What to tell someone who is dying

[confuzzled42]

My mother-in-law is dying. DH is with her as are his brothers. She was moved to end-of-life care today after an exceedingly short (5 week) illness. She was incredibly fit and well and so this has come as a huge shock to us all, and indeed her. I want to tell her that she’s been an amazing mother-in-law and grandmother and that we will treasure the memories of the summer holidays we had with her and that we will all miss her horribly. But I don’t know what the protocol is for someone who is dying. I don’t know whether this is maudlin or not. I also don’t really know how to support DH who is 5 hours away from us. Any advice gratefully received.

When my wonderful grandad was dying, I went to see him one day, fully with the intention of telling him everything that I wanted to about how much I loved him. I lay with my head on his chest, holding his hand for over an hour. I told him about every wonderful memory he had created for me. How he had shaped my life and that of my children's. He had a poem he always told me from I was a baby, and we said it about 10 times. I can remember every word of that conversation and 3 years on in my grief, I often replay it and it gives me such comfort.That is truly the most precious hour of my life so far. He also told me then that I was the only one to speak so openly about him dying. Everyone else was very much, trying to keep spirits up etc. Yet he needed to talk about it, it needed acknowledgement. Tell her everything you want to. Have no regrets.

The idea of "no regrets" is actually impossible. Grief will make you regret lots of things. You might always feel you could have done more/said more.
Lots of people have no idea a loved one is about to die. It doesn't mean those people died feeling unloved just because no one said it to them right before.
Make the effort to reach out in love OP but otherwise don't overthink it.

(That sounds flippant but I hope you can see what I'm trying to say)

Tell her everything she needs to hear from you. 💔

@ButiLoveHim32 My mum died just 6 weeks before we found out he was ill, what we thought was dehydration and him grieving for her was actually Terminal cancer that had never been known about. He was told he had a tumour but his mental health after just losing his wife of 42 years was very fragile and the consultants suggested we not tell him the hard facts, unless he actually asked. As it was, he died 4 weeks later. I think he probably knew deep down at the end, but would have been protecting me as he always had done.

@ListeningQuietly well spoken

Lovely advice here OP. I just had one point, you said you want to say something like:

she’s been an amazing mother-in-law and grandmother and the only thing I would say is to use the present tense. So, she is and amazing MIL and grandmother.

I’m sure you would anyway.

hotpink thanks for answering. I can't imagine how hard it was to lose both of them so close together copperleaves I see where you are coming from but just meant have no regrets about telling her those 2 specific things. And I would never at all mean someone was unloved because people didn't say it. Sorry if that came across wrong, truly wasn't my intention.

It totally depends on what she knows, her awareness and what she wants to pretend, basically.

You do not have to say aloud anything you feel. You can get your message across without that if you think that's more fitting. Often times the situation will present itself, as pp says. So come in quietly cheerful, with a photo album or whatever without it being a This Is Your Life scenario. That can open the conversation and even if it doesn't, laughing about the time her icecream fell in the sand will spark fun and warmth and the opportunity to squeeze each others hands. She will know. And you will know if you need to / she needs you to vocalise.

A very big regret of my life is saying something too explicit to a dying loved one. He didn't want to face it at that time. (Though he did, with strength and dignity (and faith - he saw his mum coming for him in the end)).

I wrote a card reassuring FIL that I would take care of his wife and son and that his wife would be taken care and financially emotionally and practically ( ie admin) , I just wrote what I would want to hear if I was the one dying. Lots of reassurances snd love , I then wrote separate but similar one to his wife reassuring her that she has done all she could and had been a great wife etc I poured my heart out and said what I couldn’t say face to face as it was too awkward and It felt inappropriate every time I had the opportunity ... but a card can be kept and read again and again
I also recorded my voice to be played into his ear but sadly he was probably too drugged at that point
Please do not delay visiting or taking action because you will regret it if you don’t xxx

My beloved father dropped dead 7 years ago. I wish I had words to speak to him. Or he might be involved in the boat.... ....?

Oh god, the boar, not
moan! you need to go home etc

Thank you again. Yes - good point on present tense @Smelborp. @Copperleaves - that is helpful in its own way actually and didn’t sound flippant - thank you.

Sorry I can’t respond to everyone individually but it has been very helpful and moving to read all your experiences.