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Original poster

NYE - how do I talk to my siblings about this?

70 replies

gothefcktosleep · 30/12/2019 19:18

I don’t know where to start with this. I need to address a situation with my brother and sister but I want to do it assertively and not come across as passive-aggressive, aggressive or just a walk-over.

Our mum is always by herself at NYEs, this is because my dad is away- I think she’s always invited but doesn’t want to for one reason or another (sometimes she struggles with leaving the house).

We have previously shared who does NYE with mum between the three of us but for some reason this has stopped, and they don’t even ask if she’ll be with anyone - so for the last 5 years somehow it’s been my husband and I and the kids. We live furthest away - about a two hour drive and have the youngest family. I also work between Xmas and new year and back in 2nd Jan. this isn’t quite the same for my siblings.

Last year I asked them if either were able to go down as our DD was very small. Neither had plans to go to party, both just staying at home - the nearest sibling is less than half an hour away...
So we went down again, despite the fact we had been invited to a party that was focussed around little ones. This year we would prefer to have the evening at home but I wouldn’t be happy to know my mum is by herself. It’s really not about being there as I enjoy it and the kids adore my mum. It’s more the feeling of constantly feeling like we’re on the road during the holidays.

Whether you think it’s daft as she’s a grown woman etc etc I just don’t like the thought of her being by herself, she’s really sociable and loves people. I can’t really get over the idea my brother and sister are okay with it either.... quite simply, I want to tell them I think they’re a bunch of selfish arseholes - but more diplomatically and in a way that would make them consider their actions and think about spending NYEs with her next year. Honestly, I would quite like to spend NYE with everyone, that would be nice but right now think my husband and I are craving a really really boring one at home that culminates in an early night and lie in to start the new year. We’re shattered!

OP posts:
Original poster
gothefcktosleep · 30/12/2019 19:21

Ha, god that was longer than I thought it’d be!

OP posts:
stripes1 · 30/12/2019 19:23

Does she live with your dad? If they are still together I think it’s his responsibility primarily. If he isn’t putting his plans on hold to be with her then you shouldn’t be either. Might be different if she was widowed/divorced. Maybe this is how your siblings feel?

Ragwort · 30/12/2019 19:24

How old is your mum? Presumably if she has chosen not to be with her husband she doesn’t mind that much staying alone? Confused. Why is it OK for her husband to leave her but her adult children feel they have to keep her company? (Unless he is on duty in the Police or similar).

I’m on my own tomorrow, my DH & DS are away, it doesn’t worry me at all, love a quiet night in.

Alternatively could you invite her to your home but make it clear that it is just a quiet night without seeing in the New Year?

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GinisLife · 30/12/2019 19:24

Can your mum not come to you ? Even if you have to fetch her ?

PegasusReturns · 30/12/2019 19:28

I think your dad needs to take responsibility here.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 30/12/2019 19:28

There's a lot in your OP about how YOU feel about the situation and not really anything about how your mum feels.

Are you possibly projecting your own emotions about one night of the entire year into a woman who might be perfectly happy doing her own thing in peace and quiet?

Stop attaching so much significance to this specific midnight.

mummmy2017 · 30/12/2019 19:31

You can just call her.
Maybe she would like an early night and thinks you need to be with her.

EnidButton · 30/12/2019 19:31

New Year's Eve is a bit of a non event for a lot of people. Doesn't sound like your DM is bothered about it. Presumably she's seen everyone at some point in the past week?

I get what you mean. Often it seems to be one sibling who everyone assumes will sort things like this. That isn't fair. But on this occasion I don't think it's worth falling out with your siblings over it.

How old is your DM?

AlwaysCheddar · 30/12/2019 19:31

It’s just NYE.... let her stay home if she wants.

Original poster
gothefcktosleep · 30/12/2019 19:31

She won’t come to us, she can’t do the stairs at ours.

Dad is away due to work. If he was home I wouldn’t worry about them as they’d be fine together. Just gets to me that she’s on her own. I agree I shouldn’t worry if my dad is fine about leaving her but I just tie myself in knots thinking about how sh*t it must be to be really sociable and three kids and a husband and no one around on the new year. Am I just being daft/soft?

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 30/12/2019 19:31

Daft..., surru

AlwaysCheddar · 30/12/2019 19:32

Sorry

EnidButton · 30/12/2019 19:32

I think she’s always invited but doesn’t want to

Do you mean she's invited to wherever your DF goes on NYE? Why does he go without her?

mummmy2017 · 30/12/2019 19:33

Talk to your mum.
She is an adult.

TonOfLead · 30/12/2019 19:34

Is NYE a big deal to your siblings? If they don't see it as anything overly special perhaps they don't see the need for your DM to have company?

Ragwort · 30/12/2019 19:34

I think you are being daft, I would hate to think my adult children felt they needed to keep me company on NYE, I can think of nothing nicer than a lovely meal (chosen by me) & good bottle of something that I don’t have to share Grin.

EnidButton · 30/12/2019 19:34

Cross posted sorry. Maybe she's happy on her own for the night. New Year's Eve isn't that big of a deal really.

Celticrose · 30/12/2019 19:35

If she has a husband who goes out and she chooses to remain at home then it's not really your responsibility to spend NYE with her or your siblings. Maybe they have come to this realisation and have decided not to do it any more. This could go on for years and years. What if something happens to your dad. How old are your parents? My mum is elderly and spends Christmas with me but often goes home before NYE. She doesn't think that we have to travel 25mins to spend it with her. Tbh the older I get the less significance I put on NYE maybe your mum feels the same.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/12/2019 19:35

He could go with your dad, if she didn't want to be by herself...

You'll realistically never convince your siblings that they should be with her. You can choose to go every year but you're martyring yourself a bit; and it's a choice. Any confrontations trying to force someone else to go will just cause bad feeling.

Lipz · 30/12/2019 19:35

Have you asked her if she'd prefer to be alone ? She may think you like calling to her and maybe she'd prefer to have a night in alone?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 30/12/2019 19:36

Tbh I dont see why you need to babysit you're mum. Nye is a non event to alot of people and she had the offer to go with you're dad.

Clymene · 30/12/2019 19:36

I think it's just you. Stop being such a martyr. I could give a toss about being on my own on NYE. go and enjoy yourselves

Quicklittlenamechange · 30/12/2019 19:40

How utterly ridiculous!
Shes invited somewhere and doesnt want to go and so you turn into a complete martyr instead.
There is absolutely nothing to bring up with your DB/S they havent done anything wrong.

Spitsandspots · 30/12/2019 19:43

Just stay home. You mum would probably feel mortified that you feel the need to keep her company when you are knackered and would like an early night.

MadeFrom100percentPears · 30/12/2019 19:48

Going against the grain here but I get it. I would just honestly mention it to your siblings and find out their thoughts. It's not up to you to make them change. However, is it also possible that they do more with the parents throughout the year, since you're further away? The one who is half an hour away may well see your mother a lot more often and see you going up at NYE as very fair.