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Original poster

My in laws are driving me crazy with house hunting

83 replies

ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 12:55

Let me say that they are nice people.
We do get on very well (although I’m starting to suspect that I get on with FIL better as we are currently 200 miles away).

I am great full to have them, they are wonderful grandparents and took my DD from a previous marriage as their own GC immediately. Great people.

But. But. We are moving closer to them as we can’t afford to live in the SE any more. I’m killing myself working stupid shifts, we have to claim top up housing benefit even though we both work full time. It’s miserable and we need to get out.

PIL are going to stump up the deposit on a rental as we Obviously won’t have our deposit on this place back until after we move and cost of moving, will help out with any overlap of rent on the two places. We will pay them back as soon as we get the deposit - house prices here are crazy so our deposit on this place is enormous. We can’t borrow from anyone else or get a loan.

FIL thinks this gives him the choice over which house we rent. He’s repeatedly said no to ones we like. Has said that we are not to live more than half a mile from them (houses 2 miles the other way are cheaper and bigger).

It’s driving me nuts.

Dh argues with him constantly and I am trying my best to keep out of it although I am sick to death of seeing nice houses in our price range and having the idea snatched away.

We are so greatful but this is really stressful, even more so as we have 3 DC to move across the country, schools and things.

Typing this out it’s all so stupid and boring and am re thinking posting.

OP posts:
Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 08:23

Plus I trust BIL, we have the same taste. He took videos etc. It looks really nice. Mil said it had a nice feel to it. So that’s really going to have to be good enough, moving so far away is tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 08:26

Also, there is no guarantee we will get this one, I’ve lost places in the Past on the whim of the landlord so we are still looking. At least with BIL kindly helping, FIL will have to but out.

I was chatting to a friend last night, I’m actually dreading being near him full time.

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 19/12/2019 08:44

Make sure he hasn’t got a key and the door is locked as he’ll be round Interfering.

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 08:53

I had a frank chat with BIL wife last night too. He lets himself into all their houses (Dh siblings) to do ‘jobs’ and she says its really hard to be offended when you come home from work and the dripping tap has been fixed or the grass has been cut. But that they had to have stern words with him and set boundary’s when she was on mat leave and he kept waltzing in while she was sat half naked and feeding. She said DH sisters and their partners don’t mind it so much, but I guess it’s so much more awkward as the wife in the situation.

The reason I’ve always thought he Was great is that when they come to visit, he’s always got his tools with him. We live in a dilapidated hole at the moment so he’s sorted out lots for me that the agent and LL were dragging their heels over. That’s only a few times a year though.

This is up to DH though. It’s his problem to deal with that. His parents.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/12/2019 09:09

So you'll be making sure that he doesn't have a key to yours then?

ohfourfoxache · 19/12/2019 09:14

Your bil and sil sound wonderful, I’m so glad fil has been made to butt out

Be careful when you do move, you’re going to have to have firm boundaries in place

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 09:19

I’m going to tell Dh to tell him they can’t have one.

It’s not my fight in the first instance it’s something he needs to sort out with his parents.

OP posts:
m00rfarm · 19/12/2019 09:31

Just maybe you need to listen about the area information if your DH has not lived there for 18 years. Places change a lot. Why move to an area that may be totally unsuitable? You need to visit and see for yourself, join a facebook group, check out schools - how can you decide where to live if you do not know the place at all?

Dowser · 19/12/2019 09:39

Go for the two mile away house..it’s still near enough
My kids live a mile and a half in each direction..a total of 6 mins in the car
What’s their problem

Dowser · 19/12/2019 09:39

At the 1/2 mile house..was he going to pop in every day after his morning jog ? 😂

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/12/2019 09:40

Could you mollify FIL by telling him that, if the house doesn't suit, you could always move again in a year or so (even if you have no intention of doing so)?

And yes, get bolts for the doors, leave through the back door and don't give anyone a back door key. He may be able to 'guilt' a spare out of your DH or your MIL (if you give her one).

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 09:54

We don’t really have a choice - I don’t know the area at all but we can’t afford to stay here any longer and it makes sense to live near Dh family we have no ties anywhere else and need to move quite a distance to find an affordable area anyway.

The areas are all fine - Dh siblings don’t know what FIl is on about. It’s just FIl wanting us to live in spitting distance which I really don’t understand!

OP posts:
TheHauntedFishtank · 19/12/2019 10:00

I’ve moved to a rental without actually seeing it and it was absolutely fine, in fact in terms of the area it was perfect at that time. Similarly to you we knew it was temporary in any case. Good luck with the move.

FraglesRock · 19/12/2019 10:01

So he can pop in easily!

diddl · 19/12/2019 10:04

"It’s just FIl wanting us to live in spitting distance which I really don’t understand!"

So he can have the same control over you as he does over the others?

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 10:15

@diddl yes.

This is most likely going to be a massive mistake.

But it’s that or continuing as we are now which is not an option. We’ve spent the past three years trying to work out a way to stay here. I’ve retrained, Dh has got promotions but we’ve been priced out and even though we only receive a small amount of housing benefit I’m sick of being treated like scum for it.

I have lived here my whole life so I’m really sad about leaving but it has to be done and makes sense to move where family are and where we can actually buy a house in the near future.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 19/12/2019 10:19

I think a conversation with DH needs to be had where you spell out in very small words that if FIL gets his hands on ANY keys to your place - borrowed or not - you will jam his bits in the car door. This man is going to be a total nightmare otherwise.

diddl · 19/12/2019 10:25

Well it doesn't have to be a mistake.

You need boundaries & to stick to them.

You say that they are good GPs & that's worth a lot I would think.

WeeDangerousSpike · 19/12/2019 11:41

I just saw your response to my 'lots of places are cheaper' thing, and realise it didn't come across quite as I meant. I get you want to be close to family, makes perfect sense, I was more suggesting you could casually mention that as there's nowhere suitable (according to him) close by you'll have to look further afield. Maybe point out how cheap Hull is if he's looking in the South West, for instance Crown Grin

But I'm glad his control has been removed and you're sorted. Let him fizz away, he's got no one to blame but himself!

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 12:14

Maybe I’ll suggest we move to Spain Grin

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 19/12/2019 12:35

I think you're right suck up this house move. Save hard and the next will be the house you choose in the location that you choose (not next door to pil!)

CopperPottery · 19/12/2019 13:38

When you move you know that you must never ever ever rely on your PILs for childcare, yes?

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 19/12/2019 13:44

BIL sounds a good sort. FIL though, what a nightmare! He doesn’t sound a pleasant man at all.

katy1213 · 19/12/2019 13:49

I see that you are in a quandary - but you need far more than two miles distance between you and in-laws. Could you look elsewhere in the region? If he doesn't know the area, he can't be as mouthy. Does your MIL have any funds of her own that she could discreetly lend if you pay it back quickly?

Hithere2 · 19/12/2019 13:55

How about moving to a different part of the country where you can live without anybody's help?

This move has disaster written all over.
Fil will try to take over your lives and when you resist and enforce boundaries, he will escalate and the relationship will deteriorate.

This is not a good idea. At all.

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