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Original poster

Do alcoholic husbands ever get better?

70 replies

Loopylou6 · 03/01/2020 20:51

1 tonic clonic ( grand mal ) seizure 6 months ago, and tonight I've found another hidden bottle. I can't cope anymore

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 04/01/2020 20:15

Currently sat down here, trying to ignore his desperate pleas for me to go upstairs.

He sounds like a needy 5 year old. Ignore him. Find a way to get the hell away from him because as it stands you are wasting your life being with him. He may or may not stop drinking, but he'll always be an alcoholic and you will spend your life wondering if and when he'll fall off the wagon. Free yourself from that worry and leave him. Maybe it will be the catalyst he needs to sort his bloody life out by himself, as nobody else can do it for him.

AudTheDeepMinded · 04/01/2020 20:33

He can want you with him all he likes but if he can't demonstrate that he can be the man you actually want to be with, it's tough shit really! Why should you stay and suffer on his selfish. self-centred whims? And the weird behaviour may be brain damage from his lifestyle. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in this hell hole situation, clinging on to a naïve hope that he's see the error of his ways and change?

Original poster

Loopylou6 · 04/01/2020 21:04

He's just staggered to bed, falling everywhere, denying he's drunk, I've just told him it's over, I think im gonna go my mum and dad's

OP posts:

fantasmasgoria1 · 04/01/2020 21:41

It sounds like his brain is beginning to be affected. Read about korsakoff wernickes syndrome. My ex was beginning to experience this.

TheNavigator · 04/01/2020 21:52

My mums husband has Korsakoffs, alchohol induced dementia & alzheimers. He went for long periods dry - 10 years plus once, but has now fully lapsed and it is appalling.

So in my experience, they never get better. There may be periods of remission, but they usually get worse. Save yourself, you can't save him.

june2007 · 04/01/2020 21:55

Yes some do as do some wives. Again what has the gender got to do with it why not just say alcoholics. (I have personally know people who have.)

Debinaround · 04/01/2020 22:27

You have got to be lower than a snakes belly to reply on this thread just to have a go at the op because she put husband and not alcoholic person in the title.

Good plan about going to your mam and dads for a bit. He should be the one leaving though.

pointythings · 04/01/2020 22:31

Loopy he does sound very bad. My mum also developed alcohol related dementia and was just like you are describing him. I reckon it's too late for him.

My husband and I were together 25 years, I'd say 21 of them happy. The last 2 were hell.

You need to start disentangling yourself from this man. He won't change. There's only one way it's going to end for him.

pointythings · 04/01/2020 22:34

Oh, and June a quick Google would suggest that up to 20% of males have problematic alcohol use issues, but only 5 to 6% of females do. So it is much more likely to be a husband than a wife who is the alcoholic in the relationship. link here

rockingthelook · 04/01/2020 22:45

Sadly in my experience they do not, my lovely handsome kind husband changed, he went from one end of the spectrum to another,was happy, sad, depressed, dried out numerous times, then lied to my face so many times that he was drinking again. He came from a wealthy family, not all alcoholics are from a deprived background, they subsidised him rather than him being in the gutter. It broke my heart to divorce him, this was after much soul searching and him making myself and the children treading on eggshells, our money being frittered away, he eventually broke one of my bones, he was unrecognisable as the person I met. He died, alone aged 43, we've moved on, but our lives will never be the same, he broke us all in one way or another, I wish I could hate him but I don't, what a bloody tragic and sad waste

funmummy48 · 04/01/2020 22:55

My ex was an Alcoholic with no hope of ever recovering as he could not see that he had a problem. I changed the locks and packed his stuff in bags which I left on the doorstep. He passed away 13 years ago. In the meantime, I married a lovely man and had another child. Please don't let this man spoil your life and your daughter's life. The process of divorcing was tough but it was so worth it. Good luck to you! 💐

TheNavigator · 05/01/2020 09:05

Also, even when he's sober, he acts weird, sort of manic laugh, very forgetful, refers to things that happened a week ago, as yesterday, constantly dizzy, weak etc

This is classic alcohol induce brain damage symptoms. Depending on how advanced, it may yet be reversible - if he stops drinking through a managed programme. If he keeps going, it will become irreversable and you will end up as his carer. It may take him a long time to drink himself to death if his organs are strong and he has you to look after him, so you may be caring for an angry alcoholic with dementia for years. This is my mum's life. Yes, it has effected both her daughters horribly. But in the end, she chose him.

Anjelika · 05/01/2020 09:13

Rocking I totally know what you mean about your ex DH being unrecognisable - I feel the same about my DH. Thankfully he is never violent but the once kind, considerate person I first met has been replaced by (when sober) a grumpy, unhappy, isolated person and, when drinking, a lying chaotic mess. I need to get out of this mess. I know once he sobers up he will start making himself really useful - taking the kids to school, picking them up, cooking for them and doing whatever I ask him and it's so easy to just fall back into that. If only I could wave a magic wand and be divorced with me and the kids living on our own I would do it. We both own the house and past experience says he will not move out. The house needs a bit of work before we could even get it on the market so I know what a horrid, long drawn out process it's going to be.

LividLaughLove · 05/01/2020 09:25

I had to leave mine when I realised that no amount of desperate hoping and begging and trying on MY part could keep him sober.

Thought he might hit rock bottom and finally do it himself.

Sadly, it didn’t happen and he died at the age of 39.

Getting away from it myself was the ONLY thing I could do. I’m sorry. It’s not fair.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/01/2020 09:30

I have an alcoholic ex, he is a stain, a blight on our lives

Sicario · 05/01/2020 09:37

Hi OP.

I would suggest you get legal advice next week. Make it your Monday priority. You can commence divorce proceedings immediately on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour. Ask whether you can get him out of the house (I'm not sure) because living under the same roof is intolerable. With him not working, could be move out and stay with his parents temporarily?

You'll have to assume that he won't co-operate in the divorce. Potentially he will be incapable anyway because of the alcoholism. My XH became a major pain in the arse and the courts insisted that he get legal advice because he decided to represent himself and drove everyone round the bend.

Divorcing an alcoholic is messy, but you just have to roll your sleeves up and get on with it. Keep in mind that it will all be over with some time this year. The financial settlement will be decided by the courts but at least you will know where you stand, and from there you can start to rebuild.

Original poster

Loopylou6 · 05/01/2020 21:30

I'm still here and reading all your replies, I'm so sorry to hear how common this is, and how many lives have been affected. I'm drawing strength from you lot.
My dad dropped me home today and he was nearly in tears. I'm 37 and have only ever seen my dad cry once :(
I feel so sad inside and so lost

OP posts:

user1494670108 · 05/01/2020 22:19

Op, you have to leave, you have your parents for support but this is no life for you or your child

MrsAmaretto · 05/01/2020 22:53

Oh OP, these stories are so sad to read but they seem to have a lot in common - it's going to be hard but life will be better for you and your kids once you have split.

Having worked with people living with dementia I wouldn't have an alcoholic dementia sufferer in my children's home. You need to go get legal advice and hopefully be living somewhere else as soon as possible.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 06/01/2020 02:57

OP, I am so sorry. From your description, I think he's developing alcohol-related dementia.

I am not a professional, but I would assume at this point that he's not going to recover and a future living with an aggressive alcoholic developing ARD is very grim. I'm sorry to be such a messenger.

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