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Original poster

How would you split this gift (money)?

88 replies

RoonyTunes · 20/12/2019 02:30

MIL has very generously sent money for Christmas, we live overseas. She sent £600 and said that she thinks DS1 (26) doesn't need presents any more so the money should be split £200 to DS2 (21), £200 to DD (16) and £100 each to myself and DH.

DH is uncomfortable with DS1 being excluded and wants him to have a share. I agree and I know that if we ask the two younger ones they will not want their brother left out even though DD doesn't have an income and DS2 is in Uni with a part time job.

So, would you
(A) do what the giver has asked, DS1 won't be expecting anything so we can tell him or not
(B) split the money three ways and basically give DS1 our share
(C) in Aussie dollars it amounts to $1100 so all three "kids" get $300 each and DH and I take $100 each meaning that the younger two get $66 each less than the other options.

DH and I don't desperately need the money but self employment has caused some cash flow issues recently so it would be nice to have a meal out (and we could send MIL a photo saying "thanks for buying us dinner"). DS1 works full time BUT is currently employed as a firefighter in the middle of our awful bushfires so I am inclined to treat him as much as I can.

OP posts:
OceanSunFish · 20/12/2019 07:53

I have a niece who will be 18 next year. I'm planning to give her a generous present for her 18th birthday (much more generous than usual) and then stop giving presents and just send a card.

However, I also give her parents (my brother and SIL) a card only (and they do the same for me). I agree with pp that this is different because MIL is giving you and DH money.

Maybe MIL hasn't quite thought it through rather than being deliberately unkind?

666onmyhead · 20/12/2019 08:02

@teentree I'm sending Christmas gift money to BIL's kids and I don't see that as wrong. My husband has his opinion and I have mine. He doesn't own or govern me as I don't own or given him.

teentree · 20/12/2019 08:05

@666onmyhead

It's not about 'ownership' it's about respecting what he has chosen to do think reward his own family.

Tbh if I decided not to send someone in my family money or a gift and DH went over my head and did it anyway I would be livid.

You are supposed to be a team, not on opposite sides ignoring the others wishes because you think you know better Confused

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Christmas
teentree · 20/12/2019 08:06

*chisem to do WITH REGARD (not think reward)

teentree · 20/12/2019 08:06

*chosen (ffs) Blush

Sparklybaublefest · 20/12/2019 08:08

I would tell her what you were intending to do

666onmyhead · 20/12/2019 08:10

We are a team. I don't need to justify that or why I wish send to two kids money or not to you. I'm not you. End of discussion.

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 20/12/2019 08:13

In your position I would not hesitate to give my/DH's share to DS1 to even the score on this occasion and then have a proper discussion with MIL after Christmas to arrive at a fair solution for the future. She hasn't really thought this through, if she's cutting off the adults that's fair enough but it means you and DH too.

Is there some reason why she has singled DS1 out? I think I would want to get to the bottom of this - do they all show due appreciation for her generosity or might they be taking her generosity for granted?

teentree · 20/12/2019 08:19

@666onmyhead

We are a team. I don't need to justify that or why I wish send to two kids money or not to you. I'm not you. End of discussion.

Great explanation there. It all makes sense now. It's just the kind of arrogant person you are.

(You don't get to 'end the discussion')

eaglejulesk · 20/12/2019 08:33

C

crookshanksthecat · 20/12/2019 08:39

B
I couldn't take money away from the other two. This way they get what their grandmother wanted to give them and you have just given your share to your other son. I personally would feel uncomfortable having a meal out partly on their Christmas money or having a meal out when your other son got nothing.

Witchend · 20/12/2019 08:40

B or C
Is ds1 not her bio grandchild or something?
That would be very hurtful to him if he found out everyone got that much except him.
If it was a £5book voucher I could understand the thought process.

SuperMeerkat · 20/12/2019 09:07

She sounds like DH’s nan. She’s really loaded aka owns a £600k house in cash and without selling it bought another £280k house In cash. Anyway, DH took his youngest (age 9) to see her and she gave him a fiver. Not a bean for the fifteen year old. Meanness is such a horrible trait.

Medievalist · 20/12/2019 09:07

I couldn't take money away from the other two

And I couldn't allow MIL to be so manipulative and exclude ds1.

If I was the op I would point out to MIL the inconsistency in wanting the parents to have a financial gift but not ds1.

JulietTango · 20/12/2019 10:22

Not a bean for the fifteen year old

But was he visiting as well? If he was then yes I agree it was wrong but why should she have to give to everyone each time one person visits? And then where does that stop

yellowallpaper · 20/12/2019 10:29

Awful to exclude DS1. Split it evenly between the children by giving half of yours and DHs, and let the ILs know what you have done and why and thank them nicely.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/12/2019 10:37

@SuperMeerkat your arguments only relevant if the fifteen your old visited too.

MegaClutterSlut · 20/12/2019 10:43

Wtf I would expect dh to tell her how massively unfair it is to leave ds1 out like that. In the same position me and dh would give ds1 our share

WhereverIMayRoam · 20/12/2019 11:14

I think this is a classic example of how some people see themselves as really generous while actually using their money to (at least potentially) cause division or hurt feelings.

I would go with option C and I would tell her that’s what you’ve done. There’s no need to explain why unless she queries it in which case you just say you didn’t think ds1 should be the only member of your family left out. I know some pps see this as the other dc “losing out” but given she sent the money to you to be distributed I think you’re entitled to make this decision based on what’s important to your family ie not randomly excluding one Hmm. IMO that’s far more important than nitpicking over who would have got an extra $50.

If she actually protests I’d suggest it might be best she doesn’t send anything in future. Some things are more important than money!

Chamomileteaplease · 20/12/2019 11:15

I would divide the total amount between the five of you, equally. Why not?

And after Christmas ask the woman what the hell she was thinking of, saying that GC1 doesn't need the money anymore, (but you two adults do??).

TheGirlWhoLived · 20/12/2019 11:18

I’d do C, 300 Aussie dollars for the kids, 100 Aussie dollars for you. Everyone’s a winner!

thaegumathteth · 20/12/2019 11:19

I'd give ds1 my share and tell mother in law. If she didn't like it I'd return it all.

ssd · 20/12/2019 11:21

Split it equally, don't tell her but send a lovely thank you note, she's been very generous.

LochJessMonster · 20/12/2019 11:22

and DH went over my head and did it anyway I would be livid.

You are supposed to be a team, not on opposite sides ignoring the others wishes because you think you know better

But her DH can go against her wishes and not send they money?
If its a Christmas gift, its mostly likely from both of them, as a couple so her wishes are just as valid.
Its also a dickish move to treat equally related family members differently, unless there a huge back story.

Pilot12 · 20/12/2019 11:23

I would split it equally between all you, £120.00 each.

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