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Original poster

NYE - how do I talk to my siblings about this?

70 replies

gothefcktosleep · 30/12/2019 19:18

I don’t know where to start with this. I need to address a situation with my brother and sister but I want to do it assertively and not come across as passive-aggressive, aggressive or just a walk-over.

Our mum is always by herself at NYEs, this is because my dad is away- I think she’s always invited but doesn’t want to for one reason or another (sometimes she struggles with leaving the house).

We have previously shared who does NYE with mum between the three of us but for some reason this has stopped, and they don’t even ask if she’ll be with anyone - so for the last 5 years somehow it’s been my husband and I and the kids. We live furthest away - about a two hour drive and have the youngest family. I also work between Xmas and new year and back in 2nd Jan. this isn’t quite the same for my siblings.

Last year I asked them if either were able to go down as our DD was very small. Neither had plans to go to party, both just staying at home - the nearest sibling is less than half an hour away...
So we went down again, despite the fact we had been invited to a party that was focussed around little ones. This year we would prefer to have the evening at home but I wouldn’t be happy to know my mum is by herself. It’s really not about being there as I enjoy it and the kids adore my mum. It’s more the feeling of constantly feeling like we’re on the road during the holidays.

Whether you think it’s daft as she’s a grown woman etc etc I just don’t like the thought of her being by herself, she’s really sociable and loves people. I can’t really get over the idea my brother and sister are okay with it either.... quite simply, I want to tell them I think they’re a bunch of selfish arseholes - but more diplomatically and in a way that would make them consider their actions and think about spending NYEs with her next year. Honestly, I would quite like to spend NYE with everyone, that would be nice but right now think my husband and I are craving a really really boring one at home that culminates in an early night and lie in to start the new year. We’re shattered!

OP posts:
Original poster
gothefcktosleep · 30/12/2019 19:49

That’s fair enough. Interesting to hear other people’s views on things, appreciate all the comments.

I know she’s a big girl and can look after herself. My point with my brother and sister is that it all seemed like everyone was happy to take turns and then suddenly it’s fallen by the way side, which seemed so odd. I suppose, in the words of Prince Phillip, I have done my bit. I will FaceTime her tomorrow night....

Always liked the name Martyr anyway ☺️☺️

OP posts:
Original poster
gothefcktosleep · 30/12/2019 19:52

@MadeFrom100percentPears thanks - yeah that’s a good point, nearest does pop round almost weekly, we are down monthly... I still feel a bit 🤨 that mum will be on her own but after a few glasses I might relax a bit.

OP posts:
MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 30/12/2019 19:57

I’m in my fifties. The last time I celebrated NY’s eve with anyone other than DH, I was in my early twenties.
I really don’t give a toss about it, it’s just another day/night.
Chances are, your mum doesn’t care about it either and is happy to stay home alone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families
Aderyn19 · 30/12/2019 19:59

I think it's a bit shit of your siblings tbh. It wouldn't hurt them to do it occasionally, if only for your peace of mind. I do agree that a woman with a husband and 3 kids shouldn't be alone at NY.
I do think your dad should be changing what he does work wise, if at all possible because ultimately he should be making sure she is happy.

Gingertam · 30/12/2019 19:59

It's your mother's choice to not go with your father. I would hate to think my children felt duty bound to spend time with me. New Year is not that important to some people. Your siblings have probably made an effort at Xmas, just leave them alone. I wouldn't thank you if you were my sister tryng to guilt trip me.

Bluetrews25 · 30/12/2019 20:02

Your DMum is responsible for herself, so if she doesn't do anything or go out, perhaps she doesn't want to?
Are you projecting how you feel about NYE onto her? She might not care about it at all, I've found that can happen as years go by.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 30/12/2019 20:05

The thing is YOU have a problem with your mum being alone on NYE. Your father doesn’t have a problem with it and neither do your siblings. It’s not even clear that your mum has an issue with it.
You don’t get to insist that they start all seeing this as a problem that needs some sort of shared solution.

Ohffs66 · 30/12/2019 20:08

I'll be alone tomorrow night as DH is working, my DM who lives alone will also be on her own, wouldn't occur to me that she needed babysitting, she's usually in bed before midnight anyway! To me NYE is really just another night, perhaps your siblings (and even your mum?!) feel the same?

DappledThings · 30/12/2019 20:10

NYE really isn't a big deal to a lot of people. DH usually does his hobby on Tuesdays and I assumed he would be as usual tomorrow although it is actually cancelled. Doubt we'll make it till midnight anyway!

If it was Christmas you would have a point but NY is just another day of the year.

Disfordarkchocolate · 30/12/2019 20:10

I don't get this at all I'm afraid. I've not celebrated NYE since I was in my early 20's, now you have small children I can't see why you are travelling for hours to be with your Mum on NYE.

LL83 · 30/12/2019 20:16

I couldn't care less about NYE. I really wouldn't mind being alone. Dont assume it is a problem for your mum.

As a parent I would be more upset if my children fell out over who has to babysit me on NYE

DragonUdders · 30/12/2019 20:20

'she’s really sociable and loves people'

But she's not showing that, is she? Do you think you've got that right?
She could throw a party; invite the neighbours; invite family.

But she chooses to stay at home by herself...

Cookit · 30/12/2019 20:26

I had quite a few NYEs on my own before I met DH. I don’t think it would have even occurred to my parents or sibling to worry about that or make sure I wasn’t on my own.

Unless there is something we’re massively missing here - culturally NYE is a huge thing for your family and your Mum would be devastated to be alone and your siblings know this - I don’t see how they’re being remotely selfish.

I don’t know what my parents or my ILs are planning for NYE...

Skittlesandbeer · 30/12/2019 20:27

I think you could/should still have a talk with your siblings, but you’ve left it too late for this year. Look up assertiveness techniques and make notes on what you want to say. If you think it’d be better, write them an email.

SpeedofaSloth · 30/12/2019 20:29

Your mum being alone isn't your siblings' problem, though. YABU for expecting them to work a rota for NYE.

TitianaTitsling · 30/12/2019 20:29

So how will you address it? "You need to travel down to/invite mum up for NYE" would this include travelling to collect her if she's coming to their home? How much leave do your siblings get over this period?

Dollymixture22 · 30/12/2019 20:33

It’s your issue and no one else’s.

I love being alone for NYE. I have half a bottle of champagne in the fridge and a big streak😊. I do the New Year’s Day park run, so will be in bed early.

What can’t she enjoy her own company? Why are you deciding what she needs?

My sister does this to me and it really annoys me.

WonderfulAngel · 30/12/2019 20:48

I spend every nye alone and love it. baileys, delicious snacks, a cosy bed and Netflix, fab

Elbeagle · 30/12/2019 20:52

The thing is though, NYE isn’t a ‘thing’ for a lot of people. My mum lives alone less than 500 yards from us and it really wouldn’t occur to her that we needed to keep her company on NYE. I have actually invited her round for a curry tomorrow but she’ll go home for 9pm ish I’d imagine.
Stop worrying!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 21:01

OP I am in my 60s and will be alone NYE. I would be horrified if I thought my DC felt they had to babysit me!

Your mum has the option to go out with your dad. Your dad has the option to stay in with your mum.

You have the option to stop mithering about their choices Crown Grin

HelloAgainYou · 30/12/2019 21:05

Why is everyone saying OPs mum has the option to go with her dad? Her dad is working?!!

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 21:08

Our mum is always by herself at NYEs, this is because my dad is away- I think she’s always invited but doesn’t want to for one reason or another (sometimes she struggles with leaving the house).
^^
From the OP, HelloAgainYou

TooleyVanDooley · 30/12/2019 21:08

Unless you are in Scotland NYE ceases to be a big thing when reach the point that you don’t want to go to a crowded pub. Most people reach this way before they are old enough to have adult children. Are you sure she is really that bothered?

letsdolunch321 · 30/12/2019 21:15

Op, how old is your mother?

brassbrass · 30/12/2019 21:25

Why are you infantilising her? She's a grown woman. Stop being a martyr, stop projecting, stop judging your siblings. How they spend NYE is their business and choice.