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Original poster

Would you tell a dying parent about how awfully sad your shitty life really was?

69 replies

CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 22:53

And that the son-in-law that they seems to adore so much was actually a long time cheating, lazy shit?

I don’t want to get into my marriage other than to say having weighed up risk - it has not been worth the damage it would do (bullying, abusive, manipulative and very wealthy in laws) to the dc to have left earlier when I was at my most vulnerable.

I have an exit plan in place - and have to bide my time for now.

I just feel so dishonest and like a I am being deceitful to one of the most honest and important people I’ve ever had in my life- on the other hand do I leave them with the full picture -that I am not ok?

OP posts:
Craftycorvid · 26/12/2019 23:14

I was thinking of someone like a therapist or other person whom you can trust to keep it confidential.

Original poster
CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 23:14

Thank you
I think whom ever said it was selfish is right

I’m glad to have gotten some perspective here x

OP posts:
BlueCookieMonster · 26/12/2019 23:14

Personally no, however I know different people may have other thoughts. It’s very personal at the end of the day.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
AutumnRose1 · 26/12/2019 23:19

I’m not religious and ended up telling the local vicar.

Had to be sure not to worry dad’s friends and family.

I didn’t know the vicar,never went to church before, but someone who will listen and not charge, lol!

AutumnRose1 · 26/12/2019 23:19

I don’t see it as selfish

More I felt I was lying to my dad

But then I realised that was for his benefit.

Sushiroller · 26/12/2019 23:23

Find someone you can trust or wrote a letter to them and then burn it.

It will help you get it out.

Serendipity79 · 26/12/2019 23:24

My Nan died ten days after my dad was arrested for abusing me. The whole family kept it from her. I was 15 at the time and desperately wanted to tell her because she was the most lovely honest good person in my life. But they were right to make me keep it from her. She died in peace rather than worrying about me. It’s really hard but I am sure you’ll feel better for not telling the truth in the long term. And I hope things work out for you xx

Original poster
CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 23:27

@serendipidy that sounds awful- I’m so sorry you went through that 😢

OP posts:
TheGoldenNotebook · 26/12/2019 23:31

You will know what the right thing to do is but I'm wondering why you have not told them before now?

tiredybear · 26/12/2019 23:37

No, don't tell them. Reassure them that everything is/will be fine. Let them have some peace.

I completely understand the urge to tell them though...you want your parent to be able to look after you and support you.....sadly, the reality is that they can't and that there is nothing positive to be gained from telling them.

You have your exit strategy in place, stay strong for a little while longer.

Lovelylugs · 26/12/2019 23:41

If it comes up in some way, like if they ask if you are happy, I would say life has been a bit difficult but they should not worry that you have a plan I place for your future. I find often those close to us have an idea things aren't well but they make the best of it by being nice to the partner for your sake.

Knittedfairies · 26/12/2019 23:45

Just hang in there for a while longer; I agree with pps. My late mum wasn't expecting my dad to visit her in hospital as she knew he 'didn't like hospitals'. I told her he was eating well, and taking the dog out for a little walk etc - all nonsense as the dog, and my dad, had died 3 years previously. It was kinder for her, but difficult for me.

Oct18mummy · 26/12/2019 23:46

What will it gain by you telling them this in their dying days?

Personally I wouldn’t say anything, you have your plan to leave so good luck in making it happen z

Original poster
CitizenErm · 26/12/2019 23:49

@TheGoldenNotebook they would’ve gotten involved (very emotional and hotheaded) it would’ve been a disaster

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 26/12/2019 23:51

Citizen, I think it depends what you say? Maybe your parents know that you are stuck in a bad relationship, are worried about that and wish you would leave?

Maybe you can avoid focussing on life being awful for you, but the other things you have said - that you have a plan and know you will be ok/ that you are strong etc? Perhaps That their parenting has helped give you the strength to build for the future etc......

Anything that is true and connecting and also reassuring?

I am so sorry you have so much to cope with...

Karenisbaren · 26/12/2019 23:51

No I wouldnt tell any dying person how shit your life is, when my best mate was dying, my life was horrendously shit, beyond the point of shitty, but I still saw them and talked about everything apart how shitty my life was.

Notmyrealname855 · 26/12/2019 23:52

Don’t say anything about the truth - say you’re happy. After their passing live every day passionately striving to make that real, as if it was a promise to them

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 26/12/2019 23:52

If you need someone to talk to, I can thoroughly recommend women’s aid. They support women who are in / planning to leave / have left abusive relationships, and their children.
Flowers sorry for everything you’re going through.

vassdal · 26/12/2019 23:53

No don't tell them. They don't need that worry on top of everything else. Better that they go thinking that you are fine.
My Mam got extremely agitated in her last 3 weeks about something happening in her younger sister's marriage. I don't know who told her but it was awful. She was on morphine a lot of the time but when she was awake and lucid all she could talk about was trying to sort out this problem for her sister.

My Dad died suddenly and I regret "wasting" the last few months of his life crying about my broken relationship. Yes I was in a right state and he was very supportive and wanted to help me but then all of a sudden he was gone.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 26/12/2019 23:54

No I wouldn’t tell a dying person. You’d have to have a heart of fucking stone for such an act.

People should be allowed to die in peace!

TheGoldenNotebook · 27/12/2019 00:01

Given you described them as emotional and hot headed, how do you think they would react now?

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/12/2019 00:07

I think it depends, parents aren't stupid, they might know more about your situation than you are aware of or sense your unhappiness.

I maybe wouldn't go into details, but presented to them that you are in a good place in terms of your emotional well-being and have a strong action plan but your intention is to leave your current situation and make a positive choice for a better life. So, in effect give them a positive message about your future albeit maybe not the one that they believed was the case.

halocompanach · 27/12/2019 00:12

Absolutely not.

pallisers · 27/12/2019 00:17

If you didn't tell them 5 or 10 or 15 years ago when they could have processed it and supported you, why would you tell them now when they could do nothing at all about it?

I feel for you OP but this is about your feelings toward your husband and the choices you've made. You can't burden a dying person with those at the last minute having hid it from them for years. Why now? Because you are shit sick of pretending? Fair enough but that has nothing to do with the parent you have hid the truth from for years.

I suspect the death of a parent is bringing up all sorts of stuff for you and I understand and hope there is someone - a therapist maybe - you can talk to because I think you need someone to vent to. But your dying loved-one isn't the right person.

Don't let your toxic husband ruin this last time with your parent too.

Savingforarainyday · 27/12/2019 00:23

No, don't

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