What to tell someone who is dying

[confuzzled42]

My mother-in-law is dying. DH is with her as are his brothers. She was moved to end-of-life care today after an exceedingly short (5 week) illness. She was incredibly fit and well and so this has come as a huge shock to us all, and indeed her. I want to tell her that she’s been an amazing mother-in-law and grandmother and that we will treasure the memories of the summer holidays we had with her and that we will all miss her horribly. But I don’t know what the protocol is for someone who is dying. I don’t know whether this is maudlin or not. I also don’t really know how to support DH who is 5 hours away from us. Any advice gratefully received.

confuzzled
In your situation I'd suggest a voice only call (skype / FB whatever)
and just witter bilge with her
as that is what she wants
and your kids and you need

half an hour with gaps holding a cuppa at home will be much better than a huge round trip of stress
for her
as well as you

My mum just dropped dead so I never got to tell her how much I loved her and what a great life she gave me. But I'm sure she knew how much we all loved her.

I think you should take a lead from the family as to whether she is accepting and fully aware of the time she has left. But in any case, I would just spend time talking about all the lovely memories you have, laugh, smile and chat about the best things of your time together. Tell her how important she has been to her life and how much its meant to you. You can do that without necessarily saying thats she's dying or that her memory will live on - you don't need to do that.

I visited my ex MIL over Christmas who is very old and disabled now. She might go at any point - but I have no need to refer to that. It was nice to just say how important we are to each other, our love and happy times together.

Tell her. Don’t regret anything you wish you had done or said. Take care

This is exactly what happened to my lovely mother in law. We all made a point of telling her how much we loved her. My hubby told her what a wonderful mother she’d been. I told her loving and supportive she’d been to me. It’s not maudlin at all. I’m sure anyone would find peace knowing they’d been loved and cherished before they died. I’m sure you’ll all find it comforting to know that you’d been able to say those things. My son was 6 when she died. We made a memory book for him full of photos and cards she had sent him over the years. He’s 21 now and really cherishes it. I hope her last days are peaceful 💐

So sorry you and your dh are going through this op

This website might be of help. It has been put together by the RC church but contains useful info for everyone.

First (sorry if this sounds too obvious) it's best to check how much your mil knows about her own illness and prognosis. If you can be present, and having been through it with two sets of parents, I would say, tread very lightly, don't go rushing in (however well intentioned) just sit alongside and be there and ask open-ended questions such as "how are you feeling" or "is there anything I can do for you or is there anything you would like to talk about?" and take your cue from her as to how much you feel it is appropriate to say.

It's not maudlin at all. Death is part of life

If you can't be there, maybe a card might be a good way of communicating what you want to say; again, checking first with your dh what he thinks is appropriate. I say this because my late mother was very vocal and specific and discussed death openly. My father though, knew he was dying, and we knew he knew, but he didn't want it discussed openly. Everyone copes differently.

Ways of helping your dh could include listening, picking up the practical slack at home while he is away, doing his chores and and lifting the load a bit, and maybe getting the DC on side so they don't demand too much of him ATM, and of course, feeding him well. Maybe making a Dundee or ginger cake or frozen dishes he and his brothers can eat when they have a moment. If you can be present, offering to sit with your mil while they take a break? You are already helping by keeping the home fires burning.

My wonderful FIL became very ill very quickly. We had seen him with the kids at Christmas, and soon after discovered he was terminally ill.

We made the decision not to take the kids to see him - he was in a lot of pain and also had dementia, meaning he struggled with lots of people around. DH spent almost every weekend with him (400 mile round trip) and I was able to visit a couple of times. I just talked to him as always. He died in the April.

The kids now talk really fondly about the last time they saw him and the jokes they made. He was on good form that day. It was completely the right thing to leave those good memories and spare them from the painful ones.

It will be four years in April and I still miss him every single day 😢😢

Sorry op. On ancient tablet so that took me a long time to write. I see that your mil is aware of her prognosis. Agree with pp that gauging gently how much she wants to discuss it/confront is still a good way to proceed, which is admittedly harder to do from a distance.

When one of my close friends was in his last days I sent him a year by year set of memories from the wonderful holidays we had shared together. His wife said that this helped her as she was able to read it to him and talk about the holidays. Maybe something similar with memories that those who are there can chat about.

Please tell her, it will always stay with you if you dont.

What I'd want to hear if it was me -

How much I am loved.

And that there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

We had this last year with FIL, 8 weeks in all, brain tumour, awful. We took an iPad to him with recordings from the kids and their videoed messages - just giving updates of what they'd been up to at school etc. Showing photos on the iPad was also good and positive, gave purpose to the visits. My DH Did make a point many times of saying that he loved him and what a great dad and granddad he was ....we hope this brought some brightness and comfort to his tough last days. Sorry OP, it's incredibly hard I know. Stay strong. 💐

Sending you and your family heartfelt hugs at such a difficult time, (((xxx)))
Loving reading that your experiences and memories of your Mother-In-Law are all so happy. That's exactly what she needs to hear. I guess we all need to feel our lives have been well spent as we're about to leave much-loved ones behind.
Anything kind and heartfelt would be protocol I guess. It's no time for previously unspoken hurts as nothing can be rectified now. (I know this doesn't apply in your case, but it may for others reading the thread.)
I have stage 4 cancer, so yes, in theory, I'm 'Dying.' However, I look and feel well and am in no pain. My cancer spread includes my lungs, so when I go, it will probably happen quite quickly when an infection for example takes hold.
I'm well aware of this, but not sure DH, our grown-up children and grandchildren are...
I've made sure they all know exactly how much I love them, how proud I am and how much happiness I've found in our memories. We spend time making memories now, while I'm well and we can.
I don't want them to weep at my deathbed, (Or even rush to it,) If it gets to the point where I'm quite ill and 'Out of it,' I'd want them to reminisce all the happy times

Does this help?

The thing you have do for your DH are facilitate his visits and journey as much as you are able to. Deal with the home and admin....free him up to visit his mum as much as possible. Then just listen and comfort him. Have good meals ready too...hospitals and getting food for visitors is hard. Book hotels for him if you need to. Help him at this very tough time. He may need bereavement counselling later on, this kind of passing is sadly very distressing for family.

Yes do say whatever heartfelt things you feel you want your dear mum in law to know at this sad time.
My children drew cards and pictures for my Dad , that he asked to be put on the wall, and he often would look at those pictures and cards and smile in the last few days before his death.

He died surrounded by his family ,myself and Dh, Dd, Ds1, Ds2, Ds3, Ds4 my sister and her Dh and their Dd, and my brother we were all with him through his final hours just taking turns to be in the room and hold his hand and chat.

Have a look at Winston's Wish. It's a charity to help children come to terms with a parent being terminally ill. Some lovely ideas that might work for your children to communicate with their Granny. It might also help you to support your husband as he is the one losing a parent.
Don't be afraid to say something kind. You won't get many more chances.
My Mum died nearly 4 years ago and had complicated health/cancer/dementia stuff going on but shortly before her death she looked at me and said very clearly how much she loved me. I'm in tears just writing this but it was a very touching moment for me and I am comforted by those words.
Thinking of you all.

My mum couldn’t respond, or open her eyes, but she could hear us. We took boxes of photos in and described them to her, then reminisced.

She was like that for several days before she slipped into complete unconsciousness, so we all had private moments with her too. I would stay at the hospital overnight and reassure her I was there. I played her songs that she’d sung to me as a child, and told her I loved her. I didn’t talk about her dying, or missing her when she’d gone though.

I’m really grateful to have had that time with her.

Lots of love to you and your family.

You can also help your DH to have a conversation with his Mum at the right point about where she might like to be after hospital - return home with Macmillan or care elsewhere. If she has wishes, it's important to find out what these are whilst you are able and to reassure her that everything is in hand, nothing to stress or worry about.

Thank you all so very much for sharing your own experiences- it really does help. It feels very hard being so far away. I have no idea when DH will be home. He’s staying in MIL’s house along with his Aunt (with whom he is close) so they are all there for one another which is good. He is struggling though, which is understandable. I will check out bereavement counselling - that’s a good idea.

@grannybiker - I’m sorry for your situation. I’m glad your well enough to be spending good time with your family.

@Tinkobell- she was moved from hospital to end-of-life care in a facility today. She is very relieved not to be in a busy, noisy ward now. I am hopeful this will make her time more bearable.

Actually made an error and added a Ds4 but there are only 3 Ds and Dd. But not important to your question.

Agree with others, Everything that feels right to your family is what you should do.

Talk to Dh and ask what he would like It will be breaking your heart confluzzled seeing your Dh so very sad. Sending you love and strength to show love when everyone is feeling sad and scared.

@confuzzled42.... very best of luck! It will be one of the hardest times in your lives, it was for us. I know when DH looks back he was very glad for the time he got to spend with his Dad, 3 hrs away. In everyday life, I'd huff and puff if DH is away for long periods, but I didn't then and encouraged him to just go and see his Dad whenever he could. It's 12 months on now for us and grief is a funny thing, often delayed. My DH is only just starting counselling now, your DH will know when he needs to talk it out in private. It was our kids that also found the death hard to deal with, it had a big impact on their lives. Life moves on and lovely lasting memories will in time replace this mercifully brief period of loss. Talking therapies for these situations for all the family if needed are very helpful. Best of luck and stay strong.

This is not what you asked about, but I wish I had thought of this when my father was dying ... friend told me how she got her father (at end of life stage) the audio books of some of his favourite childhood books. And that he had got real comfort from them. If your MiL enjoyed reading, this might be something she would enjoy.

I. So sorry.
I had a phone call out of the blue from my dear friend of 60 years husband to say she was having end of life care
I wrote a letter telling her how much I loved her, what a great friend she’d been, how we’d never fallen out in all that time etc
Dh drove round and posted it..and it was read out to her
She passed away the next day 😢

If you find it hard to say write it down

🌹

We chose not to tell my Dad he was dying, although who knows if he knew or not towards the end - but it meant I was unable to tell him everything I wanted to, because I wanted to protect him from finding out. I have no doubts whatsoever that both of my parents knew how much I loved them when they died. It's difficult

Out of curiosity hotpink why was he not told? If you don't me me asking. Have a similar issue at the min in a close friend's family.