How would you split this gift (money)?

[RoonyTunes]

MIL has very generously sent money for Christmas, we live overseas. She sent £600 and said that she thinks DS1 (26) doesn't need presents any more so the money should be split £200 to DS2 (21), £200 to DD (16) and £100 each to myself and DH.

DH is uncomfortable with DS1 being excluded and wants him to have a share. I agree and I know that if we ask the two younger ones they will not want their brother left out even though DD doesn't have an income and DS2 is in Uni with a part time job.

So, would you
(A) do what the giver has asked, DS1 won't be expecting anything so we can tell him or not
(B) split the money three ways and basically give DS1 our share
(C) in Aussie dollars it amounts to $1100 so all three "kids" get $300 each and DH and I take $100 each meaning that the younger two get $66 each less than the other options.

DH and I don't desperately need the money but self employment has caused some cash flow issues recently so it would be nice to have a meal out (and we could send MIL a photo saying "thanks for buying us dinner"). DS1 works full time BUT is currently employed as a firefighter in the middle of our awful bushfires so I am inclined to treat him as much as I can.

But her DH can go against her wishes and not send they money?

It's his family, so yes, he does get to decide whether to gift them, particularly as you say

its a Christmas gift, its mostly likely from both of them, as a couple so her wishes are just as valid.

He does not want to gift his family.

Could you use it towards something for the whole family? Holiday etc? Either way tell her what you decide.

Is this gift in keeping with gifts from previous years? Would you expect similar for the younger children in future years or is this a one off?

If your eldest has benefited to a similar degree in previous years i.e. £200 each of the last five or so Christmases I don't think there's anything wrong with it. He's now working and I think there is a difference between gifts for your children and gifts for your grandchildren - MN is full of people only too eager to point out that grandparents have no rights over grandchildren but then they expect the grandparents to act with the same responsibilities to their grandchildren as to their children. And I think it's ok to continue with gifts for your children in a different way to gifts to your grandchildren. I also think an adult working full time is a fair time to stop.

Plus look at the longer term picture, if this is a regular Christmas gift I'd expect her to also stop sending a portion for the younger two in 5/10 years - when there's no money being sent for the grandchildren will you dip into your own pockets to give the younger two the extra money the oldest had benefited from by taking a share of their siblings for the next ten years.

I would expect a grandparent to treat their children equally over their lifetime, not at each specific time point. You wouldn't give a five year old to be given a car because their older sibling has just turned 18 and been given a car. Similarly you don't give the youngest gifts until they're 26 and the oldest gifts until they're 36 because they need to keep receiving gifts as long as the youngest does - that's not fair to the youngest.

On the other hand if mil normally sends a tenner each and has had a windfall or something this year, I'd split it equally.

Sorry, I have just come back to this, thank you for all the input. DH was talking to his mum today and said he would share the money between the kids. She seemed surprised but said ok so I don't feel bad about it.

This is no win unfortunately... it happened in my family and tore the family apart.

Problem is both sides are technically right so no one can ever win.

side 1) its not your money so you dont get to overrule what the giver decides.

side 2) that its wildly unfair to leave one child out just because they are the oldest.

Good outcome, OP. And well handled by your DH.

great

I would do a £100 per child and £150 each per adult

That’s crackers thinking that op

D- split it 4 ways (3x kids and you and hubby count as 1)!

Option c unless you don't need the money so go with b

I would split it all between the kids and tell her that.

"Thanks for the generous gift but DH and I have given outlr share to DS1. I don't feel he should be left out in the basis of his age when we are much older than him. He's worked so hard lately and he deserves it. I'm sure you understand"

@RoonyTunesdid she say why ds1 wasn't included originally? Sorry if you said and I missed it

A) for me. She's giving you some even though you're an adult as your relationship is closer - or rather your OH is. I expect the present is really for him. Your first child got presents for a few years when the younger ones didn't (as they didn't exist). There is no reason for him to get more in the long term. Plus, if MIL has given money for specific people, it's between her and them if they feel miffed about that.