My in laws are driving me crazy with house hunting

[ODFOkaren]

Let me say that they are nice people.
We do get on very well (although I’m starting to suspect that I get on with FIL better as we are currently 200 miles away).

I am great full to have them, they are wonderful grandparents and took my DD from a previous marriage as their own GC immediately. Great people.

But. But. We are moving closer to them as we can’t afford to live in the SE any more. I’m killing myself working stupid shifts, we have to claim top up housing benefit even though we both work full time. It’s miserable and we need to get out.

PIL are going to stump up the deposit on a rental as we Obviously won’t have our deposit on this place back until after we move and cost of moving, will help out with any overlap of rent on the two places. We will pay them back as soon as we get the deposit - house prices here are crazy so our deposit on this place is enormous. We can’t borrow from anyone else or get a loan.

FIL thinks this gives him the choice over which house we rent. He’s repeatedly said no to ones we like. Has said that we are not to live more than half a mile from them (houses 2 miles the other way are cheaper and bigger).

It’s driving me nuts.

Dh argues with him constantly and I am trying my best to keep out of it although I am sick to death of seeing nice houses in our price range and having the idea snatched away.

We are so greatful but this is really stressful, even more so as we have 3 DC to move across the country, schools and things.

Typing this out it’s all so stupid and boring and am re thinking posting.

@CopperPottery I’ve raised children for almost 18 years now with zero support apart from Dh, not about to start relying on people for childcare now!

@Hithere2 I know it does.

But this is what we’ve decided on now. I really do like Dh siblings, it will be nice to have all the cousins near etc and I’ve never lived close to any family, so it’s not really for the support or help. We just thought it would be the logical next move.

I’m going to have to sit with Dh and work out exactly what is and what is not appropriate when we do move.

I’ve never liked anyone but the older dc having keys to the house, I won’t be talked into ‘for emergencies’ - that what a locksmith is for.

So you have options you are not willing to consider. This is NOT your only possible next step.

You like your siblings in law. However, mil and father in law are already making your life very difficult and you haven't even moved yet!
This will get 100000000 worse once you moved and "you are now stuck and don't want to move again. It is not an option (may I add options that you are willing to consider)"

Stop looking at life as you wish it would be but for how it is.

If you move there, you will be back here in a few months with complaints how hard life is and what you can do....

I would also caution you if your idea of living nearby family is realistic.

Do your expectations of visiting cousins, meeting for dinner, etc, match what your siblings in law can accommodate?

My parents move to their home town after living in another part of the country for decades.
They were warned the city had changed a lot and it wasn't what it was when they left.
My parents expected dinners and lunches with relatives every weekend, inviting people over or being invited - they were warned that families saw each other every 3 months as they are in school, work, etc and relatives were not retired as my parents.

They also expected their friendships and other relationships in town A to remain the same when they moved to town B

A year after moving to town B, my parents were very disappointed. They said family was welcoming and happy when they moved but did not see each other much after the novelty wore off, the friendships in town A fizzled and were now very superficial and how they regretted moving.

Beware of your pink coloured glasses. They can become grey in a few months.

@hithere
The OP is not moving because of a desire to be near family though, they're moving because of finances making it impossible to do otherwise. This isn't a social choice

Oh we don’t expect to live in their pockets, it would just be nice not to have everyone spend out on travel and hotels every time we want to see each other.

I know there is a whole country to move to. But this is hard enough already. We’ve had it dropped on us that the LL is raising the rent when we come to renew contact soon, I’m killing myself with shifts. We need to move pretty fast And we can’t take time off to see properties without help from Dh family viewing for us (it’s a requirement of most agencies that a house is viewed By a proxy before you rent it and I’m working shifts all over Xmas). the best option for that seems to be where Dh is from. It’s an easy (ish) commute back to London for the two days a week he has to be in the office while he looks for a job up there (one night he’s paying his friend for the use of the spare room).

I am under no illusions of it being lovely happy families with all the cousins etc.

I know friend ships end when we move. Enough friends have moved from London over the past few years and you do naturally lose touch as time passes, but I’m good at picking up friends and getting to know people, so I’ll be fine in that respect.

There are negatives but there are positives too. And luckily Dh and I are on the same page regarding his dad.

👍