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Original poster

Do alcoholic husbands ever get better?

70 replies

Loopylou6 · 03/01/2020 20:51

1 tonic clonic ( grand mal ) seizure 6 months ago, and tonight I've found another hidden bottle. I can't cope anymore

OP posts:

AWaspOnAWindowReturns · 03/01/2020 21:02

Don't want to read and run. Sorry I can't offer any helpful advice. I hope someone with something useful to say comes along soon. In the meantime

TheReluctantCountess · 03/01/2020 21:06

Is he getting help from anyway, apart from you?

Original poster

Loopylou6 · 03/01/2020 21:17

He has the occasional visit from the hospital alcohol team, but always looks great when they arrive

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2020 21:18

Not often enough to bank on it.

And never if he's not actually trying to get help.

Can you leave?

AudTheDeepMinded · 03/01/2020 21:20

Time to walk away, he;s made his choice, now you make yours. Maybe if he hits rock bottom he's turn it around? But sticking around for him obviously isn't enough for him to change is it?

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 03/01/2020 21:22

I hate to dash your hopes OP, but not very often in my opinion/experience. In the end, I split up with mine, I just couldn’t go on any longer. And the honest truth is that life was better, even as a single mum with three children. Eventually I met someone else and have a very happy second marriage. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Sometimes love is not enough. Good luck.

Anjelika · 03/01/2020 21:31

I have to agree with Cosmos. I was in the midst of divorcing my alcoholic DH in 2015 but he seemed to turn things around and eventually I relented. What a mistake! 4 years on and we're back to where we were. He has just ruined yet another Xmas for me and the 3 DCs. He ended up in hospital on Boxing Day having fallen over and cut his head open whilst out. Still didn't stop him carrying on the moment he left hospital. In fact they didn't realise that the 3 Lucozade bottles he had in a plastic bag were mixed with vodka so he was probably still drinking whilst in there. It is a horrid horrid disease and the man I once loved and married has long disappeared. Get out whilst you can.

ShowOfHands · 03/01/2020 21:37

Yes they can change. My Dad has been dry for 14 years. He won't ever drink again I suspect. But he had to want to change and he needed a lot of support and medical intervention.

However, he is just one example. If you need to walk away, at least for now, then you are not a bad person.

RNBrie · 03/01/2020 21:42

My dad has been sober for 25 years and my parents are still together. But 2 of my siblings are alcoholics, one married and coping. The other makes jokes about not living to see another Christmas and no one laughs. Obviously no evidence that these things are connected but I wouldn't want my kids growing up in a home with an alcoholic.

DickAmbush · 03/01/2020 21:43

If he's already had one seizure, and he's still drinking, more will follow if he continues on the binge/cold turkey cycle. It's known as kindling - withdrawals caused by a binge/sudden stop drinking pattern, that worsen over time due to the changes that occur on a neurological level.

The next seizure could kill him. I survived 9 withdrawal seizures, by the skin of my teeth. My drinking was at horrifying levels.

He is risking death. If seizures aren't enough to stop him, for your sake, please leave. This will not get better unless he wants it to. Please protect yourself.

Junie70 · 03/01/2020 21:44

My grandad was an alcoholic, and died aged 60 of a massive stroke.

His two sons (my uncles) also both alcoholics. One dead at 47, the other suffered a massive heart attack and was lucky to survive... but he's not got any quality of life as a result. It did stop him drinking however.

There is rarely a happy ending.

Puffykins · 03/01/2020 21:44

DH has been dry for 8 years now - it was rocky getting to this stage, and it took me a long time - about 4 years - to learn to trust him again, and to believe that he isn't going to start drinking again. Up until then I'd panic whenever I couldn't get hold of him, and would never leave the children with him without back up.

It was worth it though - because I love him, and loved him still even when he was drinking (secretly - he had done his first stint in rehab before we got engaged.) I loved him despite his alcoholism, and had known him since we were children so I felt certain that we could get to the other side.

I also (now) don't drink myself. And we don't socialise with people who drink a lot.

The position you're in is hard. For what it's worth, I know that I made the right decision for me and us. Alcoholics are always 'in recovery' - but they can get there.

Original poster

Loopylou6 · 03/01/2020 21:45

@anjelika I'm so sorry for you.
Thank you lot for sharing. I could leave, but how do I go about it?
We're lucky enough to own our own home, dh has nobody apart from us. I could go council and ask for a flat? My dd is only 15 and studying for her GCSE's

OP posts:

Puffykins · 03/01/2020 21:48

Also, the last time DH was drunk was when DS was 1 and before DD was born - in other words, his alcoholism did not affect/ was not affecting them. I might have made a different decision if it had - I went to a couple of Al-Anon meetings which made me realise that I never wanted to raise children in a chaotic environment with a parent with addiction issues. I told DH that, in no uncertain terms, and that gave him quite a shock, I think.

Original poster

Loopylou6 · 03/01/2020 21:48

@DickAmbush what an inspiration you are. Hats off to you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Loopylou6 · 03/01/2020 21:51

Aw puffy
It's been 25 years, the last 2 have been trying. I can't eat, I feel constantly sick not knowing what I'm gonna wake up to, it's horrifying

OP posts:

Dapplegrey · 03/01/2020 21:51

Loopylou I am so sorry you’re going through this.
Can you go to an Al Anon meeting? You will find help and support from others who have experienced the same as you.

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/01/2020 21:51

My ex did not. He was detoxed twice and within a week he was back on it. He didn't really want to give up and that was the problem. It made him angry and violent. He never washed, cleaned his teeth and would go weeks without changing his clothes. The only alcoholics that ever stop are the ones that really really want to and are ready.

Puffykins · 03/01/2020 21:53

My last post sounds horribly superior. It's not meant to. I don't know how I would have gone about leaving him, whatever age my children had been. And I actually tried once, and drove 3 hours up the M1, before turning around because I was terrified he was going to drink himself to death.

He was so out of it he didn't even notice that I'd left.

DickAmbush · 03/01/2020 21:54

@Loopylou6 thank you x Recovery isn't easy, and I bitterly regret the hell I put my family through, but even my worst days sober are infinitely better than my best days drunk, if that makes sense.

Do you have an addiction recovery charity in your area? They're often very good for offering advice and support to partners and children of addicts and alcoholics, including help with applying for benefits and housing. They can also arrange counselling for your DD, who may well need it.

Puffykins · 03/01/2020 21:56

Oh goodness OP I remover that feeling so well. That pit of worry in one's stomach, never knowing what's going to happen, or what/ who I was going to find when I got home from work.

I also went freelance and now work from home, as does he, so we're together most of the time. To begin with it was like home rehab and I never let him out of my sight....

Sicario · 03/01/2020 21:57

I'm so sorry for you. Please leave, or put him out and change the locks. You cannot help him, and his alcoholism will destroy you and your children. You might be able to get advice from al-anon.org although you really have to put yourself and your children first this time.

I stayed and put up with the alcoholism for far too long. There's no fool like an old fool. It was the guilt that kept me there - what would happen to him and so on. I can't believe I was so stupid.

There is life beyond living with an alcoholic. You don't have to do this any more.

holly40 · 03/01/2020 21:58

I could go council and ask for a flat? My dd is only 15 and studying for her GCSE's

Since you own a property you wouldn't be eligible. Unless there has been domestic abuse.

Can he leave? Since he is the one who who has not got himself sober? So sorry you're going through this - and hope you find a way out for the sake of your own sanity. And for your children.

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/01/2020 21:59

Oh and my ex had a couple of seizures and despite knowing what that could mean it didn't stop him. He had alcohol services for a while and he lied through his teeth to them and his gp and said he had been either abstaining or had hardly any. When they left he was drunk within a couple of hours. I must sound bitter but I did everything I could to support him and I got abused in return. I know that some people with addictions can change but not a massive amount do. I did a uni placement at an alcohol agency and most clients didn't stop drinking.

Original poster

Loopylou6 · 03/01/2020 22:01

Thank you for your replies. Means alot.
@sicario that's exactly how I feel

OP posts:

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