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Original poster

Really nervous that as a same sex couple, we won't be accepted/welcomed into the village

63 replies

Mojitosinthesun · 04/01/2020 17:19

Hi,

We're hopefully moving to a new area, although it's still early days, so 🤞🤞 but unfortunately I can't seem to completely relax and look forward to it, as I'm worried that we won't be fully accepted into the community, as a same sex couple.

I'm sure this sounds ludicrous to most of you, but the reality is, we have had issues in the past and it's really knocked my confidence.

I really want to be part of the community, but I'm worried that that won't happen and before you know it, we've been there 5 years and don't know anyone.

It's not even full on homophobes that I'm thinking about (although that would obviously be awful) but just generally not being included.

It would be lovely to have neighbour friends, where we could pop round for dinner and vice versa, but I wonder if most straight couples prefer the dynamics of two men-two women. Again, this might sound crazy.

It's a mixed village, in terms of age groups apparently, but I also get the feeling it's quite a Christian village, which is another concern.

I understand I need to get out there and that people aren't going to come knocking, but I just need my confidence building up. It's been a bit battered, to say the least.

I desperately want to get on and enjoy life. I've been miserable where we are now, for several years.

Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated

TIA

OP posts:

WeshMaGueule · 04/01/2020 17:22

My mum's neighbours in her rural village are a gay couple and no-one turns a hair. I would think that if you're prepared to contribute to village life, people will be welcoming.

QueenofLouisiana · 04/01/2020 17:22

I’m really hoping you’re moving to my village as you sound great and I’d love some friends in my village. Sadly, I doubt this is the case (if you’re moving to Suffolk please PM me!).

Wishing you lots of luck!

SingingLily · 04/01/2020 17:25

If your village is in Wiltshire, no one will bat an eyelid. People are very accepting around here, although you will always get one or two who are difficult with everybody.

I really hope it works out for you and that you feel welcomed.

Foslady · 04/01/2020 17:30

If you’re coming to my village you’ll be made welcome with open arms, by both the heterosexual and gay couples we have living here along with the single gay people.
The only person that was ever ‘evicted’ from the village was the druggie that was found to be bragging that he’d bullied and extorted money from a vulnerable person.......it was suggested that we wasn’t welcome.....

lovemenorca · 04/01/2020 17:32

It will depend where

Are you able to give a general idea?

lovemenorca · 04/01/2020 17:33

* The only person that was ever ‘evicted’ from the village was the druggie that was found to be bragging that he’d bullied and extorted money from a vulnerable person.......it was suggested that we wasn’t welcome.....*

No one went to the police?!

Beamur · 04/01/2020 17:36

Good luck with your move!
It's easy for me to say, but if you're a good friend and neighbour then the kind of people you'd want as friends will respond in kind.
I live in an area which is known to be inclusive and easier for same sex couples and my own friends are a mix. The people my DH and I socialise with locally we've met through a variety of ways - work, neighbours, activities and so on.
Get involved and meet people.

madcatladyforever · 04/01/2020 17:36

I live in a lovely village and I'm a Wiccan and I don't try and hide it. My house looks like a museum of the occult. I'm asexual as well and don't hide that either. I have gay neighbours with kids and nobody cares. Maybe I'm lucky with my village which is a good mix of all types of people.

youkiddingme · 04/01/2020 17:36

All I can say, as half of a straight relationship, is that we too have found it hard to make as many friends as we like where we live. We've actually been here a long time and seen many neighbours come and go. I always say hello, offer a bit of spare produce from our garden to neighbours, as we often have too much, invite people around, pop a card through the door at Christmas. We get on ok with our neighbours, and chat over the garden walls fine, but have to travel a bit to see proper friends, our neighours generally seem to be too busy most of the time.
We are looking to move ourselves within the next year if possible so will have to start again anyway.
I wouldn't assume it's because you are a same-sex couple. Certainly wouldn't make a difference to me or my friends. Obviously I can't say homophobia has vanished, so I can see that worry makes things extra tough. But I do think it's harder to make friends these days whoever you are for some reason. I wish you a happy move and many new friendships. x

Dowser · 04/01/2020 17:37

If you are nice, reasonable people and won’t moan about the slightest little thing, like the previous couple who lived beside me..you’d be more than welcome.

I’m talking really serious stuff here..like my window cleaner walking in front of our joint connecting path under our windows.

Ithinkwerealonenowtiffany · 04/01/2020 17:38

My neighbours are gay. Lovely guys and no one bats an eyelid. Mixed ages up to 98 yrs old.

If they would mind well they are very narrow minded.

anunseemlylovefordustin · 04/01/2020 17:41

I moved to a little village a year ago that's also quite 'Christian'. I'm still pretty isolated, as a single parent I don't really fit into the normal mould of the village I think.

I do find that having dogs means I at least get to say hello to a few regular faces, but haven't quite managed to find any kind of friends or acquaintances here. I guess it's early days yet. Luckily I have friends elsewhere, but it would be nice to have friends locally.

I hope that you have better luck, people are much more open and tolerant nowadays so hopefully you should be fine. (And if you're moving to a little village 20 minutes outside Norwich, PM me )

IHateBlueLights · 04/01/2020 17:44

I live in a village. I'm pretty sure a few would raise their eyebrows but they would do that at almost any new people who weren't born in the village.

Most people wouldn't care, there already is a gay male couple and they are very popular.

milliefiori · 04/01/2020 17:44

Don;t make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy. There was a lesbian couple in a street my friend lives in. She chatted to them and they said people were stand-offish, so she said, 'We're not. Come for drinks!' and invited them round. they made excuses several times. They then moved into the bottom of my street. I ended up on a station platform with one of them late at night and we were chatting, then she mentioned her husband who I know is a woman (not trans - very old style middle-aged lesbians. I felt sad that she felt the need to lie, not knowing I knew who her partner was as I'd seen them around. I say hello and smile every time I see them but there are no overtures of friendship. It's as if they decided the village is unfriendly.

You probably will get some raised brows. We had people who wouldn;t speak to us because we were left wing. And church=goers who wouldn;t speak to us because DH is atheist even though I'm Christian. And others who wouldn't speak to us because I allowed my sons to wear pink fairy wings on dressing up days. So what? Lots of people had no problems with any of that. Be yourselves and that will quickly sort the good ones from the bigots.

MAFIL · 04/01/2020 17:46

Nobody would bat an eyelid in our village and it's a pretty conservative and traditional place. But anyone who shows up to community groups and events seems to be welcome. I think the secret of moving to a new place is to get involved in stuff. If you have children, they are often a gateway to making new friends but if not, have a look at what goes on in the local community centre and see if there is anything that grabs you. We found it quite daunting moving from a big city to a rural village at first, but once we but the bullet and turned up at a few things we discovered that anyone who is willing to contribute to the community is welcomed with open arms. Hopefully you will find it the same where you are. Focus on finding people that you have interests in common with, make a few good friends and show up to as many community events as you can and hopefully you will soon become part of the village.

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 17:47

If you are in England I believe you will be fairly included in village life, Moji.

PurpleDaisies · 04/01/2020 17:48

It’s a bit of a shame you’ve got such a low opinion of people who live in villages.

Yellredder · 04/01/2020 17:52

Seriously, am sure it won't be an issue at all! I live in a small village and nobody bats an eyelid at same sex couples. Our vicar is in a same sex relationship. Just get involved in village life and am sure all wil be well xx

formerbabe · 04/01/2020 17:57

It would be lovely to have neighbour friends, where we could pop round for dinner and vice versa, but I wonder if most straight couples prefer the dynamics of two men-two women

Well personally I'd prefer the dynamic of no neighbours coming round for dinner....irrespective of sexuality.

krustykittens · 04/01/2020 17:58

In terms of making friends, it really depends on where you live. I live in a part of the country that is known for being quite insular. Everyone is perfectly pleasant so I don't think they would be unpleasant to a same sex couple but they don't seem to mix with anyone outside their own families or that they haven't known since primary school. So there is that. Pick a place that has a good mix of incomers and you should be alright.

Littletabbyocelot · 04/01/2020 17:58

Just wanted to answer the question about straight couples and whether a 2 men, 2 women dynamic is better. One of our closest couple friends were a lesbian couple. The dynamic was if anything easier because while we probably had a natural split of me having more in common with friend 1 and dh having more in common with friend 2, we could meet up any combination of us and it would be just normal. Our straight couple friends there is a men friends and women friends vibe - if woman friend wasn't free I'd probably not 'tag along'.

BobbyBlueCat · 04/01/2020 18:00

If you're not made to feel welcome in a village, I can all but guarantee it has ZERO to do with your sexuality and all to do with the fact that you are simply newcomers.

Village life takes a long time to establish yourself in. But once you do, you're set for life.

CanIHaveADrink · 04/01/2020 18:04

It’s a bit of a shame you’ve got such a low opinion of people who live in villages.

I think that when you are in one group that is often looked down on (it couod be because of race, sexuality, nationality etc...) you tend yo have a diufferent outlook on things because youve been on the receiving end of bad experiences such as not being included. I know I have and certainly would not make the assumtion I would be included in village life.
Of course, when you are in the priviledge group, all of those look totally preposperous and it has to be people just having a low opinion of people rather than coming from their own experience....

Spacey306 · 04/01/2020 18:04

Me my girlfriend. Our kids live in a nice area, in a house joined to an old people's home. (Ex wardens house). I often worried alot of older generation people would say something or give looks. However they are so lovely, call us the girls, and often knock on if they have a problem with the TV etc. :)

SallyLovesCheese · 04/01/2020 18:05

We live in a large village, you'd be welcome round here no problem, as long as you're friendly! There's a lesbian couple who sing in the church choir, no-one is bothered by anyone else's sexual preferences. We're also good friends with a lebian couple who live in a village a little way from us and they've settled in just fine.

OP, I'm sure you'll find your new village welcoming!

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