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Original poster

My dd18 just called me from uni, drunk and now I'm awake worrying

78 replies

JustMyName · 06/01/2020 03:19

It's the first day back at uni and she went out with friends tonight. She just called me and barely made sense, although she wasn't slurring her words. Something about she'd left her friends and walked to the library (but I think they'd been in town, so nearly an hours walk away) and she hasn't got her shoes on and doesn't know why and they took her back to her room and gave her the number for the mental health team but she says they can't help her. She left her friends because she was feeling sad

She's suffered with depression for years now and I'm so worried. She hates being alone there and is struggling to make friends.

Sorry, I know there's nothing anyone can do, I'm just so worried about her. I offered to drive over (It's an hours drive), but she said she'll try to sleep and she'll call me tomorrow. I think her friend from school is visiting tomorrow for a few days so she won't be alone, so hopefully that'll help, but it just doesn't seem to get easier for her.

Now I daren't sleep in case she needs me. I told her to sleep on her side in case she's sick.

Anyone else have dc struggling at uni?

OP posts:

Trewser · 06/01/2020 07:19

Dd posts regularly on our family group chat, just silly stuff. She'll text me with the more important stuff. She did once message me at 3am with a video of the rave music in a club

Coughy4u · 06/01/2020 07:22

I had an awful time and my MH spiraled at uni. I was so home sick abd depressed.

I really echo the suggestion of her moving back and commuting.

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 08:04

I mean this in the kindest way OP, but you and your daughter need to cut the apron strings, otherwise she's not going to be able to cope with 3 years of study, let alone her adult life.

It sounds like not a single week has gone by without her seeing either you or her father? She's not really at university then, she's visiting, do you know what I mean?

She's 18, she's an adult now, remember that. She needs to develop some resilience, self-sufficiency and coping strategies for life. Relying on you like this, and you feeding her reliance, is really not going to help her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

18 years old

AnnaMagnani · 06/01/2020 08:21

Look at it another way - she's gone out and partied with her friends, exactly what you were hoping she would do.

She doesn't do it that often so she got too drunk and didn't manage that well but which of us hasn't done that when we were young and started drinking.

In the days before mobile phones when we had to queue up for the phone box in halls, it's the kind of thing we would have never told our parents about because it was too embarrassing.

Has she made contact with student counselling or any other form of support that isn't you?

Minxmumma · 06/01/2020 08:26

Oh I feel for you. Uni with my eldest was soo much harder than the toddler years or the teenage hell.

Most important right now is she contacted you, I'd be more worried if she hadn't. As a pp suggested silly random messages, as well as support and all being well she'll come out the other end. Student support are usually good and can flag for tutors to keep an eye out.

My dm reminded me when I was fretting that this to is just a phase and it will pass much like the tantrums and everything else you grow through with your dc

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 08:38

Did you miss this bit Devereux1? It’s got nothing to do with apron strings or resilience.

She's suffered with depression for years now

My heart goes out to you OP. I had to drive to uni at 3am to collect my oldest, because he phoned me in crisis. He also finds it difficult to make friends, but he has ADD/Aspergers too, so that is more icing on the cake. I hope you hear from her soon and it was just the drink that had her behaving like that.

PaulGalico · 06/01/2020 08:45

I think that next time you meet with your daughter it is important to decide with her what she is going to do in the short/medium term. Stay at University and concentrate on her course (you dont mention how she is progressing academically). Or come home and get a job - not sure why you think she won't cope with a job. I am guessing she will decide to stay - if so, then as a previous poster suggests you need to keep support in place but step back with the visits. The danger is that your anxiety will fuel her anxiety.

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 08:54

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
Did you miss this bit Devereux1? It’s got nothing to do with apron strings or resilience.
She's suffered with depression for years now

No. Did you miss the enormous body of research and evidence which shows that depression in young adults is reduced with greater resilience and better coping strategies?

Trewser · 06/01/2020 08:58

Always better to wait until morning ime

Drunk calls at 3 would be a no no from me. Even the OPs dd said shes fine and will speak in the morning. Then why call at 3 paralytic and terrify your mum?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 09:15

Did you miss the enormous body of research and evidence which shows that depression in young adults is reduced with greater resilience and better coping strategies?

This isn’t about research and the only evidence the OP needs to be concerned with is the happiness of her own daughter. You don’t know her daughter, you’re not treating her medically or psychologically and you have no idea if that research in any way would work with this young woman. Try showing some compassion, instead of acting as if you know more than the mother of this young woman.

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 09:19

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
Ah yes, posters mustn't refer to evidence or mention anything proven in science to help, must we? No, just got to say oh dear, poor you and hope for the best.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 09:22

Gosh you really enjoy that smug superiority, don’t you? What a comfort you must be to those with mental health problem.

Spied · 06/01/2020 09:25

I'm thinking she sounds very young and immature ( not in a bad sense)
As a pp suggested would commuting not be viable for a while?

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 09:27

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
Gosh, you really enjoy harping on and on at other posters, don't you? Gosh, you really enjoy not liking real, proven strategies that could help the OP and her situation because they don't suit your personal narrative of your own life and your own children's behaviour, don't you?

What comfort you must be to those with mental health problems when you ignore all the actions and advice that can actually support them.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 09:32

What comfort you must be to those with mental health problems when you ignore all the actions and advice that can actually support them.

Unlike you, I use my knowledge of the individual person and their mental health difficulties in order to help them, rather than relying totally on text books. People are more than a ‘study’, but obviously you’re unable to see that. Nice dig about my children, though. Your kindness is just shining through there. I’m finished arguing with you, because there’s no point in arguing with someone so lacking in compassion and I’ve no wish to derail the OP’s thread further.

Wallywobbles · 06/01/2020 09:32

For many years I have helped 2nd year uni students go on work experience abroad. 2-4 months stretches. The ones that had the most difficulty adapting were those in daily phone contact with their parents. I know with my kids this is true too. So we limit contact to WhatsApps/texts etc. Calls are more occasional to limit the huge emotions.

I'm not sure this is relevant in your situation but for any parents in similar situations maybe it will be.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 06/01/2020 09:34

I hope you managed to get some sleep, OP and you’ve heard from your daughter.

Devereux1 · 06/01/2020 09:37

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
Unlike you, I use my knowledge of the individual person and their mental health difficulties in order to help them, rather than relying totally on text books.

Use your knowledge of them, to then do what precisely with them? Try anything that pops into your head? Try the latest bit of advice from Take a Break? Or might it be a good idea to try things which the mental health professionals know work, and actively suggest?

I can't believe you come on here and have a rant because you don't like the fact that building resilience and greater coping strategies is suggested to the OP for her situation. Your ad hominen attacks show you're very insecure, and your refusal to acknowledge what the mental health professionals suggest themselves shows you are very uninformed and for some bizarre reason threatened by good advice.

thesunwillout · 06/01/2020 09:47

Devereux1, you're lovely aren't you.

Op ignore. Keep supporting her, she's taken a big step even going to Uni.
I understand x

Trewser · 06/01/2020 09:52

I think it's important thst the OPs mental health is taken into consideration. Drunk incoherent 3am phone calls are pretty inconsiderate.

pleasenomorechocolates · 06/01/2020 09:53

I can sympathise OP, it’s awful DD hated her first year and was very depressed and anxious. She came home pretty much every weekend, and I’d often get texts from her in the middle of the night she couldn’t do it and needed to drop out. I’m not saying sticking it out is the best option for everyone, but exactly like a PP said, everything sort of clicked for her around Easter time. She never enjoyed uni (still says that now after graduating!) but like your DD she loved her course and I think she sort of just resigned herself to it and said right, let’s just power on through and get this degree.

pleasenomorechocolates · 06/01/2020 09:57

Also, I often see on this threads posters saying you should stop letting her come home to visit and try and decrease contact until she finds her feet. I can appreciate this may work for some people and make them more independent etc but I’d be cautious as I really do think it’d have been the last straw for DD if we’d attempted anything like this

Original poster

JustMyName · 06/01/2020 11:12

Thanks for all the replies. I did eventually sleep and I've had a message saying she slept too, she's hungover.

Please don't fall out over this thread. I know my daughter well. Yes, I want her to be independent, but we've had years of mental health problems including two (poorly) attempted overdoses, so I'm also very cautious and watchful. I'm very proud of her that she's got into uni, as she missed a chunk of school due to mental health problems.

She can't commute from mine as public transport is very poor and the journey would be over two hours long. She could commute from her dad's, and we have talked about it, but she doesn't want to at present, nor does he want it I think.

She has plans to share with a friend after the summer and I think that will help, as the corridor she's on at present is very quiet, they all seem to keep to themselves, which wasn't what she expected.

I don't hassle her to contact me, but I'm always here for her when she needs me. This is a new low and yes, obviously linked to being with family all Christmas and now suddenly alone. I just hadn't expected it.

I'm not going to stop her coming home if that's what she needs at present, but I don't demand she does. She has the freedom to do what she wants, to be independent, she'll take it when she's ready.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustMyName · 06/01/2020 11:14

The reason I said she may struggle with a job is she suffers with anxiety and she's said herself she'd struggle. Obviously one day she will work, but I'm not sure it would be better than uni at the moment. So I'm not saying she can't work, just it may not be a better option than uni right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustMyName · 06/01/2020 11:21

She hasn't contacted student support. I've encouraged her to do so, but I think I'll contact them myself
She's not had good experiences with mental health support over the last few years, it's been almost impossible to get any help and she didn't feel the ones she did speak to understood her.

OP posts:

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