16 year old thinks she rules the roost.

[shuuush]

16 year old thinks rules don't apply to her since she got a part time job (she's still in college and works part time).

She's working tonight and just announced she isn't coming home after work she's going to a mates. I wouldn't mind if she had asked but she's just spring it on me as she was about to leave. Then when I asked who I got a load of abuse and off she flounces.

Another example is this morning she had her hair straighteners laid straight on my coffee table I told her to move them as she would scorch the wood and got told to fuck off then when her dad told her she had a full on screaming tantrum about how evil we were and just wanted to start on her.

I can't change the WiFi she has unlimited data and she has her own money from working.

I'm just fed up and feel powerless to prevent her doing whatever she wants while treating me and her dad like shit on her shoe.

Sorry, yes I see your clarification about going out: it isn’t acceptable to talk to you like that or go anywhere at all hours without letting you know where she is going.

But it’s all such a delicate stage.

I would not go into a ‘regime’ of consequences.

They are so full of themselves, pride at getting a job and income and drunk on independence, terrified of growing up and losing the protection of Mum and Dad, in some their frontal lobes (or something) are literally making it impossible to control their (unreasonable) emotions.

Be very calm, pretend to treat her like an adult, whilst also giving her the reassurance you would give a toddler.

Congratulate her in her job, ask about her achievements, tell her she will always be your little girl even when she is prime minister , you trust her to be sensible and make good decisions but will always want to know she is safe, that’s how families are.

They come through it. Just stay calm and de-escalate.

Time for her to move out?

I always think, what would you do if it was a friend the same age as you?

If my friend told me to F-off the natural consequences would be that I would no longer be available for lifts, cash, sewing, laundry or any other request.

As she’s a teen, restrict those to the next 3 things she requests. Each one a NO.

No I’m not giving you a lift, no I’m not finding your shoes, and so on.

Works a treat.

@GreenTulips

I agree with you.

Teenagers naturally want independence but they want it with all the comforts of home.
I know they can be cranky and hormonal, but to think that telling their mother to Fxxx off regularly, is not going to blow back on them is not good.

Making it very very clear that their are consequences to such behaviour is a valuable lesson for them to learn.

Why shouldn't children be taught consideration and kindness towards their parents. Parents are not robots.

I know we have to shake off a lot of stuff.
But I for one won't apologise for not accepting being spoken to by anyone, the way the OP has been spoken to by her daughter.
Much less my child for whom I do so much for.

Michael Carr Gregg wrote a book called princess Bitchface that deals with teenagers and their behaviour.
I have heard him speak and he is very practical and entertaining.

Thanks all. She's just sneaked in at 4.10am.
I haven't argued with her or spoken to her but I've already heard her call me a stupid cow to her sister (who she woke up to let her in).
So basically what she's done is lie that she was going to a mates and stayed in the pub for a lock in until this time then walked home alone.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Classic!

Teens eh.

Why should she have given you advance notice of her plans?

Because she's a kid, lives at home and it's good manners?

Jesus have we really gone from an insolent teenager to implications she's on cocaine 🙄 only on MN

I used to manage a bar with lots of young staff members. Definitely not only on MN.

Blimey I have teens 19, 16 & 13 and none of them would ever talk to me like this. I am with you OP and think any parent who let's their teen (or anyone else) talk to them or treat them disrespectfully to be insane.

My 16 yr old knows I just want to know where she is for safety reasons and always checks in (as we live by a big America city) when she is out with friends. No way would she be out until 4am without me knowing where she is.

OP perhaps YOU should read your own thread. (No disrespect intended) as what you said about her going to her mates was “I wouldn’t mind if she had ASKED”. You then go on to say you’d be ok if NOTICE had been given.

People aren’t saying you won’t let her go to her friends, the point is that she has to ASK not TELL you that she is going out. That’s the point Im making anyway!

Why should someone who is working have to ASK to see her friends? What’s that all about?

It’s a higher level of control than is needed for a 16 year old?

And then you go in to say it would be ok if she’s given you “notice”. Why? What difference would it have made? Was it because you’d put a large dinner in to cook and it’s wasteful? Or because she expected a lift in your car and it didn’t suit you? Or because you’d have had more time to worry and put measures in place in case anything happened or something? What do you mean?

I honestly think you are treating her like a child. And you don’t realise it. She’s swearing because of her hormones and because she doesn’t know how to earn your respect and be treated like an adult. Tell her how, and follow through with more trust. And less lifts/washings etc.

No disrespect intended, I feel her teenage angst and I don’t want her ending up like me, leaving in frustration at not being allowed to grow up, and subsequently making some regrettable choices.

@Elieza because she didn't finish until 12.30am and she's 16. If she had told me before hand and told me where she was going she I would have been fine. As it happens she knew she was in the wrong and was going to be staying in the pub and Walking home alone at God knows what time.
She's 16 of course I want to know where she is and who with I don't stalk her I just want to know she is safe or should I just leave her to hang around with older bar staff who think it's ok to encourage her to drink after hours then leave her to find her own way home?

Any thanks for spending your NYD picking apart my thread - hope it made your morning 👍.

And yes notice should have been given I don't mean days in advance but maybe a couple of hours before her shift as myself and her dad didn't have plans so one of us could get her home safely as we knew getting a taxi would be a nightmare NYE.

I honestly think you are treating her like a child.

She is a child. Having a job as a potwasher doesn't change that. She's still a child.

at PPs!! She is a CHILD, I can't believe some of you let your 16 year olds come and go overnight with no idea where they will be. I think that's absolutely shocking.

OP you sound entirely reasonable. I'm not sure what my advice is but I do agree with others who say stop doing things for her - she can do her own laundry, cooking, getting places.

Yes I would cut the plug off. As a previous poster said, if I was told to fuck off in my own house for asking someone not to put straighteners on a wooden coffee table or any surface that could be damaged, or had the potential to be dangerous then yes.

Though it sounds like the OP has general lack of respect to deal with anyway

I can't believe some of you let your 16 year olds come and go overnight with no idea where they will be. I think that's absolutely shocking.

Some parents are lazy. Under the guise of 'letting them be independent/trusting them blah blah blah which, of course, you can still do while being a decent parent to your 16 year old child.

Alaska That's it, blame the parents! Do you, or have you, had a 16 year old? It's a minefield and the OP was asking for advice. If she is lazy she wouldn't have posted on here.

Wow OP. I clearly hit a nerve there!

Just trying to give you what could very well be her side of the story. Which I would have thought could be one if the reasons you are on here.

Where in your thread does it say she was working in a pub til after midnight?

It doesn’t.
How should I have known that?

You said she’s a pot washer and you didnt want her roaming the streets after midnight. I presumed she be getting out at 9pm or something and heading out with friends as you didn’t specify. Not deliberately trying to pick apart your post, honestly.

Getting out a pub alone at gone midnight I can see why you would be worried. No need to be nippy with me though. I am genuinely trying to help.

PS you can get married and have a baby at 16 in Scotland. Frightening isn’t it, as your brain isnt fully developed until you’re aged 25 approx. So up here she is considered an adult in some respects. Not in others though. But she will think and feel she is an adult. It’s a difficult time.

I think you sound very reasonable OP and like a lovely caring Mum. There are some horrible antagonistic fuckers in here.

Wow there's some cool parents on here.

I am VERY laid back, and have a 16yo with a job.
If my 16yo had said they were off to a friends after work (at 12.30am nye or not) and my "which friend?" was met with me being told to fuck off and storming out then I'd have been at that bar waiting to pick them up at closing.

@Carpathian2. What on earth are you talking about? Surely you understand from my post that I think the OP is the very opposite of lazy because she doesn't let her 16 year old child go wherever she likes. She is clearly a very caring parent. The lazy ones, in my opinion, are the ones who let their 16 year olds do what they like and have no idea where they are. I thought my post was quite clear.

And yes, I have a 15 shortly to be 16 year old.

Absolutely no question those straighteners would be in the bin.

crochetandshit it's possible that some of the people on here aren't parents at all.