Please give me some moral support

[marymungomidge]

Hi all, I'm really struggling - I've just found out I have choroidal melanoma (nasty eye cancer that has a 50:50 chance of survival) and today I told my daughter. She is 24 but still lives with me because she is very unwell and I look after her. She is bright and beautiful and lovely and funny and so, so vulnerable. I am terrified about what may happen to her if I die. She is, understandably, reeling from the news, which I had tried to keep from her till I know more. She found me crying this morning, though, and something had to be said. I'm 53 and completely stunned by all this - life goes from, one minute, planning ahead and expecting another 20-30 years, to suddenly finding that it may come to a stop soon. I can't bear the thought of leaving my daughter. Please help.

Just to say thinking of you. It's great you have an appointment soon. ❤️

cakeandchampagne, I bloody well will! :) Jingle all the way :) xxx

So pleased to hear your appointment is soon Op

Thinking of you both

So pleased you have your appointment on Tuesday, hoping they can give you a positive outlook Mary. Will be thinking about you .

Oh all good wishes for the appointment.

Great to have a quick appointment. Wishing you peace and relaxation and some nice things to do to take your mind off everything until then. X

Rooting for you, OP. Sounds like your life got turned upside down but you've come out swinging.

Wow, thanks everyone! Just been to see 'Little Women' (absolutely excellent, I thought), and got back to find all your fantastic messages. Please know that you are making one heck of a difference to me :) Movinggoalposts, thank you! I will look up the article, and will build in some Epsom salt baths - very good idea. I'm sorry you had to deal with cancer too - I hope you're completely better now xxx. And thanks to everyone - you are right, it's better to have an appointment sooner rather than later. And I'm off work all next week, so no pressure from that quarter. I'll try to keep as calm as poss for the next few days, and your thoughts and lovely good wishes are helping me enormously in that. Part of my mind is casting about, thinking - should I go back to Quakers? Should I do this, or that? But actually, I think the resources that currently get me through (including some difficult times over the years) are the right ones - friends (including all of you who are helping me on here) my daughter, a lingering and now very vague sense of 'buddhistness', and being among trees or up on the moors. I think I'm beginning to trust that those resources work, but I guess I'm so worried about not being able to help my daughter as much as possible. We had a lovely hour snuggled up on the sofa after getting back from the cinema, and she was able to talk a bit about her worries, which was good. Thanks again, everyone, for continuing to help me. Your messages help me to feel much, much less alone with this, especially during the night, when I wake up and feel a bit overwhelmed. xxx

Sending comfort to you at this difficult time. Best wishes

Hello and sorry you have found yourself in this limbo. Im a cancer patient and i just wanted to give you a hug.
Firstly dont google. The stats are in a bell curve including people who have died from something related to, but not the cancer..Dont focus on survival rates. There are so many influencing factors such as pre treatment, age, health etc.
You need to see an oncologist. They will put you in charge of what sort of info you need. I have specifically always said i dont want to know my expiry date and they have never told me. Again, its to lift focus off the google stats.
The oncologist will be lovely. They will give you a plan. There is always a plan..usually lines of attack are a combo of options..they will have seen this before.
Once you have a plan, focus on the plan.
Radiotherapy is fine, if thats in the plan.
Its really rocky and a rollercoaster to start with but they are experts in cancer. They know their stuff.
Dont google the plan!
Find a support group.
In the meantime sleep, distract yourself, eat.
Keep on going. Best wishes xx

Many thanks, Guesswho and Clogs! I very much appreciate your kind words. Clogs, I'm sorry to hear you're poorly too. I hope you're doing well and have lots of support, and I can understand why you don't Google things! It can feel quite bleak, can't it?
I'm starting to feel very nervous as Tuesday's oncology appointment approaches, but trying to stay positive. DD has said she just wants to be with me at present, so I've told my awful mother I'm not up to playing host at present, and so she's going to stay in a hotel rather than come back here for a return stay over the next few days. Phew! DD and I went for a drive up on the moors at sunset, and got lost in a cloud :) Very beautiful up there, and in the forest - completely deserted this evening, with just our headlights lighting up miles of huge trees - so peaceful. DD is clearly stressed but is trying hard not to show it - it breaks my heart to see how brave and lost she is. I want to snuggle her up and say it will all be ok ... but it might well not be, and I have to focus on trying to make things as manageable as possible for her to cope without me. Must get my practical head on.

I love that you have strong boundaries with awful mum. I don’t know much about Quakers, but they sound peaceful - like Buddhists. I picture stillness and inner calm. I have dabbled into Buddhism too. I think my brain is too busy to commit, but I like the lightness of it. (Especially compared to the 80’s Catholicism of my childhood). I definitely recommend staying away from the interwebs and getting lost in clouds instead! Soul feeding with DD much more important!!!

Hi mary
I hope your appt goes well tomorrow x
I'm waiting for an appt on saturday at my local hospital after findings on an oct scan on lasf week...
I'm pretty scared tbh.
The optician said I had swelling. Said it was a non urgent referral.
I've just had a copy emailed to me and it states "lesions" and marked as urgent :(
Why did he lie??
I have 2 young children..:(
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow x

Hi Stinkyeddie :) Many thanks for the good wishes. I'm sorry to hear you've had a worrying referral. It sounds like you're being seen very quickly, which is good. I don't know why the optician said it wasn't urgent, but marked the report as urgent - that does seem strange. I wonder how well equipped some opticians are to deal with referrals like this. I'm sending hugs to you, and I know how you will be feeling - pretty scared, I'm sure. Try to be positive - nobody has mentioned cancer - a quick internet search about ocular lesions suggests "Lesions affecting the surface of the eye, and in particular the cornea are very frequent and are usually associated with the following development of inflammation (with edema, redness, etc). Corneal injuries include abrasions, which are limited to the surface of the eye and caused by microtraumas, even banal ones." I think that sounds different from what my report and optician said. My optician referred to choroidal melanoma, and the report described a suspicious, newly developed nevus, together with associated lipofuscin. I phoned my optician to clarify some aspects of my report and get more info - you could do the same? It sounds like an abrasion, from what you've said, but I'm sure your optician could put your mind at rest. It's horrid, though, isn't it? You're probably imagining all sorts of awful outcomes - please give the optician a ring and I'm sure she'll be able to tell you more.
Thanks for your good wishes for tomorrow! Much appreciated. I've had a very relaxing day today, snoozing and reading and eating good food, and am now going to go and iron a swish outfit, dye my grey roots, and find my brightest lipstick in preparation for telling cancer just what it can do tomorrow! xxx

Thank you for your kind words mary
Yes I've been googling frantically which is stupid...
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow xxxxx

You sound like such a lovely person and a wonderful mother. I wish you the very best of luck with your appointment. Take care of yourself and keep doing all the things that make you happy.

I have recently had a course of reflexology for a different health condition, but maybe alternative therapies could be something to consider alongside any medical treatment as a way to help with relaxation? Just a thought xx

Good luck tomorrow mary, best wishes to you. You write really beautifully, I could imagine being in the snowy forest with you (being very quiet so as not to disturb your peace of course!)

Mary, I have been following your posts and the wonderful, supportive responses. We will all be thinking of you tomorrow. Hugs from the US.

Best wishes for tomorrow Mary and I agree, you write beautifully. I wish you strength of spirit - but I think you already have this.

Wishing you all the very best best for tomorrow @marymungomidge
Let me know if you have any questions re the hospital as I live in Sheffield, and I've visited all of them! (Including the eye screening department) We are very lucky to have such specialist hospitals here. I'm not sure which hospital the ocular unit is in but whichever one it is parking is a pita!

Put on that brightest lipstick and we all have every bit of ourselves crossed for you for tomorrow.you and yours daughter sound lovely - wish you both the very, very best of luck.

Yes all the best to you MMM for tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you and your dd and sending you strong positive vibes 💪🙏
Will check in later in case you are awake in the night x

Oh, wow! Just checking in and found these amazing messages! Thank you so much, all of you. You have no idea how much it helps to know that I can come on here and find understanding and compassion and support. PurpleBee, thank you - good idea! I've tried reflexology in the past and it's lovely, isn't it? I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it - I will book a session later this week :) Years ago, I lived in Japan for a couple of years, and studied a bit about shiatsu - that was very helpful too, I recall. And I'm doing yoga again, just a bit, and that helps. MrsIron and suggestionsplease - that's very kind of you, to say I write well! Thank you :) I'm in a job where we're required to write in 'officialese', so it's good to know that I can write from the heart a bit, nonetheless :) Momtoboys - the responses from everyone have been amazing, haven't they? I'm really very genuinely moved and helped by them. I'm extremely grateful to everyone and to whoever runs Mumsnet. Ginandgingerbeer - thank you! It's Sheffield Hallamshire hospital. My dear friend Brigit is driving me (and DD) there and back - means a very early start in the morning. So I've got all my stuff ready, including cheerful reading matter. Thelikelylass - my bright red lipstick is waiting on my dressing table :) Thank you, and everyone, for your wonderful, supportive messages. I'll post on here when I get back from Sheffield. xxxxx

I've just stumbled across this thread and wanted to wish you all the best as well. May the news be the very best it can be xx

Thinking of you and your DD tomorrow OP