DH got me a scented candle

[Cordillera]

And a man bag
For various reasons we had our main xmas today so those are my presents.

A far cry from the weekend in Paris or tickets to West End show of a few years ago. We've only been together 6 years, that's part of why this has upset me. It feels like he has given me things thoughtlessly. The bag is definitely too big for me and not my style, and he knows what my style is as he bought me a bag he knows I love a couple of years ago (after checking with me before buying it) as these things are expensive).

And I don't like scented candles. Even if I did I do not want one from my husband.

I am crap at hiding my disappointment. My mother apologised to him for my lack of graciousness then privately told me to get over it and not expect people to be perfect. I said it felt like he'd just thrown money at something last minute.

DH just said he'd take it back. I feel like his head was somewhere else, in choosing the presents and today, He was happy and jolly the first few years, last 18 months less and less.

Mum is no doubt right and I must move on swiftly and be grateful for the good I do have.

You'll know not to raise your hopes too high next year.

This isn't about presents is it? Because DH and I have settled into our marriage and the presents have become less big and flashy and more practical. But that isn't a reflection on our love.

I think you think this is a small sign of a bigger issue.

Do you think maybe in previous years you would have appreciated these gifts, and maybe there’s another underlying issue in your relationship? I know in previous years when DH and I have had the odd rocky patch I’ve really picked apart what he’s given me (I’m not saying that’s what you’ve done btw!) and turned the whole thing negative because that’s how I was feeling towards him at the time. Other times when we are really happy I appreciate him just bringing me a cup of tea so much!

You say in your op that his head has been elsewhere, something maybe to consider?

Perhaps I am reading too much into it, because of my own stuff. Or there is actually something awry with DH, I can't tell at the moment.

The candle is ylang ylang mix, stronger than the dog's farts.

They can be such wankers. They only have 364 days to think of something nice to get but they leave it till the last minute then get a candle. I put up with this for a couple of years then said let’s not get each other presents put the money towards our holiday each year. We do that and have a fantastic long holiday in the warm sun each year.

Sometimes you get (and give) dud presents, especially when you’ve been together for a while. Not every year can be great. DH got me a dud for our second anniversary. I’m not sure he’s going to like his present this year. If he doesn’t I’ll return it. It wasn’t done with a lacking of thinking but occasionally we get it wrong.

I find that the presents are much smaller now. He’s got a jumper and I’ve got a pair of toms (which I asked for so no surprise for me). Gone are the days when I buy him tickets to a sporting event and I get jewellery. If there’s an event we want to attend, we tend to work out how to get it during the year and I don’t really need big things, which only leaves smaller things. However, if you can’t tell if something is awry with your DH, you probably need to start there and not focus on the presents.

I would def prefer that and this year we did discuss paying for a new sofa and giving each other a stocking with chocolates and useful things like toothbrush. But he wanted to do proper presents.
How he came to choose a candle then, I don't know.

Just to put a different spin on it....

I've not bought a gift for my husband at all. I've been really ill with depression for the past few months and have been completely overwhelmed by it. My amazing husband just gave me a huge hug and told me not to cry.

Unless he's got form for this, I would be wondering if he's got something on his mind. Could you ask him & find out?

Cake I have asked/commented during the year, he says he's happy. He doesn't talk much about his feelings, compared to me. I find that difficult sometimes as he can appear withdrawn and then I can't read him well.

Do you think it could be because it gets harder and harder to pick something the longer you're together? As you already have everything, or you're trying not to spend too much of joint money etc

It does get harder, I also think 6 years not that long but maybe it is that simple. Do I have ridiculously high expectations in thinking my husband could keep knowing what I'd like? Maybe as pp said, we all occasionally choose a dud even with good intentions.

DH loves candles but I have never given him one as it's in the impersonal category for me.

One year me and OH pledged to not buy each other Christmas gifts. He kept to that pledge, I didn’t. I still felt short changed.

If he says he’s happy when you ask him and his manner doesn’t seem too off, it might just be a dud year. Did he ask what you wanted or does he prefer to completely surprise you? Personally, I think the complete surprise is always a risk.

If it was a shit one I'd be upset

My DH came in at about 2:20pm having somehow decided that this year my presents would be kitchen electrical gadgets They weren’t wrapped, or even in a bag just 2 boxes shoved at me and told ‘that’s your present’

I now own a Breville sandwich toaster and a Nestle Gusto coffee machine thing (I rarely drink coffee!). We have a small galley style kitchen and limited cupboard space so who knows where I’m going to put them.

He means well and sometimes buys great presents but this year I’ll just have to remember that it’s the (lack of) thought that counts!

Fiancé and I simply don't exchange gifts at Xmas at all - I'd recommend for future years. No hassle or potential disappointment plus saved pennies. We are romantic / show we care in other ways instead.

If it wasn’t so sad, it’d be funny We’ve just agreed to get each other a token present on Christmas Day and then take each other shopping in the sales.

Perhaps your husband can return the unwanted presents and go shopping with you to choose something you like?

My friends DH is crap at "choosing " presents ! so she buys something she likes ,wraps it and under the tree it goes.Another friend chooses a present when they are away for a weekend and DH puts it away for her.I think it does get harder to get the "wow" factor, but a scented candle is a bit "meh" somehow .Can you not draw up a wish list on Amazon ,and ask him to pick something from that ? or else when out and about say you like something and see if he takes the bait! You say he loves Candles and that is the problem with many presents ,they are what you want and like not the other person!

Thats the level of present I got when he was having an affair. She got the nice gifts.

Not saying that he is cheating but I would agree that he has got you generic "Woman" presents, because his head is somewhere else. IF hed
always been crap then it would be different, but from a weekend in Paris to a scented candle in 6 years, thats a hell of a change.

Tell your mom to keep her opinion to herself there's nothing wrong with being disappointed in thoughtless and shitty gifts!

I've been with DH for 20 years. The system is simple now, at the end of Nov I send him an email with about 10 links in with things I would love. We agree 4 presents so he can choose from those or go completely off piste. We have a budget sort of, but mostly it's about the kids so they are quite practical. I am not that fussed as long as during the year birthday anniversary etc I get some thought. Xmas is too much pressure I think..

Nah, a scented candle is an insult. You can talk it this way or that way but wth. I'm sorry, OP. I'd be up and down the house screaming, in tears. I'm not proud, but I would be. The man bag is potentially just a mistake of taste though?

Thats the level of present I got when he was having an affair. She got the nice gifts.

Bingo.

The dead giveaway is that his head has been "somewhere else" for 18 mos. You've mentioned it almost in passing, but you mentioned it because subconsciously you know it's relevant and I suspect deep down you suspect more to this than just a selfish, thoughtless husband (which, to be clear, he also is).

OP, I'm so sorry. 💐

It's not that he's "crap at buying presents" as people are suggesting. He clearly put a lot of money and thought into presents in previous years.

So either there's been a dramatic change in financial circumstances or something has changed in your relationship.

Christmas puts a magnifying glass over any cracks in relationships.

The lack of routine and extra time spent together highlights problems and you say he's been distant and off for 18 months now. The change in his presents to you (compared to previous Christmases) has compounded this.

Is there a valid reason for not spending Christmas Day together and doing presents today instead? I mean, is it possible he's having an affair do you think?