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Original poster

What to tell someone who is dying

63 replies

confuzzled42 · 03/01/2020 20:25

My mother-in-law is dying. DH is with her as are his brothers. She was moved to end-of-life care today after an exceedingly short (5 week) illness. She was incredibly fit and well and so this has come as a huge shock to us all, and indeed her. I want to tell her that she’s been an amazing mother-in-law and grandmother and that we will treasure the memories of the summer holidays we had with her and that we will all miss her horribly. But I don’t know what the protocol is for someone who is dying. I don’t know whether this is maudlin or not. I also don’t really know how to support DH who is 5 hours away from us. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:

Gibble1 · 03/01/2020 20:27

Tell her exactly that!
You love her and have made some amazing memories and it’s ok to thank her xx

caringcarer · 03/01/2020 20:32

Tell her she is an amazing mil and grandma and you will continue to keep her memory alive for children.

Joyfulincolour · 03/01/2020 20:34

I’m sorry to hear this OP. In my experience there are no rules so it’s best to do what feels right for you and your family. Say what you want to say so that you have no regrets. If you can’t say it yourself in person, could hubby say it for you? It might give you all some comfort in the days and weeks afterwards to know that you have been able to say/express this. We often say that the person’s hearing is still present towards the end so it could give your dear MIL comfort too. Advise your DH and brothers to keep talking to her and to share your wonderful memories.

GorkyMcPorky · 03/01/2020 20:36

jobbymcginty · 03/01/2020 20:38

My mum died in very Similar circumstances op. It's a huge shock at the end my mum couldn't talk as the chemo made her mouth bleed so bad. I told her myself and my boys adored her. She nodded later that day she slipped into a coma for 3 days before she died. So glad I told her

Eslteacher06 · 03/01/2020 20:41

I'm so sorry to hear this, especially with it being so short and at this time of year. Just say what you want to say (obviously nice stuff :)

I just lay next to my dad and we hugged as he couldn't really speak. I had never felt anything so pure. Hard to describe really.

But she will want to hear comforting words without a doubt.

Take care!

TheFaerieQueene · 03/01/2020 20:44

Take your lead from her. She might not want to talk about times when she is not with you as she might be scared. If in doubt, talk about good memories and how much you love her. Just be careful about discussing how you will feel when she has gone.

I’m so very sorry for your family.

Offredismysister · 03/01/2020 20:48

I nursed My father through his final days & I started to tell him similar when he was lucid. He told me he’d miss me very much & got a bit tearful, so I stopped. When he was unconscious I told him again, he died the next day. But as a pp said it brought me great comfort in the days that followed & still does now 5 years later.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/01/2020 20:50

I would talk about good memories not a future without her as she might be scared as a pp said. x

Original poster

confuzzled42 · 03/01/2020 20:52

Thank you all so much for your kind words and sympathy. I think you are right about just talking about good memories and telling her how much she is loved. I hate the thought that she might be scared although she has a strong faith so I hope that helps.

OP posts:

fastliving · 03/01/2020 20:54

I regret not telling my person that I loved them so much & I would never forget them, but in a way I had no idea how deeply I felt about them until they were gone, I regret not telling them that, I just hope they knew already.
I would tell her.

ListeningQuietly · 03/01/2020 20:55

Those who are close to death like to think its a month away
so joke about recipes
and hobbies
and skills
and amusements
you both know its lies but its very comforting lies

HeyMac · 03/01/2020 20:57

Can you go and actually see her?

Sexnotgender · 03/01/2020 20:58

I told my dying MIL I’d take care of her son and grandson and I thanked her for raising such a wonderful man.

She’d had a stroke and couldn’t communicate verbally but could make hand signals. It was a very special time.

Drum2018 · 03/01/2020 20:59

Is she aware that she is near the end of life? If not I wouldn't say too much apart from how much you all love her. If she is aware then by all means talk away to her about the memories etc. My mother was dying but we didn't actually get a chance to talk about the fact she was dying as it happened so fast. I didn't want to get all maudlin and frighten her. Her last words that I could make out were 'I love you' - a wonderful memory from a traumatic few days.

Ohyesiam · 03/01/2020 21:00

I think that is exactly what your mil will want to hear. Just tell her anything heartfelt that you really mean.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/01/2020 21:02

Yes, do tell her how much she means to you. If you can, also reassure her that you will support her as much as you can. I'm awful in this sort of situation, but recently a relative of MrCarpet told him that he would die soon (he was right about that) and I didn't know how to react. Mr carpet just said "Yes, I know, and I will be with you as much as I can". It was obviously the right thing to say and his relative was very relieved.
If your MIL is religious, could you offer to arrange a visit from her priest/rabbi/other religious leader? Our relative was a priest himself so we were almost tripping over clergymen, but to a lot of people having the last rites of their faith performed is important even if they don't think to ask for it themselves (and may worry about being a nuisance).

Copperleaves · 03/01/2020 21:03

I think you could talk about something great from the past without making it clear you were saying you'll treasure the memories when she's not there - could say "I came across a photo the other day from that trip to Cornwall, remember how much we laughed when it starting raining that day? We'd a brilliant time together" - I think that's a more subtle way? But there's no perfect thing to do or say. I thought I'd have deeper conversations with my DM when she was dying but we didn't really. I tried to keep her cheerful really rather than telling her anything too deep.

Horriblehhenrietta · 03/01/2020 21:04

That you love her, and remember even if she seems unconscious she may be able to hear you.

sirmione16 · 03/01/2020 21:05

Perhaps a letter might be better if you feel its an awkward conversation. Open with something like I just felt I needed to tell you these things during this time and I'm writing them down so I can cram them all in and not forget anything.

Original poster

confuzzled42 · 03/01/2020 21:05

I’m not sure I can actually go to see her. We are 5 hours away by car and I don’t think it would be beneficial for either her, DH or the DC to haul them up to see her. They are 9 and 11 and have said they want to remember Granny as she was not to see her looking very ill. That said, if she is still alive next week I will go up to see her and ask my parents to come down and look after the children for 24 hours.

She is still fully compos mentis and is aware that she is terminal. None of us have any idea how long she has left. I am hoping to speak to her on the phone tomorrow if she’s not too tired.

OP posts:

Copperleaves · 03/01/2020 21:07

She might not want the dgc to see her. But if you can go to support your dh for a while that would be kind I really needed someone to support me when I'd been supporting her, iyswim.

ParkheadParadise · 03/01/2020 21:07

I was with my mum for days before she died. I told her I loved her. One thing I regret is telling my mum tell dd I love her. My dd had died 2yrs before we didn't tell mum as she had dementia. I can still remember her looking at me with total confusion she did squeeze my hand.
Sorry you are going through this op its so hard .

ohwheniknow · 03/01/2020 21:08

Rather than telling her how much you'll miss her, maybe tell her you'll never forget her/will always remember her.

When my mum was dying she was frightened and distraught about leaving us and not being part of our lives anymore. She seemed to take comfort from explicit reassurance she would always be in our hearts and we would never forget her, but also from seeing our emotions - us crying with her rather than hiding it and her being totally alone with her distress.

I would say don't be afraid to cry together as a result of sharing important thoughts and feelings (like how amazing she has been to you in your life and the treasured memories). It's a way of being connected and close, and is comforting in an unexpected way. It also helps afterwards to know you took the chance to say the things you never really thought to or got around to before.

Towards the end when she was suffering we also reassured her she could let go when she'd had enough and didn't need to keep holding on. That we wouldn't forget her or hate her for leaving us. That we loved her.

What was right for us, may not be right for you all, but I just wanted to give you a snippet of my experiences in case it's useful.

Take care. There's no rule book for this, just do what seems right in each moment

CoffeeRunner · 03/01/2020 21:09

I work on an elderly care ward and have also lost my own parents.

With my parents I told them I loved them, would keep their memory alive always & that it was OK to fall asleep now if they were tired.

With patients I tell them everything is OK, and that they can fall asleep without anything to worry about.

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