Do alcoholic husbands ever get better?

[Loopylou6]

1 tonic clonic ( grand mal ) seizure 6 months ago, and tonight I've found another hidden bottle. I can't cope anymore

Holly, he does get nasty

Thank you also, to everyone who has posted. I've read each and everyone one. And I'll continue to do so

It can happen, but it isn't the norm. My Dsis' DP is now 10 years sober, but it's taken a lot of hard work. The other two alcoholics in my life - my husband and my mum - are both dead. I put up with my husband's alcoholism for far longer than I should have because I clung to the hope that he would realise he had a problem and want to change. He never did.

Im coming to that sad conclusion too. We've been childhood sweethearts. I don't know the man anymore and I feel desperately trapped and so sad. If only we could rewind time

He won't change. This will only get worse. You will have become "conditioned" to living with him and his alcoholism, and you are quite possibly minimising how badly it has affected you and your family.

I felt terribly ashamed that I had put myself in that position and covered up for him, made excuses for his behaviour. Of course this was just enabling him, although it had never occurred to me.

I felt responsible for him and that it was my responsibility to look after him, even when I wished him dead because I just couldn't stand it any more. Hoping that he'd get run over or fall asleep in a ditch and die.

The only person who can save you from this recurring nightmare is you. The council won't help you. If he's abusive, you can call the police and they will remove him from the house which will at least give you breathing space.

Do please talk to any friends and family members about what's going on and tell them that you've reached the end of the road. It's hard, I know, but by bringing this nasty little secret out into the open, it will begin to unravel the mess. You will need lots of support. Sometimes it comes from surprising places.

My parents drank. It was horrible and I now get the fear of calamity when dh gets occasionally tipsy. 40 years later. You must put your DD first, which means leave. As a poster on another thread said (about an abuser, though not necessarily a drunk in this case) if he is taking up all your emotional energy worrying about what he'll do next, you are not paying emotional attention to her. My 15-year-old self is begging you to leave. Sorry to be blunt, but you cant help him, only yourself and DD.

Gosh - so many of us either currently or previously in this awful situation. It is lovely to read about the success stories and I guess I have clung in there in the hope that my DH would be one of these. He can go 12 months without a drink but rarely any longer and the absolute chaos it brings when he does drink makes me feel like I am leading a double life. Been to work today - he was supposed to be looking after the DC but I had to send them to holiday club - and had to lie through my teeth about the Xmas I had had. No-one would believe what my time off has been like. At one point he was so drunk he couldn't get his key in the door and then keeled over and was lying on the gravel for about half an hour. Fortunately you can't see our front door from the road but I was dreading a postman or similar coming to the house. This is no way to live. My DCs are now begging me to divorce their dad. I think we have all finally had enough.

Yes they can get better,but only if they want to.

I am an Alcoholic in recovery,nearly 17years.

I am now watching my son destroy his life,he is denying he is an Alcoholic,absolutely nothing I can do about it.He is on the verge of losing his family.

All I can do is support his partner and recommend al-anon.

Oh Angelika, that's awful for you and dcs. I think you know what you need to do. And you'll be free of covering for him, too

As the daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin of alcoholics I would say it’s incredibly rare.

And only if they truly acknowledge their addiction and accept a lot of help to do so.

And stopping drinking isn’t even the end of it necessarily, addicts can continue to have poor behaviour even if they quit using their poison of choice.

A dry drunk is no easier to live with than an active alcoholic.

You need to prioritise your own and dc’s well-being. This is the last thing a dc going through exams needs to be dealing with. Take it from one who knows!

There's the old saying that if you have a parent as an alcoholic you either marry one or become one. DH's mum is an alcoholic and so is he. His brother married an alcoholic.

My Grandad, Uncle and Mum were alcoholics.

I don't drink at all. Never have, but I fear for my children as they must be prone to addiction.

DH is a functioning alcoholic. He says that he will cut down what he drinks often but never does. I am the world's biggest fool for not spotting he was an alcoholic when we got together, and actually for a long time after.

So from my experience no, he won't get sober.

Thank you. Currently sat down here, trying to ignore his desperate pleas for me to go upstairs.

Your life can get better, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Al-Anon is brilliant for learning how to put yourself and your DC first.

I woke up thinking of you, OP. The hardest part is making the decision that you're not going to do this any more. I remember feeling a certain clarity at that moment, knowing that nothing would change my mind and that there was no going back.

XH didn't make it easy. He wailed and cried, pleaded, made promises, got angry, went through the whole gamut of bargaining then threatening. It was nothing less than I expected, but it was the best decision I ever made. The divorce was awful, but again, it was the price of my ticket out of hell.

He has continued to live like a parasite, turning on the charm to get a woman, lying and gaslighting, blaming everybody else for all his woes. I cut of all contact, many years ago for the sake of my children's safety and rebuilt my little family.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but I won't pretend that the tunnel wasn't long and pretty dark. You are in that tunnel now. This is YOUR LIFE and you are free to live it how you choose. I chose freedom. You can too.

You have to leave or he will take you down with him
No ifs no buts

He needs to leave.

My GM stayed with my GF despite him being an alcoholic. It ruined the lives of their children and the abuse they suffered affected how they had relationships with their partners and parented their children. So into the next generation.

Once he died she had a relationship with a wonderful new man - all of them wished she had met him years earlier and not wasted so many prioritising GF over her children.

You need to get rid.

In my dad’s case, no. Please remember that it’s not you it’s him. Unless he wants to fix himself he won’t. You need to think of your own life and happiness.

No, they rarely sober up and get dry.
Only a tiny minority quit for good. And that's only because THEY finally wanted to.

the rest just remain a bunch of chaotic selfish alkies.
And then they die of it, in the gutter usually.

It took my father reaching his mid seventies and finally deciding he couldn’t cope with the hangovers any more, for him to stop his heavy drinking. By then my poor mother was long dead , so she didn’t get to benefit.

I have the same problem in my family. My brother is an alcoholic and lost his wife and 2 kids through it but it was never his fault and everyone else was to blame. He has never held down a relationship and doesn’t have a home to call his own but he won’t admit there’s a problem.

My main anxiety though is my mum who was a terrible alcoholic. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of her attacking my dad in drunken rages and attending parents evenings embarrassingly drunk. She had pancreatitis and was told she’d be dead in a year if she didn’t quit. My dad and I managed to get her to go to AA and for 13 years she was sober. In this time my dad passed away but she didn’t turn to drink afterwards which led me to believe she was ‘cured’. How wrong was I

She started drinking again heavily and it was the most devastating thing when I went around the house and she was passed out on the sofa with an empty wine bottle on the floor. She fell down the stairs and started ‘dating’ a man 20 years younger than her who had a problem himself. She kept lying that she had quit but was drunk almost every night. Eventually I went no contact as she was causing me so much anxiety. I was no contact for 2.5yrs until just before Christmas when I got in touch. If I hadn’t done that she wouldn’t have got in touch with me as I believe she is quite happy with her life and being left to her own drunken devices but I felt it was something I had to do. I’ve seen her each Saturday for the past month but my anxiety has now kicked in again and I’ve come to realise that I don’t want a close relationship with her so will do it on my terms. Seeing her occasionally for an hour is enough for me. So, I used to think people could be ‘cured’ of alcoholism but the truth is that they can’t and the likelihood is they will revert back, it’s just a question of when

Speaking as the daughter of an alcoholic, no. I'm 35 and he's drank excessively my whole life, getting progressively worse but is adamant he doesn't have a problem

My Mum's Dad was an alcoholic then she married my Dad. My husband's Mum is also an alcoholic although not to the extent of my Dad

I don't drink at all, my husband drinks responsibly but I still fear my children will have a genetic disposition towards alcoholism

Leave him, for yourself and your children. Don't subject them to that life

I’m in a lovely happy marriage because my husbands first wife couldn’t give up.
I don’t know if my first husband was an alcoholic or not. Probably not in the traditional sense but he was a very heavy drinker and a nasty drunk to boot
He almost never drank at home..but as a business man he will have had little top ups some days..I dare say he popped to the pub on the way home.
Did it hasten his death..I don’t know..but he died of liver cancer

My dm husband was an alcoholic for many years, drink from the moment he got up till he went to bed or came back after several days of bingeing

All cane to a head n 2009 when dm kicked him out after an incident, told him not to come back

He went to AA and they recommended a drying out sober unit, took him a while but he became sober and 6 months later he and dm reunited and he didn't drink again even with a subsequent 3 bouts of cancer that he recovered from, which would of sent anybody to drink, but he became a counsellor himself and was like a brand new person and much happier

Sadly he died last year after tumours were removed from his lungs and infections set in leading to total organ failure

So it can happen that people can recover from serious addictions just have hope that the person wants to do it, only they can choose to get help

Oh wow. Thank you all for replying to me.
(@Sicario )
I know what I need to do, but it's soooo difficult, we've been together for 24 years, childhood sweethearts, 22 were pretty happy. I keep thinking maybe he'll change, foolish I know :(
The thing is, he has nowhere to go, the alcoholism has lost him his job, we have no income, we're living on savings which are quickly draining, it's such a mess, i feel trapped, he wants me with him 24/7

Also, even when he's sober, he acts weird, sort of manic laugh, very forgetful, refers to things that happened a week ago, as yesterday, constantly dizzy, weak etc