DH got me a scented candle

[Cordillera]

And a man bag
For various reasons we had our main xmas today so those are my presents.

A far cry from the weekend in Paris or tickets to West End show of a few years ago. We've only been together 6 years, that's part of why this has upset me. It feels like he has given me things thoughtlessly. The bag is definitely too big for me and not my style, and he knows what my style is as he bought me a bag he knows I love a couple of years ago (after checking with me before buying it) as these things are expensive).

And I don't like scented candles. Even if I did I do not want one from my husband.

I am crap at hiding my disappointment. My mother apologised to him for my lack of graciousness then privately told me to get over it and not expect people to be perfect. I said it felt like he'd just thrown money at something last minute.

DH just said he'd take it back. I feel like his head was somewhere else, in choosing the presents and today, He was happy and jolly the first few years, last 18 months less and less.

Mum is no doubt right and I must move on swiftly and be grateful for the good I do have.

I've been with DH for 13 years and most of the time he's really good with gifts - the odd year he has been exceptional and the odd year he has been bloody awful (the worst being when he purchased 5 books and dvds from my amazon wishlist which I hadn't updated in a while including a series I already owned and we had already watched together!! Zero thought at all).

If everything else is fine I would be disappointed but take it as a dud year, an anomoly, and move on. Its good he knows you're disappointed though.

I really can't believe a scented candle means he could be having a affair?!

We've been together 17 years but I'm very happy one of my presents is an expensive scented candle! Haha!

My DH finds me difficult to buy for, so I give him some ideas to help. Ok you've only been together 6 years, but you're going to have a lot worse to deal with in a long term relationship if you're going to make it long term.

My only suggestion is to calm down and chat to him about it post Christmas Day. See if you can arrange a shopping trip for a couple of extras maybe?

Dh doesn’t have a clue and just asks me. So I guess I get what I want but always a bit sad that he puts no effort into it and is just lazy and I don’t get a surprise. I’m not hard to buy for, books, candles, make up, perfume, sports gear.....he only has to open his eyes slightly and see the sort of stuff I like and he’d be fine.

So I have a cycle top from him which I’ve chosen. He has 3 surprise presents, none of them exciting but thoughtful.

Meant to say, so at least he tried?

I’ve had anomalous years of awful presents - just Dh being busy and thoughtless. I’ve laughed and made sarky comments and been upset but I don’t doubt he loves me. It’s just an off year!

You sound like it’s a bit more than that... a reflection of how you feel you mean to him.

If my dh bought me kitchen implements l’d be insulted and would have made it clear.
As l would with a scented candle.

I’d be happy to agree not to exchange presents if this is all they could offer

I'd be upset too OP, because it's the thought that matters - and getting you those things shows that he hasnt put any thought in to it at all.

Of course a scented candle doesn't mean your husband is having an affair

I was basing my suggestion on the fact that things haven't been right for 18 months. Op said his head has been somewhere else and he hasn't been his happy jolly self with her for a while?
There could be other explanations but it does seem off.

I'd be having words with my mother if she'd ever apologised on my behalf!

If my dh bought me kitchen implements l’d be insulted and would have made it clear.
As l would with a scented candle.

I'm getting pans this year because I want them! I had to beg because DH is convinced I'll be annoyed!

Christ, all these pathetically thoughtless men, that I keep reading about on Mumsnet every Christmas. There’s no bloody excuse. My boys are both in their 20s and I made it plain, that kitchen type gifts (toasters etc) were an absolute no no, unless a woman specifically asks for them. They manage to impress me with their thoughtful gifts every year. They don’t even have to spend a lot. They just take note of my likes/dislikes and interests. It’s not bloody hard! If my youngest child with autism and SN cam think about it, the so can a grown man. Contrary to what some people think, they don’t pick the gifts out with their dicks!

I'd be up and down the house screaming, in tears.

WTF.... Screaming? In tears? Have some self-respect and dignity FFS..

We haven't bought Christmas gifts for each other for nearly ten years now. I just gave up and said STOP already, this is ridiculous, we are grown adults and know and love each other, and don't need some gift to say it.

So we just feck off to the sun in January instead every year. Works for us. But I know everyone is different.

@Cordillera

YANBU. That would be like being given a tin of furniture polish.

A fucking scented candle?!

Get him a bottle of handwash for his birthday.

People spouting the 'Oh men are useless aren't they?' line and excusing it 'because they're men!' pisses me off. It's time to re-train the feckers. Imagine if all women were as selfish and thoughtless as (some) men?! Why do they get away with it coz they're men?!

Also.........Why did he buy you a 'MAN BAG?'

My DH has just gifted me a very sex all in one. Goodness knows why he thought I would appreciate it. The amount of shaving I would have to do to wear it is obscene.

For the op who asked, we are spending tomorrow together, all week in fact but had to do the main big family day today so did all the gift exchanging.

He likes to surprise me, hasn't been keen when I've made suggestions even though it's clear I am picky. I'm also getting less materialistic every year, he knows this, so disposable or extra luxury versions of things I already own are not what I want.

I don't think affair (though I am one of those who would never swear their partner could never ever do it). I'm leaning more to comments saying it's a dud year, this happens in long term relationships, I need to calm down a bit. I am prone to over analysing.

Then again if I try for a gut feeling it's that he simply didn't know what to get, went shopping yesterday and picked without thinking enough about what I like because...work head/He wasn't in a romantic mood/no reason, just wasn't.

Why a man bag? He must have thought it a utilitarian look or something. It is clearly a man bag though, large leather rectangular messenger style with big flap.

I don't get all the posters saying 'me and my DH/DP don't buy each other ANYthing, we save the money and put it towards a fab week in the sun!'

Surely most couples surely have/buy a few Christmas presents for each other, and have a holiday in addition to that? We do.

And also, this situation is not the same as the OP, because SHE is not happy with having a shit gifts that cost two quid (that she didn't want)

And it's no good not buying presents if one person in the couple isn't happy with this (and would like a gift or 3 on Christmas day) I mean it doesn't take any effort or much cost, for you and your HD/DP to buy a small handful of little gifts. Have a budget of £20 each.

Having absolutely nothing from each other is bizarre and alien to me. 30 years together and we have never done this. Never would either. We always buy each other several gifts and we have a holiday every year too. (Sometimes two!)

Ok maybe a dud year. Possibly he's been stressed at work or misread your recent minimalist approach to consumerism this year? Hope you enjoy Christmas, instead of trying to overanalyse, communication is key over things like this.

Two years ago my DH got me oven gloves, last year he got me a teatowel. We have been separated for 11 months.

@TigerOnATrain

Whatever, each to their own. I am one of the people you are referring to lol.

Can't see the point of it all personally. So we don't bother anymore. False gifts, false friends and all that, just for the sake of it?

But Birthdays are a totally different matter it has to be said. We go all out for those! Our birthdays are six months apart so it is less a "here's yours, thanks, here's yours too, thanks shite.

Happy Christmas everyone. Remember by 26th it is all over for another year. Not worth the angst in my view, but as I said, everyone is different.

One year me and DP were hinting to each other what we wanted, he kept saying he wanted some Gucci trainers and I wanted a pair of Balenciaga trainers both our items were around £400-£500.. we would keep sending each other pictures of these items and talking about us wanting them.. We'd never spent this amount of money on each other for Christmas but figured it would be nice for us both to have one present that we both wanted and that we would definately use and also good quality..
I brought him the Gucci trainers and on Christmas Day I opened my presents first (very confused by the shape of the present in the paper) and was very confused when I opened some cheap unbranded tops from a high street shop that I'd never heard of probs worth about £30 in total.. He felt so bad when he opened his very expensive shoes because although we were hinting to each other he apparently didn't think we were being serious that we would actually spend that much on each other.. I felt very stupid but I didn't go in an arse with him about it I just got over it very quickly, although it did hurt a bit deep inside at first but I didn't show it.. Christmas presents are definately not worth getting upset over.. it's only a day for shops to make tons of money, it's a huge stress!! Men are useless sometimes

Long term relationship, 6 years!!! We've been together nearly 30 years and still manage decent gifts. Partly with suggestions and surprises with a bit of insight

Have some self-respect and dignity FFS..

I will not.

DH gets me a very fancy scented candle every year, it’s one of my favourite presents. I didn’t realise until tonight that it was a shit gift. Oh well.