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Original poster

My dd18 just called me from uni, drunk and now I'm awake worrying

78 replies

JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:19

It's the first day back at uni and she went out with friends tonight. She just called me and barely made sense, although she wasn't slurring her words. Something about she'd left her friends and walked to the library (but I think they'd been in town, so nearly an hours walk away) and she hasn't got her shoes on and doesn't know why and they took her back to her room and gave her the number for the mental health team but she says they can't help her. She left her friends because she was feeling sad Sad

She's suffered with depression for years now and I'm so worried. She hates being alone there and is struggling to make friends.

Sorry, I know there's nothing anyone can do, I'm just so worried about her. I offered to drive over (It's an hours drive), but she said she'll try to sleep and she'll call me tomorrow. I think her friend from school is visiting tomorrow for a few days so she won't be alone, so hopefully that'll help, but it just doesn't seem to get easier for her.

Now I daren't sleep in case she needs me. I told her to sleep on her side in case she's sick.

Anyone else have dc struggling at uni?

OP posts:
Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 11:39

I've encouraged her to do so, but I think I'll contact them myself
Parachuting in again won't help her. If she needs student support, she's capable of contacting them herself.

she didn't feel the ones she did speak to understood her.
Often clients of mental health services say this when they don't get what they want. Remember, what they want is not automatically what they need. Have you considered that perhaps they have understood her very well and think the solution lies outside the kind of attention and interventions she wants?

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 11:48

I've advised her to contact them, it doesn't do any harm for me to voice my concerns to them too though.

I understand what you're saying, but that doesn't help if she doesn't feel she can connect with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 11:51

I'm not "parachuting in" as you put it. I'm trying very hard to let her be independent, make her own decisions. I've not contacted anyone so far, despite being worried. I don't hassle her, contact her all the time. But I'm not going to turn her away if she wants to see me. Usually we meet in town for a coffee and chat, do a bit of shopping, it's a few hours once a week. She then chooses to go to her dad's (She can get there with public transport easily) most weekends unless she's got plans.

OP posts:

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18 years old
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 11:53

First year in uni can be very difficult for any student, OP, as they’re living with total strangers. Hopefully she’ll get through this year and next year will be easier, as she will be sharing with people she knows, rather than strangers. At 18, she’s also going to be one of the younger students and even though it might only be by a few months, it’s a bigger difference at that age and she still has a lot of maturing to do.

I’m glad she’s been in touch and hopefully things will improve for her. It’s really good that she has faith and trust in you, so felt able to phone you for support. You’re a good mum and that knowledge alone will help her.

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 11:56

but that doesn't help if she doesn't feel she can connect with them.

True, I understand that. But connecting with them isn't the same as telling her what she wants to hear, which sounds like the route she's taking to think they understood her.

Letting her pick and choose, and decide some mental health professionals connect with her, and some don't, and they don't understand, and she's not had a good history with mental health support.. there's a theme here, isn't there? Do you really think all these support services and professionals are wrong and missing something... or are they not giving her the answers she wants to hear because really the answers lie within her, and it's a bit harder work if it's down to her own responsibility to sort herself out. Something which it's clear she's not used to doing, because everything seems to be done for her...

As I said at the start, I do mean this in the kindest way. Give her the opening to take some responsibility and action to improve her own situation, then you'll be equipping her with the skills to develop into a stronger, more confident adult, all much healthier and happier for her.

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 11:59

I'm not "parachuting in" as you put it.

Well, suggesting she contact student support services, and when she doesn't, saying you will do it - that's parachuting in.

I'll bow out now, I don't think my advice is the kind you're wanting to hear. Good luck.

DecemberSnow · 06/01/2020 12:07

Christ Devereux

OP knows her daughter best !

18 is not really an "adult"
Christ, she's still so young.

And everyone with mental health problems are different and need different things.

Her mum is doing the best for her daughter

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 12:13

I am trying to let her be independent, but also still looking after her. I don't think there's anything wrong with needing your family around you when you feel down.

Due to past two attempted overdoses I worry about her mental state. I wouldn't forgive myself if I felt I hadn't been there for her when she needed me.

I also haven't told my daughter I'll be contacting student services, I've suggested she contact them herself. But I'm wondering if I should tip them off about how she's feeling so they can keep a quiet eye on her.

It's not about taking away her independence, but it is about keeping her alive!

OP posts:
Trewser · 06/01/2020 12:28

But I'm wondering if I should tip them off about how she's feeling so they can keep a quiet eye on her

They can't keep an eye on her.

It's not about taking away her independence, but it is about keeping her alive!

Dramatic? She rang you, pissed and sad and today she's fine.

pleasenomorechocolates · 06/01/2020 12:37

@Trewser Did you miss the part where OP said her daughter had attempted suicide twice? I don’t think she’s being dramatic

Trewser · 06/01/2020 12:39

Yes and i can understand being worried. But the OP can't live her life thinking her dd is going to attempt suicide every time she gets upset.

FainaSnowChild · 06/01/2020 12:43

Devereux
You have rubbed me up the wrong way a bit here, and I am a mental health professional. I also knew everything until I was given an autistic child with severe anxiety. Since when I have found I knew crap all.

Your advice isn't incorrect, albeit you haven't phrased it that tactfully. What you suggest are great aims. But what you are missing is the fundamental core of a lot of anxiety work: you must start from where the person currently is. We don't advocate chucking kids with a history of depression and anxiety into the deep end, unless they are asking for that chance. We do baby steps towards independence. So if the op's daughter would be helped by student services, agrees that they would be helped, would like their help, but can't bring themselves to initiate that contact, it is perfectly reasonable for OP to make that first contact on her behalf. Then she can step back and let the support services do their thing.

Until you have been in the absolute dread that when you go into your child's room in the morning you will find they have hanged themself or taken an overdose you have no idea how well the OP has done, enabling her child to move away and have only weekly contact. I have run a bath for my child and led him upstairs at the age of 17.5 and put him in the bathroom, to come back an hour later to find him curled up in feotal position on the bathroom floor, still in his dressing gown. We have, by baby steps, managed to get him back in college and back doing his A levels. If I had told him to pull himself together and go and get washed back in those days...well, it wouldn't have worked. Start where they are. Move slowly. Baby steps. You will still get to the destination.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 12:54

Thank you for that voice of experience, common sense and kindness FainaSnowChild

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 12:58

Thanks. Yes, each child/ person is different. I've told my daughter she can always ring me when she feels desperate before she does something dangerous and I'll stand by that - of course.

It may have been a bit dramatic, but I've twice been told by her she's taken an overdose, I know the signs and at the moment I panic we're going to be in that situation again.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 13:01

I know everyone is entitled to different opinions. I'm doing the best I can trying to be there for my daughter in the way I think she needs. I just needed to write it all down last night, because I couldn't get back to sleep. You're all entitled to your opinions, I'm just doing my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 13:03

And I understand they can't keep an eye on her. But at least I'd have informed them.

As it happens mental health support have emailed dd and she's going to see what help they can provide. I think the people in the library last night contacted them.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 13:06

I'm very sorry about all the problems people on this thread have experienced with their children.

Dd has always struggled interacting with people, preferring to be alone, reading. She's got better due to making lovely friends at high school, but this new start is proving difficult.

OP posts:
Chimpfield · 06/01/2020 13:12

My son went through similar last year. It was his last year but his mental health and home issues meant he deferred at Xmas and took a year out. He got a job in retail (amazed me) he loved it..... gave him so much confidence (worked as a .com picker when store was quiet at first). He's just about to start his dissertation now..... this time last year I never thought he'd get here. Have faith, perhaps having a year out will help her x

Herpesfreesince03 · 06/01/2020 13:15

Is she in the room on her own? Doesn’t she have someone to stay with her? I know she prefers to be alone but that doesn’t sound what’s actually best for her. Isolating herself is not doing her any favours. If she had a room/house share then she’d likely naturally make friends with her room mate and perhaps expand her social circle from there. Good mental health is generally associated with good relationships in life. People with little or no friends are much more likely to suffer from poor mental health. And drinking is definitely the last thing she should be doing right now. Hopefully she’s learnt from last night?

skatesbythesea · 06/01/2020 14:11

Hopefully these are just blips op, if she already has someone to share with next year that is a weight off. Maybe she drank because it gives her confidence? Maybe encouraging not to drink too much and join some of the clubs and societies so she has a focus for social life.

I was utterly depressed in my first year at uni having only really gone to get away from home and my parents were getting divorced so that first christmas when my dad was renting a flat and it was no longer the family home was the worst ever. He remembers it as great as I cooked a wonderful vegetarian meal Hmm. But I found my way and I am very happy now.

Original poster
JustMyName · 06/01/2020 14:31

Yes, she's in halls and was allocated a single room on a corridor style accommodation. No one is ever even in the kitchen, so she finding it very lonely. However, she also hasn't joined any clubs and I've encouraged her to do so, but I think she's too nervous at present. But, yes, she's planning to share a house from September, so hopefully that will be easier.

The last thing I said to her when I dropped her off yesterday was maybe don't get too drunk tonight ... sigh Hmm

OP posts:
ssd · 06/01/2020 17:56

Op, ignore trewser and Devereux.
You sound like you are supporting your dd well and you've had some good advice here
Keep an eye on her and listen when she needs you, it's all any of us can do.
She's been really brave going away to uni, hopefully if she can stick it out things will slowly improve.

SweetPetrichor · 06/01/2020 18:46

I was a lonely struggler when I went to uni. My parents encouraged me to stay put as much as possible and it did make a difference - every time I came home it made it worse. Encourage her to get stuck in and if possible, join some clubs. I didn't make friends with any of my flat mates...and I was in halls for three years due to my own mental health issues and the need to be on campus. Once I got into the swing of it, I settled in. It just took a long time.

Trewser · 06/01/2020 19:03

It's very rude when posters tell people to ignore posters. I hope you aren't that rude in RL ssd

Glad you are feeling a bit better OP

PickUpThePieces · 06/01/2020 19:26

OP, my youngest DS was struggling at university following a significant bereavement.
Although he had a close knit group of friends at home, he didn’t have the same peer support at uni and was becoming increasingly isolated. My once gregarious, fun loving son was spiralling downwards.

I emailed his academic dept, explained the situation and expressed my concerns.
Within 48 hours his academic tutor had met with him to check he was coping with his work and someone within the dept whose role is to offer additional support to students, also contacted him.

Not only did this help my son greatly but it also gave us some peace of mind.
I am so grateful to the staff involved.
He has regular contact with the dept and he likes and trusts the tutors.
It was the start of him being able to embrace and enjoy university life.

I know that not all universities have such a good support system but I wanted to give you a positive example.

I hope things get better for your DD and for you.
It’s definitely a good idea to join some clubs and societies. Participating in a team sport really helped my DS.

While we want our young people to become independent, it sometimes takes small steps and extra support to get there.
Good Luck.

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