Anyone else got a Christmas bastard?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Putting the decorations up today. I got out my Christmas Garland, which I wind with lights and put up along the staircase.

Well, anything that could get tangled, did get tangled, the lights got stuck on the fake fir cones, the garland got caught on itself, it snagged on the bannister, every time I untangled the lights they'd tangle back up around each other and the whole thing took me an hour longer than it should have done.

I have hereby christened that garland 'The Christmas Bastard' and thusly shall it be known in this household.

Please make me feel better by telling me that it's not my cackhanded attempts to erect it and that other people have their own Christmas Bastards!

My favourite thread!! 😂😂 My garland keeps moving so it look wonky... drives me mental!! Every bugger keeps walking my tree and kicking it!! Like they don't see a big ass tree light up!!

Wonky bloody 🎄 top. It's a pre lit in 3 parts that you put together. It was a bargain a few years ago but it's too big for our house and every year we put it up. I look up and see The Wonk that is the top. Then there's the slutty angel who has a bit of a hole in her dress. I can never get her on the tree she kept leaning over everytime I turned my back. Took me long enough to get her up there cos The Wonk is so tall. SO what did I do? Stuck a toilet roll holder inside her dress and plonked her on. Not so smug now is she eh eh? 😉

Here's our beloved xmas decoration. Changing batteries is a bastard and every year we fiddle about to make it easier, put him in his box and yet come xmas changing batteries is a bastard again. And repeat

We have the Amazing Flying Wreath. Every year I fix it to the front door ever more firmly. Every year at the slightest puff of wind it launches itself into the very middle of the lawn grass, landing the right way up. It's laughing at me, isn't it?

@polkadotpixie - TesticOwl?

Kamikaze reindeer - bought for a child, too delicate to be owned by a child. The wood glue is with us for the season - whenever not broken they appear to be shagging as the child attempts to stack them. They were inflicted on us by a grandmother so we’re not allowed to let them leap to their carpety deaths.

This is the funniest bloody thread, thanks all

Yes!!! I have the Christmas tree stand that hates me....and the feeling is very mutual!!!

We declare it a 'christmas miracle' every year that our marriage survives getting the tree screwed into the god awful thing!!!

Mines to do with an advent calender ... fell face first on the back seat of the car. Spread the love with a load of glitter everywhere.. my dh moaned about it I offered to clean it up. Again he moaned . So now the Dyson is somewhere ... where the sun doesn't shine ...

I have :

• a tree that keeps ejecting the star from the top, I have retrieved at least 5 times today after ddog has watched it fall, moved like lightening out of his basket and ran off with it to hide (stash in the upstairs bathroom)

-some ridiculous glittery reindeer monstrosity that my mother bought me last year and has rang to check I have put up then popped in to 'have a look' (tbf if I could have got away with it then it would have stayed firmly in the loft)

• multiple random bits of tat mil brought over that dh refuses to throw away including his childhood stocking (complete with mystery stains and possibly fleas) and HIS 1st Christmas candle (hes 34)

Oh I also have a selection of hideous baubles people keep buying for my beautifully thought out tree. My baubles are all glass and hand painted from Germany, an example of one I have been given is a cartoon dog bauble from my dog walker 😩

Oh and if the dog takes Jesus out of the nativity one more time I've told him he will not be getting into doggy heaven

I got Scary Santa, looks creepy as, and sometimes turns himself off/on! He even terrorises the dogs, who are a pair of big heavyweights. However, had him for years and years since children were babies, so he stays. Kind of makes me think of a Festive Chucky 😱

@ReginaldMolehusband, your snowman looks likes he could be best mates with my Santa. 🤣

I'm my own Christmas bastard as I tripped in a loose bit of wire in my porch and managed to rip in two the cable on the fairy lights that I spent fecking hours attaching all round the porch and over the door with those shitty little cable clips that you have to hammer in but they're so small you hammer your fingers.

It took me so long and I was so proud and now it's all useless

I'd totally underestimated how much of a ballache wrapping lights round the trunk of a tree in the front garden would be. I got sick of repeatedly untangling the bloody things so while half are wound round the tree, I'm not entirely sure what force is holding the others up - despair maybe? And I forgot that passing dogs like to pee on trees and I'm not sure I've allowed enough clearance. Arse.

DH is Catholic and insists on having a nativity scene. However his has many, many tiny bits that are not particularly safe around nearly 2 year old DD. So I had the genius idea of crocheting her a set that she can play with. In the middle of the busiest time of year while looking after the kamikaze toddler and preparing for my mother to descend on my house and disapprove of my standards of housework and general amounts of clutter. I need to make a piece a day to get each bit finished by the appropriate day to add it to the set. I have just finished sewing the legs and tail on the bastarding donkey and made sure that it balances. DD is loving getting up and running through to the tree each morning and finding a new toy underneath but I am so over staying up until gone midnight to finish off each piece. Tomorrow baby Jesus, Saturday the angel, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday will be shepherds and sheep. Then I can relax a bit and make the three kings in time for epiphany. Oh and at some.point we need a sodding cow as dh has kicked off that every nativity needs a cow. There is no pattern for a cow in the one I am doing (nor is there for the angel or kings, but they can be adapted from the others), so I am going to have to make up the pattern for the cow as I go along. He may end up with the cow shoved somewhere uncomfortable.

Bloody tree lights kept switching themselves to flashing mode.Hate it. .Replaced them and now the new ones do it too!

@EpcotForever This is the offending owl from last year, before DH promoted him to top of the tree!

My Christmas tree is a lying bastard. Claimed it was six foot on the box. It so isn't.

Have come back on this morning to discover that I am NOT ALONE IN MY CHRISTMAS BASTARDRY! Am so grateful that it's not just my Christmas Bastard, that others have Christmas cunts and twatbadgers! And this morning my Christmas cards have all flung themselves from the mantelpiece like a display of coordinated cardboard lemmings. It may have been a draught, it may have been the Giant Fluffy Cat of Hell, I am, as yet, undecided.

Bastards.

Oh and if the dog takes Jesus out of the nativity one more time I've told him he will not be getting into doggy heaven

This has to be the funniest Christmas statement of the year.

All I’m going to say is I have 3 young cats .......

Tree is now locked away in another room. I’m still tripping up over baubles. Oh and those decorations that require those shitty little pea size batteries that are a pain to find and a pain to replace why???!!!!!

Oh and fucking icicles lights which last one month of winter

I have Twatty Tinsel. I arranged it to best advantage on the tree and it keeps sadly sliding down and hanging in unlovely loops like the tree has a hernia.
Also have the Twinkling Lights That Won't. Twinkle, that is. I have given up.

Ilovetolurk maybe Viagra for lametta??
Liagra??

Perhaps we could rename it Lame-tta.

I'm.afraid I have the ultimate in wank bastarding decorations.
I'm in charge of putting the decs up at my church hall. I get five rolls of 25m long organza and five lots of those very thin wire twinkly lights to drape in a big space. Looks lovely.
Except - putting it all away takes ages as you have to wind everything up unless you want a gourdian knot the next year. Last January I had flu. Just as I was getting over it I went down with something similar. January was a wash out. Another church member kindly took down the organza drapes and lights and other sundry festive bits and bobs I had put around the place.
They didn't wind it up. When I was, at last, capable of moving about I was presented with a large carrier bag full of tangled mess. I concluded I was still too ill and left it.
Weeks. In the end it took weeks to unravel the mess. I had to sacrifice one organza length as it was fraying like a bastard and was tangled round the lights beyond belief. My dad stepped in to help as one set of lights were so bad they'd broken and he owns a soldering gun which I needed to fix the buggers.
And one set of lights had broken it's switch and remained permanently on for a week until the batteries died and are now permanently off.