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Original poster

My in laws are driving me crazy with house hunting

83 replies

ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 12:55

Let me say that they are nice people.
We do get on very well (although I’m starting to suspect that I get on with FIL better as we are currently 200 miles away).

I am great full to have them, they are wonderful grandparents and took my DD from a previous marriage as their own GC immediately. Great people.

But. But. We are moving closer to them as we can’t afford to live in the SE any more. I’m killing myself working stupid shifts, we have to claim top up housing benefit even though we both work full time. It’s miserable and we need to get out.

PIL are going to stump up the deposit on a rental as we Obviously won’t have our deposit on this place back until after we move and cost of moving, will help out with any overlap of rent on the two places. We will pay them back as soon as we get the deposit - house prices here are crazy so our deposit on this place is enormous. We can’t borrow from anyone else or get a loan.

FIL thinks this gives him the choice over which house we rent. He’s repeatedly said no to ones we like. Has said that we are not to live more than half a mile from them (houses 2 miles the other way are cheaper and bigger).

It’s driving me nuts.

Dh argues with him constantly and I am trying my best to keep out of it although I am sick to death of seeing nice houses in our price range and having the idea snatched away.

We are so greatful but this is really stressful, even more so as we have 3 DC to move across the country, schools and things.

Typing this out it’s all so stupid and boring and am re thinking posting.

OP posts:
Neednameinspiration · 18/12/2019 15:20

Is there a local Credit Union you could try for a short term loan, rather than a standard bank?

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 15:24

He is just going to transfer us the money to pay for the deposit, he won’t be a guarantor. Removals he will lay for, any over lap in rent again he will transfer us the money.

When we get the deposit back we’ll just transfer whatever he’s given us/spent back to him.

I’ll look into credit union.

Dh siblings aren’t in a position to help, one is getting married this year, other is having a baby and one is relocating to USA for work so they are all tightening their belts.

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 18/12/2019 15:25

Ask your landlord for your deposit back early. It’s very hard to get rent from tenants if they don’t pay and you could even tell your landlord that you just cannot pay your last couple of months rent without your deposit back. Or just don’t pay those last months rent and don’t get the deposit back.
Do NOT let fil dictate where you live!

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 15:28

I’ll have to chat to the agent and see where the land lies with the deposit.

We really need a good reference so I don’t want to argue with the agent or the LL but that’s a good idea.

OP posts:
BaileysMadeMeDoIt · 18/12/2019 15:47

He's not a nice man, he's a controlling one. Anyone can be nice when they are getting their own way, the test of character is how a person reacts to being told no.

Do not rent near this man, it will only end in tears if you do. 10 miles away is plenty near enough, I'm sure you can find something suitable at that distance. Who the hell does he think he is?!

FraglesRock · 18/12/2019 15:48

What would fil say to
Well we don't like any of those houses and we're very worried about your level of involvement in our house search. We're adults and will choose the house we live in, in the area we love. If you're happy to help without any strings we'd be grateful if you could transfer £x direct to us and we'll repay you by xdate.

FraglesRock · 18/12/2019 15:49

But you need to live far enough away so they don't just pop in.
And no key.

ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 15:55

I think the point about your DH not knowing the area if he hasn't lived there for 18 years is fair tbh - the rest isn't though!

Is there anyone you can stay with for a couple of weeks until your deposit comes through if you can't borrow it from anywhere?

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 16:00

@christmascroisant no we couldn’t stay with anyone it would take a while to find a place, go through reference and credit checks - we need to do that all before we leave here which will mean paying the deposit before we leave.

OP posts:
BelfastNonBlonde · 18/12/2019 16:06

My work does a rental deposit loan - paid back out of salary. I know not all workplaces offer things like that - but any sort of traction in that department for either of you?

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 16:15

I work in a care home as Dh works for a local authority. Mine wouldn’t and Dh work are squeezed to the bone so any scheme like that would be long gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 16:15

I just hate having no choice.
At the end of the day it’s going to be me staying at the four walls in a place that I don’t actually want to move to.
I just feel like I’ve got no control over anything.

OP posts:
mummykauli7 · 18/12/2019 16:34

Unfortunately as you need his help with money it automatically gives him a right to have a say. As you are on some benefits are you eligible for the rent scheme? It's where they help with deposit and first months rent so that you don't become reliant on the council or homeless.

diddl · 18/12/2019 16:40

" it automatically gives him a right to have a say."

Maybe to a point-but he can't demand that they live in a certain area for example.

Where's MIL in all of this?

Hasn't she got access to any money?

Tbh it he's vetoing places that you like then it's not workable, is it?

Her0utdoors · 18/12/2019 16:43

I was going to suggest that if MIL thinks he's being rediculous then she could lend you the money instead if she has access to cash. Then I read what you said about FIL, and I wouldn't want you to put her in such a risky position.
How much can you afford in rent, how many bedrooms? Let's find you a house!

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 16:56

We are on partial housing benefit here but we won’t be on any benefits when we move up there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 17:02

Mil controls the purse stings usually, but he’s so stubborn.

I’ve found two more houses that I like and will be good for the children.

Dh called him from work today and asked him to view them for us this evening. He was very clear that we are going to rent one of the two. They are in a perfect position for good schools and colleges.

He’s seeing one this eve and one in the morning. He will find a problem with it I’m sure but MIL is on side. My BIL is also going to view it with them he’s as exasperated as us so will hopefully talk FIL out of any perceived problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
ODFOkaren · 18/12/2019 17:03

In fact, one of them is two streets away from BIL so he can’t moan about the location.

OP posts:
KnittingSister · 18/12/2019 17:04

If you can't afford it without his help, you don't WANT to afford it with his help. Rent something smaller (a cupboard if necessary!) For 12 months if you can, then find the place you want. DO NOT be beholden to this man (Or anyone else)
Good luck Flowers

Shesalittlemadam · 18/12/2019 17:49

OP speak to housing benefit about Discretionary Housing Payments. They'll give you 3 months (from your rent increase) to allow you time to save up for a new place.

Also, you may be entitled to a Budgeting Loan (interest free and paid back via your benefits) to help with removal costs

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 07:54

So FIL hated it. Looked at one room and walked out. Said it was cold (no shit Sherlock, it’s empty and it’s December), the garage wasn’t long enough (!),it’s a 15 min drive to their house and there is no “old people’s home” nearby for me to work in.

He’s obsessed with my work but has no actual idea of what people I work with. I don’t even work with elderly people I work with people with a specific medical problem as he’s been told many, many times. Plus I’m used to driving 45 mins to work at the moment, I don’t know what his obsession with having to be walking distance to everywhere is.

Mil and BIL really liked it. Agreed that it’s a great house in a perfect location for us.

BIL spoke to his wife and they are going to lend us the money as we’ll be able to pay them back long before they move abroad in the summer.

FIl is currently fizzing.

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 19/12/2019 07:58

Great news

Neolara · 19/12/2019 08:02

Good news. Fil is clearly a bit bonkers.

diddl · 19/12/2019 08:06

Will you & your husband be seeing it before you go ahead?

What about ones that you liked & lost due to FIL saying no?

Original poster
ODFOkaren · 19/12/2019 08:20

No we won’t be able to. I work crazy shifts, working all over Xmas and new year.

To be honest, we’ve rented 3 houses and we’ve never ever had a choice in house - it was Move to the only one out of hundreds who would accept partial housing benefit or be homeless, so it’s been nice to have a choice just from photos. Plus this is the nicest I’ve seen, it’s all been refurbished.

It’s not forever, we can apply for a mortgage in a year or so as our outgoings will be slashed to a quarter (Currently in an expensive part of London) so we can save a hefty deposit.

I know that sounds bonkers to move somewhere without seeing it but neither of us really want to move so we’ve just got to bite the bullet and do it and get it over with.

OP posts:
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