Would you tell a dying parent about how awfully sad your shitty life really was?

[CitizenErm]

And that the son-in-law that they seems to adore so much was actually a long time cheating, lazy shit?

I don’t want to get into my marriage other than to say having weighed up risk - it has not been worth the damage it would do (bullying, abusive, manipulative and very wealthy in laws) to the dc to have left earlier when I was at my most vulnerable.

I have an exit plan in place - and have to bide my time for now.

I just feel so dishonest and like a I am being deceitful to one of the most honest and important people I’ve ever had in my life- on the other hand do I leave them with the full picture -that I am not ok?

Citizen, I don't believe you will achieve anything by telling your dying parent but I am sorry you are going through so much. Things are often not what they seem on the surface and truth comes out later. Your parent doesn't need extra worry at the moment and it won't help you to disclose such details.

Sounds like you're getting your act together, Citizen, good for you. Better times are ahead.

I totally agree with WaxOnFeckOff
Parents arent stupid, if there is any chance that your parents know more about your situation than you realise, then it might be a huge comfort to them to know that you are strong and have made plans.
If your parent is in a hospice then there should be access to excellent support through the therapy team for you.
Good luck.

Please, please don't tell.. They are no longer in a position to help you, and this would just worry them and they would pass in distress.

certainly not.
tell then how much you value and appreciate them, how lucky you are to have such a parent. recount happy memories from childhood, what you learnt from your parent, whether moral or practical.
in short, try to love them, while you can, as much as you can.

I would want to think I had enough in me to look my daughter in the face and tell her what she needs to hear - that you are a remarkable woman with the strength to do anything and that I believe in you, and your faith in the right thing.

If you need to hear it from your mum you might do a disservice in not telling her. I would want to give that to you.

You don't save to be strong for everyone citizen, but perhaps sunwise like Samaritans might give you a chance to say it all out loud - the abusive marriage, the dying parent, everything. Give you alsace to cry or rant or just soul all the words in your heart x

It depends how long you have - or, rather, how long she has. If her death is imminent then keep quiet. If it's going to be a while then you have to get on with the living - that's you and your children.

Whatever you do, don't slack off with your plans.

My dearly loved mummy died recently. I'd been expecting it for at least 10 years - but she went on and on! I'd held off a lot of stuff I wanted to do (eg travelling) and I wish now that I hadn't. She'd be horrified I held myself back for her.

Interestingly, she was the one I dreaded telling I was leaving my adored by all but horrific to me husband. In the event she accepted it quietly when I told her, saying she knew I'd done my best.

Please do talk to Womens Aid - local office here. And do the Freedom Programme at your earliest - you need as much support as you can get. Get your GP onside too.

Thinking of you

No I wouldn't say anything if I thought it could make the person feel worse. Not to someone who is dying. Sorry. You have to think of how it will affect them if you care about them.

The thing is you’ll still end up supporting your dying parent through the upset of discovering you’re not happy. Ultimately you’d still have to be the strong one but your last precious moments together would be marred by talk of your cheating partner.

Op, you're facing such a lot in your life.

I have 2 best friends, both of whom have lost their parents. It's made me acutely aware that time with my DM is limited - she's 85.

My mum and I talk about everything, all the time. But I'm purposely not telling her stuff that would worry her now - what can she do, except worry some more, like I am?

There's going to come a time when she is not around for advice, so I'm kind of living our relationship as if she weren't there to give advice on problems I'm facing. She's a complete worrywort and has often said certain problems within the wider family, keep her awake at night. I don't want that.

There's nothing your parent can do and you are not being deceitful. I totally get where you are coming from. It's like this huge part of your life, what your life is going to be, and you feel they won't know about it. Also, you've got such a lot on your plate. The ending of a marriage and a soon to be bereavement, two massive life events - both of which are going to be emotionally tough for you. Have you got other people to support you? You are right to leave this relationship, you only live once, you deserve better than this. Wishing you all the very best and strength by the bucketful. Everything is completely shitty right now, but it won't always be this way.

If you have an exit plan and can bear to stick it out for a bit longer then that would be the best option for both of you. Only one thing to deal with at a time.

But if you do decide to tell her, let her see that you are much happier for making the decision and that you are fully at peace with it, the misery is in the past and you have made a plan for the future and are very optimistic going forward. That's what will be important to her.

Don't underestimate what she may intuitively know already.

Perhaps you could phrase your words very carefully so that you aren't lying. Talk about how strong and focused you are rather than that you are going to leave your oh.

Before Dad died we did cry together about how sad we were and how much we would miss each other. I think it was helpful that nothing was left unsaid.

Thank you all.

When my mother was dying, she said to me,
“I haven’t been much of a mother to you Pulya.”
We both knew she could have done better but I told her that I loved her, she’d done her best and that was all that mattered. She knew and so did I, but it would have done no good. I wanted her to pass peacefully and I didn’t need the guilt of upsetting her by telling her what she already knew.
Haven’t RTFT but I feel that dying people often already know the answers and if possible they should die with kindness. Just my opinion though.

Although, having given it some thought, the person may be seeking to atone for past misdeeds and looking for a chance to make amends. Also, why should a person who is at the end is of their life have their feelings of guilt prevail over the emotions of a person who has to live on? Very difficult issue and often there is only a split second to decide. Best wishes OP.

@Pulya

I agree. My mother talked about things she'd done and regretted, and I tried to reassure her that she wouldn't be punished in the afterlife.

OP I'd definitely say it depends on the time scale. If DDad has days let him go in peace. If he has months and still able to do stuff I'd tell him, let him see you to a happier place.

I also agree parents sometimes just know stuff, they just know something isn't right. They know you better than anybody.

And don't discount mothers instinct.

I do hope I didn’t cause any upset by posting without RTFT. I am very sorry if I did so and I will endeavour not to do this again. I lost my sense of perspective as I saw a title and thought I could contribute something useful. I am very sorry if I caused any distress and I hope the OP is feeling better and has managed to help the situation.

Pulya your original post was lovely. Don't worry, it added to the debate and wasn't in any way inappropriate imo xx