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Original poster

16 year old thinks she rules the roost.

81 replies

shuuush · 31/12/2019 20:05

16 year old thinks rules don't apply to her since she got a part time job (she's still in college and works part time).

She's working tonight and just announced she isn't coming home after work she's going to a mates. I wouldn't mind if she had asked but she's just spring it on me as she was about to leave. Then when I asked who I got a load of abuse and off she flounces.

Another example is this morning she had her hair straighteners laid straight on my coffee table I told her to move them as she would scorch the wood and got told to fuck off then when her dad told her she had a full on screaming tantrum about how evil we were and just wanted to start on her.

I can't change the WiFi she has unlimited data and she has her own money from working.

I'm just fed up and feel powerless to prevent her doing whatever she wants while treating me and her dad like shit on her shoe.

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/12/2019 21:14

Stop washing and cooking, and money if you give her money.

eveshopper · 31/12/2019 21:14

Not sure why someone has suggested she doesn’t need to tell you her plans.

She did tell OP her plans. She just didn't tell her when OP thought she should have. There is nothing wrong with a 16 year old deciding to go to their mates after work.

Notso · 31/12/2019 21:16

Does she pay keep?
If she's grown up enough to not live by your rules then she's grown up enough to take the consequences, but you have to be incredibly calm and cool about it. Lose your temper and you've lost the battle.

"Fuck off Mum"
"I don't like that language, let me know when your ready to be grown up about it"
And walk away.

"I'm going to X after work"
"No, I'll pick you up from work as usual or we'll compromise and I'll pick you up from [suitable time] at [suitable place]
And repeat and repeat,and repeat and you must do it, no negotiation.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 31/12/2019 21:20

I'd turn up and ask her manager for a word with her if at all possible.

Hmm

I'm pleased I'm not some of you lot's children. How is humiliating her at work going to do any good?

OP how has it got to her telling you to fuck off? Although I think going to a friend's after she finishes work on NYE isn't that big a deal

MrsAukerman · 31/12/2019 21:26

Has she mentioned her new colleagues much? Could she be hanging out with them after hours? Pretty young waitresses / pot washers are much admired in hospitality. Watch out for older chefs / waiters. Lots of cocaine in the restaurant / pub industry also.

Savingshoes · 31/12/2019 21:26

If you have had previous teens then bring them in - bring in the cavalry!
They might be able have more suggestions as they know her too.

AppleKatie · 31/12/2019 21:27

OP this is a disrespectful teenager who you want to live in your house and develop into a functioning and nice adult over the next two years.

So ignore the silly advice on here and don’t get into a tit for tat war with her. Cut off her straighteners at the plug? Do that and she’ll likely do the same to your hairdryer or kettle.

What would you do if you wanted to resolve a difficult situation with a friend or adult family member? Do that. Model mature behaviour. Not childish revenge.

TheBouquets · 31/12/2019 21:30

I think you have to get a grip of this situation right now OP. She is stretching it to see just how much she can get away with. She needs to be told who is the boss in your house.

Louise91417 · 31/12/2019 21:31

She might pay her phone bill, does she pay rent, electric, food.? No doubt you do her washing and cook for her...pull those privilages and if she doesnt contribute (even a token gesture) take the fuses out of her appliances and light bulb out of her room until she learns respectAngry

Original poster
shuuush · 31/12/2019 21:31

Can I please just day again I have no problem with her going to her mates after work I would be fine with it. It's that as she went through the door she told me she wouldn't be back tonight and it was none of my business where she was going and I could fuck off asking.

So she could be at her mates or she could be staying with a load of complete strangers and getting pissed and if she gets into trouble I wouldn't have a clue where she was .

I'm not controlling her I just want to know she's safe.

No she doesn't pay board as she's at college. If she was working full time then she would be.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 31/12/2019 21:31

Jesus have we really gone from an insolent teenager to implications she's on cocaine 🙄 only on MN

Original poster
shuuush · 31/12/2019 21:32

@MrsAukerman exactly why I'm worried. :(

OP posts:
MissusMacTiredy · 31/12/2019 21:37

Hello-really sorry that you r going through this right now. We are also having a very difficult time with our daughter who is 16. It’s relentless.

I would really recommend a fantastic book which is called ‘get out of my life (but first can you take me and Alex into town)’. One of the things that emphasises the importance of keeping a consistent message even if teenagers ignore what you are saying. So for example, with the swearing the message may be: that language is totally unacceptable In this household. She may continue to use the language but you still have control over the message.

Another really great book is ‘why parents need to matter more than peers’ by Gabor mate. He is just amazing. One of the things that I did after reading his stuff was I really started to involve the wider family and friendship network because I found my daughter was much better behaved when they were around. She then got got into a habit of behaving better at home.

Final thing which I found effective: my husband and I sat down and wrote a long but heartfelt letter emphasising our love but stressing the unhappiness created by stuff that was going on. We owned up to what we’d got wrong. We put it in her room and asked her to read it. Didn’t discuss afterwards - it was just a ‘here’s how we see things- we’re ready to listen when ur ready’ letter.

Final thing: look after yourselves. U have a right to be happy in ur home and it’s important she sees that.

Original poster
shuuush · 31/12/2019 21:39

@MissusMacTiredy Thankyou I'm going to look for those books now.
She does behave better when other people are here and would be mortified if my parents heard her telling us to fuckoff.

OP posts:
I8toys · 31/12/2019 21:41

Has she always talked to you like that? I have never heard my 16 year old talk to the family like that but am prepared to accept things change. Is it her friendship group?

Elieza · 31/12/2019 21:49

I think she feels like an adult and wants to be treated as such. You still want her to ask to go to her friends. That’s why she’s upset. You treat her like a child. Like she is 12.

I was out the house just before I was 17 in a shared flat in an area I didn’t know well with a full time job. Didnt see my parents for six months. Cooked dinners. Learned a lot. Made some mistakes. A few regrets. But by god I grew up!

Perhaps you could loosen the apron strings a bit. Have the chat with her that you’re so proud of her but if she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to stop acting like a child, eg throwing strops, being disrespectful and swearing, leaving straighteners on the coffee table. And do your bit too to show her more trust.

Stop making her dinners, washings, all the little things you do for her. Let her feel the change. But be there for her, ready to talk for when she needs advice. Be a friend. Keep an eye on her from a distance kind of thing.

If my parents had done this for me I wouldn’t have left. They just stifled me too much. That will be her next move. She will save up and move in with a friend. Who may well be dodgy as hell and into allsorts. She will underestimate the cost of living there and the rent will be due. He comes up with some ideas for her to do things for him to stay there for free....And you really don’t want that.

noego · 31/12/2019 21:56

You need to get a grip of this.

Conversations around family respect, she can have win/win or win/lose.
Her choice.

You and DH need to close ranks now and be strong.

QueenieMcQueenson · 31/12/2019 22:08

My mum removed the fuses to my devices when I was a teenager. I didn't know how to put them back...
Of course, YouTube exists now so she could easily find out!

mcmen05 · 31/12/2019 22:15

My 16yo dd has gone to a house party tonight in the one area I don't like as she already got hit by a girl who lives their. She is staying at a friend's house after the party so I will have a sleepless night worrying.
I also just like to know who she is out with and where.
It's so different at this age when you dont know their friends and parents

She doesn't normally stay at anyones house but as its Nye she asked.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2019 22:19

Stop doing anything for her. Respect is a two way street. She needs to ask permission at this age to stay out overnight, she’s 16, not 26. No more cooking/washing for her. Where the hell has she got this attitude from? Would her siblings speaking to her help?

Be utterly consistent with her, you and your dh must be on the same hymn sheet.

BlouseAndSkirt · 31/12/2019 22:42

Damaging your coffee table is one thing, but why can’t she go to a friend’s after work?

Are you still treating her like a kid?

She needs to respect your home and stuff, you need to respect the fact that she is earning as well as studying, and is an emerging adult.

billy1966 · 31/12/2019 22:43

I think the idea of tip toeing around a 16 year old who tells you to Fxxx off, hoping she will grow out of it is hopeful but not realistic.

She is 16 not 26.
Whilst she lives in the family home, she needs to be told some basic rules apply.

Speaking with respect to each other.
She tells you where she is going and with whom.

There are too many families made miserable because one member thinks the rules don't apply to them.

In the real world there are rules and people have to follow them.

She wants to behave like a brat, treat as such.
You need to spell the rule of law out to her calmly and firmly.

Original poster
shuuush · 31/12/2019 22:48

I really wish people would read the thread.

I have no problem with her going out to a house party or a mates house. I have a problem with her refusing to tell me where she is going to be and that she told me to fuck off multiple times for no reason whatsoever.

And just because she's 16 doesn't mean it's a magic ticket to doing what you want it's about having basic manners and respect for your parents. She needs to learn how to handle adult situations and how to sensibly drink without getting blind drunk and putting yourself in potentially dangerous situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
shuuush · 31/12/2019 22:50

@billy1966 that's all I want from her some basic manners and respect.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/12/2019 23:01

OP I think you sound extremely reasonable.

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