Anyone else got a Christmas bastard?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Putting the decorations up today. I got out my Christmas Garland, which I wind with lights and put up along the staircase.

Well, anything that could get tangled, did get tangled, the lights got stuck on the fake fir cones, the garland got caught on itself, it snagged on the bannister, every time I untangled the lights they'd tangle back up around each other and the whole thing took me an hour longer than it should have done.

I have hereby christened that garland 'The Christmas Bastard' and thusly shall it be known in this household.

Please make me feel better by telling me that it's not my cackhanded attempts to erect it and that other people have their own Christmas Bastards!

I've got a sad act tree. It's a 3 foot little one for the porch. It's always on the piss, slumped against the wall. It does it when I'm not looking. The lights change themselves from static to manic flashing. Sometimes I pull up on the drive after work and let out an audible sigh, as I can see it's pathetic peacocking attempts through the obscured glass of the front door.

I've also got cunt stars. Three of them in a row. Except the end one on the right has got ideas above its station and tries to upstage the other two by dramatically launching off the window in their general direction. I have to sort them out in the window, usually when someone is turning around outside my house so I'm lit up like an angry Christmas elf.

@polkadotpixie can we see the owl? Very intrigued..

I have a garland from The Range that leaves SO MUCH sparkle in its wake that it is known as The Glitter Shitter.

It's so pretty though so I can't bear to part with it.

I have a battalion of wooden nutcrackers and not one of the fuckers has all their limbs intact.

Not sure if this counts but I have a satanic Christmas tree this year. Bought some new lights and they're just this really, really bright, ominous crimson. Like Mordor, but with tinsel.

Bastard cat, found prized glass crocodile bauble on the box room floor
Was on the tree

And aunt and her long suffering husband, have to see them at parents on Boxing Day. It's gonna kick off Pru

We have some Cunting Bunting.

Because I bought loads of Christmas fabric to make huge long stretches of festive bunting, but it turned out to be far more time consuming than expected and I only did about 2 metres before getting really bored and giving up. We still put it up every year but it reminds me of my failure and pisses me off

We have the sparkly dyspraxic peacock. Doesn't matter where he sits, he ends up being upside down. And thus glitter ends up everywhere.

Like Mordor, but with tinsel.

Satan...Santa... similar 👹

We have a huge pile of baubles under the irritatingly bare tree. Because toddler DS keeps taking the bloody things down as that is his new favourite game. So we get to redecorate the dame tree every. Single. Day. Argh!!

We have a bastard fake Robin that I like because it reminds me of another (older, nicer) fake Robin of my youth but which swivels upside-down on the tree however firmly I clip him into place. I'm a bit obsessed with it.

We have a dead reindeer..
None of ddogs has owned up but I have my suspicions...

I feel sad and left out, because all my decorations behave themselves. Where have I gone wrong?

STDG you may borrow this - guaranteed to cause mahem among your baubles...

We’ve got a bastard bauble wreath on the front door. It blows in the wind banging on the door setting the dogs off into a mega bark thinking there’s someone there. It’s currently in the hall. It’s spent more time there than on the front door itself

Awwwww - what a lovely dog! My pair have never shown much interest in the decorations - they clearly need educating!

Tbh the reindeer was hanging off a cupboard door at ddoggy eye level. Clearly she caved to temptation as she never ever chews things.
Except the summer she ate a flip flop..

Oh and the lino...

Dazzled by too-strong led bulbs visible inside a Christmas church
(miniature). Realised eventually it's supposed to be above eye level. With my love of miniature buildings, will soon have enough for a village. No room for one, though.

Ddog puzzled by the sudden cleaning and de-cluttering (visitor coming for Christmas; don't really have room for him, either). (The visitor, not Ddog.)

My cat is the Christmas bastard here. He's a big cat (13lbs at last vet checkup) that is convinced that he's still tiny. He climbs the tree every year, so I now put a couple of cup hooks in the wall behind the tree and tie it to them with some twine. He's managed to pull both of them out of the wall already this year, dragging the tree over.

@MrsMoastyToasty putting up the artificial tree, I vacuumed 3 times then a 4th time when it was finally in position due to the insane amount of fake ‘needle’ drop.

We just had the kitchen re-plastered after living with ‘country’ plaster for years. There were hooks in the ceiling from which we used to hang huge wooden golden stars wrapped in tinsel. The hooks were removed: where do we now put the stars?! (No mantelpiece and windowsills need varnishing before use)

The only place to put the tree is in the corner of the living room against a huge mirror. The back bit can’t really have baubles on it because they’d be squished against the mirror. Looks great from the side, dreadful in the reflection! 😂

The bastardy bloody elf. Tonight he should be sledging down the stairs, but he keeps actually sliding down. He's now doing it to spite me (and I'm too stubborn to let him win and choose something different from the list) Bastard.

My adorable ds (7months) wont let me go to sleep and keeps laughing whenever I try and sing to him. He is a barstard as we didnt get married untill a few months after he was born.
Cute little horrible, chubby, lovely little Christmas barstard.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I feel sad and left out, because all my decorations behave themselves. Where have I gone wrong?

Stealth boast

I have lacklustre lametta that hangs droopily and ineffectively. Each year half of it mysteriously disappears in the decoration box between January and December. Soon There Will Be Only One.

@Khione - I should be honest, and admit that I haven’t put up any decorations yet this year - so I have probably jinxed myself, and all the decorations will develop bastardly tendencies when released from Durance Vile in the loft.

I’m going to make dh and the dses do the decorating!