How would you split this gift (money)?

[RoonyTunes]

MIL has very generously sent money for Christmas, we live overseas. She sent £600 and said that she thinks DS1 (26) doesn't need presents any more so the money should be split £200 to DS2 (21), £200 to DD (16) and £100 each to myself and DH.

DH is uncomfortable with DS1 being excluded and wants him to have a share. I agree and I know that if we ask the two younger ones they will not want their brother left out even though DD doesn't have an income and DS2 is in Uni with a part time job.

So, would you
(A) do what the giver has asked, DS1 won't be expecting anything so we can tell him or not
(B) split the money three ways and basically give DS1 our share
(C) in Aussie dollars it amounts to $1100 so all three "kids" get $300 each and DH and I take $100 each meaning that the younger two get $66 each less than the other options.

DH and I don't desperately need the money but self employment has caused some cash flow issues recently so it would be nice to have a meal out (and we could send MIL a photo saying "thanks for buying us dinner"). DS1 works full time BUT is currently employed as a firefighter in the middle of our awful bushfires so I am inclined to treat him as much as I can.

What a bitch! I can see it would be 'ok' 👀(but not really) if the two younger ones were say 8&11 fir example and the eldest grown with a really amazing job and lifestyle but not singling out the eldest but still offering you and your DH a cut ... does she have a problem with your eldest?

I’d go with C, I feel really sad for your eldest that she could exclude him like that. If it’s because she thinks he’s too old than why has she sent money for you and your DH?

Has she always been like this to him?

I'd split it 3 ways and give the kids all the same.. on an emotional level I couldn't imagine wanting a relationship with someone who treated my children differently no matter what the ages are.

I’d split it 4 ways with you and DH counting as one person I think.

You and DH are free to give your share to DS1, meaning all get the same.

I can see how this doesn't look fair but I suppose she's thinking there comes a point where you scale back when children become adults. Unless the 26 yr old has started buying her generous gifts in return.

Also the youngest might feel put out if MIL decided to stop gifts for all three at the same time, based on the age of the eldest.

Why does she think you and dh should have a share and not ds1? Bizarre!

I agree with medievalist. Excluding DS1 would be easier to justify if it was a gift for under 18s only. I think it would be quite hurtful for DS1 to find out he was excluded even if the gift had been just for a token amount. Option c seems fairest. Oh and much admiration for DS1 on firefighting and I hope the temperature comes down soon.

C
HOW odd

and best wishes to your ds1

Equal but you and dh count as 1, so 4 ways

C. No question

It would be unfair to take some of DD or DS2’s gift and redistribute it to DS1 without asking them and also very awkward if MIL asks ‘what did you spend your £200 on?’ if they’ve only received £150 of their gift. To take it from their share to give to DS1 without their consent is essentially stealing part of their gift.

It’s entirely reasonable for you and DP to decide that you want to give all or part of your gift to DS1 - either gift him £100 and keep £100 for yourselves or gift him your entire £100 but definitely don’t split up and redistribute your other children’s money to give to him. It’s not your money to do that with and it’s not fair for you to be controlling and decide how to allocate a gift that’s being given by somebody else, regardless of your feelings about it.

Split equally why do you and you dh get a share but not ds1?
How odd in fact if it was me I'd just split equally between the 3 children and not bother with me & dh .

it’s not fair for you to be controlling

Listen to yourself @MyNewBearTotoro
This isn’t a mum being controlling, it’s a mum trying to do the right thing and has already said she doesn’t think her younger dc would want ds1 excluded

I’d go with either b or c (but explain to the younger dc what has happened)

Split equally definitely but think about how you will deal with this with Mil and DS1. Presumably DS1 will automatically send her a thank you message for the money? So you either need to:
A) tell her you are planning to give DS1 a fair share
B)tell him that mil was planning to leave him out and not to say thank you
C)just let him send the thank you and see what happens

You and dh nice meal out.
Split the rest

If 26 is too old for gifts, why are your dh and you not too old? She is just being a cowbag.

I'd go for B too. I wouldn't want the other children to lose out.

I do understand her rationale in a way. We stop giving presents to nieces/nephews/friends' children when they reach the age of 18, but I think grandchildren are a bit different.

My mother in law gives all her 3 adult grandchildren the same amount of money (two in the early 20s and one in the 40s). My parents both died before my children got to 18 so not sure what they'd have done.

Sometimes they just don't think about the distinction between child and adult and just think they don't give presents to adults so it will stop completely.

When ds1 reached 21 my mum announced she wasn't giving him birthday money any more. I clarified twice he would be getting nothing then asked her if she'd give him the £10 she usually gave me and then give me nothing.
This actually shocked her and she said she'd not thought about what she gave to adults in the family and just that at 21 the "child" present would stop

I'd either split it between everyone or split the money between the grandchildren only. Why should DS1 have to go without? You don't stop being a grandchild when you start work .

I would split it between the kids.

Why on earth does one grandchild not need a present anymore (because they’re too old?) but you two as his parents are still eligible?!

Another vote for an equal share here too!

C

I can soooo relate . Found out last night that DH had sent is sisters kids an amount each for their Christmas. He's not sent his brothers kids anything as they're are older and we don't see them much ' I find that strange as they are still family . And we don't see them much as they are working.

I'll be sending the brothers kids the same as his sisters kids by special delivery today as I think it's unfair.

If I were you I'd split the money evenly between each of your kids. You don't need it but they do. Tell MIL that's what you did - let the penny drop that she was mean.

@666onmyhead

You are going to go against your husband's wishes for his own family

It doesn't matter what you 'think' - that is what he has chosen to do regarding his family!