Really nervous that as a same sex couple, we won't be accepted/welcomed into the village

[Mojitosinthesun]

Hi,

We're hopefully moving to a new area, although it's still early days, so 🤞🤞 but unfortunately I can't seem to completely relax and look forward to it, as I'm worried that we won't be fully accepted into the community, as a same sex couple.

I'm sure this sounds ludicrous to most of you, but the reality is, we have had issues in the past and it's really knocked my confidence.

I really want to be part of the community, but I'm worried that that won't happen and before you know it, we've been there 5 years and don't know anyone.

It's not even full on homophobes that I'm thinking about (although that would obviously be awful) but just generally not being included.

It would be lovely to have neighbour friends, where we could pop round for dinner and vice versa, but I wonder if most straight couples prefer the dynamics of two men-two women. Again, this might sound crazy.

It's a mixed village, in terms of age groups apparently, but I also get the feeling it's quite a Christian village, which is another concern.

I understand I need to get out there and that people aren't going to come knocking, but I just need my confidence building up. It's been a bit battered, to say the least.

I desperately want to get on and enjoy life. I've been miserable where we are now, for several years.

Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated

TIA

No problems for DP and I; it did occur to us that there might be, but it’s been fine. Our village is tiny, so there’s not a lot going on, and we don’t see other villagers very often.

We’re not church-goers, but have got involved with the local church by supporting events and ringing the bells. That’s probably helped.

Small Essex village dweller here. Sadly I think people gossip more about the single mother with 4 children who is always screaming at them (she needs support not gossip), the chap who wanders around seemingly without purpose and "looks odd" and the alcoholic woman. Oh and when the fair comes to the village.
The gay couple do tend to keep themselves to themselves but that's probably just their choice; they always say hello and smile, we just don't see them at village events and they don't have children (living with them).

Just to say good luck OP and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you 💐🤞

Village dweller in rural Hampshire here...I can't see that you'd have any issues at all around these parts.

Lots of Lib Dem voting types here and plenty of people who lived in towns but moved out to rural areas to have DC (like us).

DH & I wouldn't bat an eyelid about socialising with a same sex couple, DH tends to get on better with women anyway as he's a sensitive sole bless him.

Also feel free to PM if you're moving to the Hampshire / Surrey area

Loads of gay people in my village! However, I would say that it does take a lot of time to be accepted into village life whatever your sexuality. Get involved in some way - either through DCs school, get a dog, join a club or hobby... If I didn't have DCs I don't think I would have made any friends and I've been here 8 years! Neighbours are friendly but all at very different ages and stages (basically either quite old or couples with very young children).

It's 2020, this should not even be an issue.

Don’t think village life is the issue (have lesbian relatives who live rurally and enjoy village life to full). Remember though that some people just aren’t overly friendly/sociable (I count myself as one here!) so be wary of misjudging their desire for privacy or introversion for hostility or homophobia.

Depends on the village - they're all different.

My village is both quite friendly, and quite typical in English villages in that there are the real "organisers," the people who run the residents assoc, the fireworks display every year, and that sort of social stuff - and the people you don't know at all, who just commute for work, keep themselves to themselves.

Please don't be put off if you don't immediately slot in to village life, it can take some time. And if people are a bit standoffish at first, it's unlikely to be because of your sexuality - some people in villages have lived they're all their lives and are a bit weird with newcomers - but some aren't. Just take your time to find your people.

I live in a small rural village in Oxfordshire. The village is a mix of professionals and people who were born and brought up there and work on local farms. We have two gay couples that I know of, one male one female. Nobody gives a toss.

If they are proper Christians you have nothing to fear and they'll welcome you with open arms x

As PP have said a lot can depend on the village.

One village I lived in was picture perfect had all the amenities ect too. But once there I found it really hard to make friends and be involved, mainly because nearly everyone in the village had families that had lived there for generations upon generations. I found out that it was only 10 years previous to me moving there that a house was sold to a newcomer for the first time in the living memory of the village!

Other villages I've lived in, were more adapted to newcomers and it was a great experience.

You are far more likely to come across folks whose ancestors have lived in the village for centuries, and look upon anyone moving into the village with suspicion and treat them as outsiders forever more. You won't be considered a 'local' until you've lived there 30+ years, and sometimes not even then!

Don't worry about the Christian thing, most villages in England have an Anglican church and they are relatively relaxed about such things.

You sound lovely and I'm sure the village will be lucky to have you. It's just a case of getting involved in what's going on (is there a parkrun, Am-dram club, WI or whatever?). As an introvert, I'd be horrified by the idea of neighbours coming over for dinner tbh, but lots of people love that sort of thing. Maybe mention it to your neighbours when you pop over to introduce yourselves when you move in, if they take you up on your offer of popping over for a cup of tea then you've practically got friends already! I don't think there's an issue about dynamic of same sex Vs different sex couple friends. If you're going out as a group you don't think how many girls Vs boys are there, do you! Good luck.

I'm at right now. Partying hard with the new villagers

Will reply properly tomorrow, but for now, just wanted to say thank you so much for all the lovely replies. Means a lot x

*out

Hi,

Thanks again everyone.

We went to the local last night and everyone seemed friendly enough, but then it's not obvious to most people we're actually a couple. I guess we're not the sterotype, so often get mistaken for sisters (although we look nothing alike!) or friends.

It's a small village and other than the pub, community shop church and school, there isn't anything. No community centres etc. My DC goes to high school, but I guess I could still help out at the primary, with reading etc. I think if we had young DCs, I'd be a little less nervous, as that tends to be an instant 'in', in terms of meeting people locally. That said, we are considering extending our family

Having primary aged kids is a great way to get to know people. I'd lived in my village for years without getting to know anyone before having knowledge kids.

A pub, shop, church and school? why, that's practically a bustling metropolis

OP, won;t it depend on your interests? You'll make friends locally because you join the running/cycling/tennis club or make cakes for WI or do am dram etc. Going to the local is a good start.

Villages can be weird places, some just don’t like outsiders regardless of anything else. They can also be gossipy, well that can happen anywhere but you can’t ever lose yourself in a village or get away from it. I grew up in one so would choose never to live in one. I hope it works out for you.

I’m a Christian and you being gay would not bother me at all, I feel daft saying this as if I’m trying too hard but I have gay friends. well I have friends and a couple of them just happen to be gay. Just like they would say Mellivora is my mate, she just happens to be mixed race.

If you go to the village pub regularly you might build friendships there if it's that sort of place and you're outgoing.

If it's the kind of village where most residents have lived there all their lives you'll always be incomers though. It's nothing to do with sexuality, it's to do with not having been to the primary school yourself as a child and your child not having gone there either, and not being related to half the population...

Is your secondary school child going to the same secondary as the other teenagers in the village? Do they catch a bus? Are they making friends who live in the village?

My parents moved to a village the size you describe when I was towards the end of primary school and threw themselves with gusto into the church and through that found out there were all sorts of village fete committees and stuff. They made it work but for non church goers not prepared to become church goers (I'm pretty sure there are a fair number of fairly secular church goers who go for the community and simply never mention not actually believing) the pub's the only way. Ask around about whether village events happen, probably in summer - there's probably a summer fete at least - and volunteer.

I'd worry more about your child not finding local friends tbh, but that's because that was my situation - there weren't many local children and those there were were quite insular and mostly related to one another in some convoluted way. I also didn't go to the same school, which was pretty much the nail in the coffin. My friends were always a car ride away which sucks when you're too young to drive!

You really have to chuck yourselves into whatever is going on in a village to make friends, but whether that works out or not will almost certainly have absolutely nothing to do with your sexuality and everything to do with whether you actually enjoy and are willing to be an activive part of whatever community activities do go on. These will be limited in range but will exist.

I'd recommend joining the village FB group too, as events are advertised on there. (plus any moaning about parked cars and who keeps not picking up poo after their dog )

We're in a village. No one cares about the gay couples. Now Janice knocking boots with the fella from number 27 is a different matter! Or Sandra buying a new BMW car when the Provident woman is round her house every week and her husband has never been off the sick? Oooh you can bet the villagers talk about those!

But seriously, most villagers are actually quite nice. I'm an (ex)outsider who is at home in a village. Been here 17 years and it's as much my home as anyone else's. I have never heard any homophobic comments further than my in-laws living room but they're racists too. They don't voice their opinions outside the house though and MIL is even very protective of her gay nephew. (They're hypocrites to boot)

You’d be fine here. Teeny tiny village, the vicar is gay and lives with his partner. We have a local celeb who’s gay. 4 or 5 other gay couples, men and woman and a range of ages.

I’m the only veggie in the village. Cause for far more comment than who anyone lives with! But they’ve got on board with it now and offer a veg Christmas option for me in the pub