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Original poster

Would you tell a dying parent about how awfully sad your shitty life really was?

69 replies

CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 22:53

And that the son-in-law that they seems to adore so much was actually a long time cheating, lazy shit?

I don’t want to get into my marriage other than to say having weighed up risk - it has not been worth the damage it would do (bullying, abusive, manipulative and very wealthy in laws) to the dc to have left earlier when I was at my most vulnerable.

I have an exit plan in place - and have to bide my time for now.

I just feel so dishonest and like a I am being deceitful to one of the most honest and important people I’ve ever had in my life- on the other hand do I leave them with the full picture -that I am not ok?

OP posts:
Noteventhebestdrummer · 26/12/2019 22:55

No, I'd leave them in a happier place of thinking I was ok. No need to add to their stress.

1plus2equalstrouble · 26/12/2019 22:56

I'm sorry this is happening to you Citizen, both the abusive partner and the dying parent.

I guess it depends in part in time scales. Days left, unlikely to see you make any change, no.
Months, likely to see you make changes and able to support you / encourage you to do so, possibly.

I guess it depends what you want to achieve from it?

Lumene · 26/12/2019 22:56

No

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TARSCOUT · 26/12/2019 22:58

No, let them.die in peace thinking all is well but go on to live your life to the full in their memory.

Designerenvy · 26/12/2019 22:59

I'd leavee things. Nothing to be gained by telling them. They can't help you now. Don't make their departure anymore difficult than it needs to be.
You love them, let them go with a peaceful mind .

Original poster
CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 22:59

I just feel like I am going to break always being strong for everyone

I think it’s wrong to say anything but I’m wrestling with what feels like lying to them too.

I’ll be fine- I am a strong lady- we all have tricky days hence me reaching out

OP posts:
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 26/12/2019 22:59

No.

Not the same, but my dad was basically emotionally abusive due to his autism (inappropriate meltdowns, extreme rules at home, inability to deal with us emotionally etc). He is now in his 70s and will sometimes ask if he was a good father. I always say yes, because what is the good in hurting him now?

Death is a big enough change to deal with. Keep everything else stable.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/12/2019 22:59

I don't know. Scary Spice said she promised her Dad that she would leave her husband.

yourestandingonmyneck · 26/12/2019 23:00

Obviously no one knows the details of your situation, but from what you have said, no. It would break their heart. I would be inclined to go the other way; let them think that you are happy, content and very secure.

Original poster
CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 23:00

Thank you for your kind posts

OP posts:
PhilomenaChristmasPie · 26/12/2019 23:00

No.

Craftycorvid · 26/12/2019 23:01

Find someone you can trust to say this to. Flowers

Sn0tnose · 26/12/2019 23:01

No, I don’t think I would unless they were still well enough and had enough time to help you change things. If it was just to tell the truth, then I wouldn’t. There’s nothing they can do to change things and their time will be spent worrying about you.

SuperFurryDoggy · 26/12/2019 23:02

I would choose to tell them for the sake of telling them, but neither would I stay trapped in an unhealthy marriage (assuming that telling your parent is one of the reasons you can’t leave?)

I’m sorry you are in this terrible position.

SuperFurryDoggy · 26/12/2019 23:03

That should have said I wouldn’t choose

BiarritzCrackers · 26/12/2019 23:03

No, I wouldn't - it can feel frustrating and unfair when someone has an overly favourable wrong idea about someone, but what is the purpose of 'truth' in a situation like this, to what end? I can understand why right now it might feel like it could be of therapeutic benefit to you, but in the event there's a risk that it wouldn't resolve anything for you, and you might regret causing your parent pain and prompting them to feel anxiety for your future and happiness.

There is a possible 'unless' here; is there any way that the parent actually knows, or has an inkling, but conceals it? Because if that were the case, it might be a comfort to know that you have plans.

saraclara · 26/12/2019 23:03

As a parent, it would be terrible for me to be told when dying, that my child is really unhappy, when I have no time left to help them and see the problem resolved. I would be worried about them beyond measure - especially knowing they're being abused. That's got to be the worst thing one could hear about one's daughter.

Please don't do this. It would be selfish, not kind.

NeverTwerkNaked · 26/12/2019 23:04

No, I don't think you should really. But do find someone to tell
A counsellor perhaps? Or a close friend. The relief in opening up is so huge

Designerenvy · 26/12/2019 23:04

Citizen, you are strong
You have a plan in place. Keep this in mind . You will leave when the time is right.
The truth will only hurt your loved one and I'd imagine that would only make it you feel bad about yourself.
Best of luck .

saraclara · 26/12/2019 23:05

...and this:

No, let them.die in peace thinking all is well but go on to live your life to the full in their memory.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 26/12/2019 23:06

No. It's not your parents fault that they don't know what's going on in your marriage and as an adult you are responsible for your own actions.

I don't understand why you would even want to do this. Talk to a friend, a counsellor or even Mumsnet. Don't burden your parent with this.

PlasticPatty · 26/12/2019 23:06

Not unless you have to.

When my mum was dying, to entertain her I started telling her about the in most cases, failed romances in my life, that I'd kept to myself in the past. She wasn't supposed to pass this information on … but I heard her say to my dad 'We thought she didn't know any men! But she knows loads of them and they're all after her!' They're not all, sadly. I only told her about the ones that were. You have to know your audience. Crown Grin

AutumnRose1 · 26/12/2019 23:07

I feel for you

I had some awful stuff happen when dad was dying and he said to me one day “oh dear, you don’t look well, it’s my fault”. I nearly told him but didn’t because it would have made things worse for him.

Do you have a time frame? That makes a difference I think. This stuff happened about 3 weeks before dad died and he held on longer than I expected.

milliefiori · 26/12/2019 23:09

No, don;t tell them. But if you suspect or know that they;ve been worried about your happiness in the marriage, I might say something veiled, like: I want you to know that I'm feeling very strong right now and capable of handling any tough situations, so please don't worry about me. Then focus on your relationship with them and how strong it's been.

Original poster
CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 23:10

@Craftycorvid- not possible
I did that once before and it did not end well
For me and delayed plans for a time.

OP posts: