Or is there a university closer to you that does her course? Hopefully she's feeling better today!

mathanxiety · 06/01/2020 07:08

Are you sure she was drunk or did someone slip her something?

mathanxiety · 06/01/2020 07:08

Sorry, hope that wasn't too jarring a thought.

kateandme · 06/01/2020 07:16

we found random texts help.just "love you today" "thinking o you always,your doing amazing etc. but dont stick to same times you do it as then it becomes something they expect and wait for on those worse days.and then if you dont for some reason text one day they start spiraling.
also do you think she would like letters?for some it can help.for some make it worse.for us it helped her.a burnt cd(yes it was a time ago lol) letter full of random crap.being sent her favorite cereal.
i know it really hard.keep it open,keep talking.let her know whatever she needs is ok and however shes feeling is ok too.
one thing we did find is she went quiet at one point.she later said it was fear o letting us down when she finally told us she couldnt cope.she didnt want to tell us and have us think less of her.
im sure she will be fine.if she can get through this she will be so proud of herself.
try to take it a day at a time.if its bad ask how to get through tomorrow.dont look into the distance of what ifs.just a moment at a time.

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